So Much

My heart is so heavy today. I have so much confusions and fear in me right now, I can hardly stand. There are times when I actually see myself getting through this and actually living and having a great life and there are other times when I just can crumble under all of this weight. How can I go on? I trusted my husband and now he has breached that trust and I feel as if I could never trust a single person again. I just looked back at one of my old e-mails from him and I just want to shout at him "LAIR! YOU LIED TO ME!" You told me forever and now look where we are! This sure doesn't feel like forever. Are you telling her forever too? I am sure you are already telling her that you love her and that she is so great and wonderful and the girl of your dreams. LIAR! You told me those same things! You told me that I was yours and you were mine! You told me! I trusted you! I trusted you Ben Hardy! I trusted you with my entire life! I gave you the best I ever had! I loved being able to support you and see you succeed and pursue your dream! You know, I put things wanted on the back burner for you! Yes, I had dreams too, but I had to remain the main breadwinner of our family so that you could pursue your hopes and dreams! I was just there to ensure that all of our bills were made. I wanted to be a personal trainer, you remember? I cried and cried to you because I couldn't pursue that do to our financial situation. It was my idea to move to South Carolina, remember that? It was my idea to go through Financial Peace again so that we could get recharged, remember that? It was me who wrote ALL of your resumes, remember that? It was me! BETHANY! It is was me who supported you and encouraged you and cried with you and lost friends with you! IT WAS ME!!!! It was me who saw the potential you had in high school. It was me... Bethany. No one else wanted to be your friend more that me. Now look what you have done with me. Thrown me away like some used up Kleenex. Old, worn out, useless to you. You will never know the pain and agony you have made me endure over the past 3-1/2 months. You will never understand the deepest, emptiest feeling that I have right now. I am so empty and it's because of you. You tore me half, broke me, discarded me and all of the love and support and admiration I had for you. You are reckless, selfish, juvenile. You value those with little character, morals and standards. You value a life that only leads to death. You value your own self-centered, career mind self. I am a broken, shattered woman who only wanted life's best for you and I wanted to be there every step of the way with, behind the scenes and being your greatest cheerleader in a world that feeds off of doubt and disbelief. I would have been your loudest cheerleader and you know it. So sue, divorce me just because I don't like to drink alcohol and stay up to the crack of dawn. I hardly think that is a character flaw in me, but you have made me think and feel that it was a huge issue and I that I was wrong. But I have realized, that that isn't a character flaw. I was thinking last night if we really did have any sort of relationship between us. What makes a relationship a relationship? What makes a marriage a marriage? Love, understanding, communication, interests, goals, morales, values, compatibility, focus, drive, care, fun, happiness, sadness, anger, peace. As far as I can tell, we had one hell of a relationship! Sure, there are always things that we can improve on, but in the grand scheme of things it was a great marriage and now you have thrown it all away! And for what? What has your life gained since you decided to abandon me? I guessing not much but late nights, hangovers and no money.

I'm tired and I can't think about this anymore today...