Does He Realize?

You know, there have been several people who have talked to my husband in the recent months and they all have told me that he had nothing bad to say about me. Nothing. They tell me that he says I was a good wife, he is not mad at me and that he likes me as a person. I am sorry, but what does that mean? What? I was going over and over this in my head and what I think that there is a lot to be said about his comments.

I really don't think he understands what exactly he is doing and I don't think he realizes that we are still married. He doesn't realize the magnitude of his actions and the impact it is having on me as his wife and as a woman. His actions are forever embedded in me. I sort of get this feeling that if he continues to "like" me as a person and says nice things about me it justifies his actions in some weird way. "She was a good wife, but now I found my true soul mate."

The second thing these comments lead me to think is that he doesn't really know why he is doing this. There is not one solid piece of evidence for him to turn and point to and say "That. Right there. That is why I left you. You did X, Y and Z and that is why I just couldn't bare to continue my life with you." Do you know how frustrating that is? He can not point out one thing that I did that really lead to all of this. I would so much rather him be furious with me about something, because then I would know exactly what I did. But there is nothing. I did nothing wrong. I am not saying I am perfect, but if he continues to tell people that I was a good wife and that I am a nice person does he think that makes up for his actions? I hardly think so. This aspect really messes with me. If I am a good wife and a good person, then why wouldn't you want to be with me?

Another thing I am personally interpreting from these comments is that he feels so incredibly guilty that he has done this that if we could possibly remain friends then everything will all even it's self out. He doesn't want to burn any bridges between him and I just in case. News flash! The bridges between he and I are already charred remains of what once was. There is a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done before he could even come back. He is the one who has to start the repairs though.

Today it has been 7 weeks since I last saw or spoke to him. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger. It gets easier to get out of bed. I always wake up and pray "God, I need you today. Please get me through another day." And he does. I now have my very own apartment and I am slowly getting used to it. I don't really like being there alone to much, but I am settling in and it's a nice feeling. I can afford it and all of my bills on my own paycheck and that makes me feel strong in itself. I can stand on my own two feet as an adult and even though I love being married and having my husband around, I am slowly realizing that I don't need him to survive. I can do it, by God's grace, I can do it.