My Words

I have been told that several people have read my blog. I have it posted on my Facebook page, but I honestly thought that no one would want to read my ramblings. I just blog to get out my emotions. It has been very good therapy and I have really been able to sort out some of my thoughts and feelings.

But since I have found out that people actually are reading my ramblings, I have started to second guess myself and if I should continue to post my inner most thoughts and feelings. I don't feel like I have been malicious or mean when talking about my husband and the events of the past weeks and months. I still love my husband very, very much. My heart breaks when I hear of his actions because I just feel like this is not him. This is not the husband I have known since the third grade. This is not the person I began dating as a sophomore. This is not the person I married. Why is he doing this?

Anyway, I came across this verse from Psalm 119:130
"When your words are made clear, they bring light.
They bring understanding to childish people."

I am not trying to put my husband on the butcher block every time I write something. You have to understand that my entire life was turned upside down and scattered to the wind on April 30. I was and still am completely devastated. I am continually searching for answers, but those answers have yet to be found. By writing and working through some of my deepest, darkest times I hope to gain some sort of clarity that I can possibly share with others either through my words or my ramblings. I know that there must be so many, many more women out there in the world who are in my exact shoes. Devastated, broken, hopeless. I know that when I come across a woman who has gone through this type of situation, I find a great comfort in knowing that I am not the only one. These feelings that I am feeling are normal, natural. But greatly undeserved.

I am struggling a great deal to not become a shell of my former self. To my family I am their "Sunshine Girl" and I refuse to let this situation steal that away from me. I gave my husband everything I had. But the good thing about it is that even though I gave him so much of myself, I am still me and I have so much more to offer. My love, my passion, my money, my self. I may not be able to physically take it back, but I realize that even though I gave so much to him I still have more to give to others. It's never ending. I can pour out my love and my time and my dedication onto anyone I choose. I just didn't give it to him and now it's all gone. I have a never ending supply of myself. The question is though, is it the same person as before? Or can it be a better, more full filled version of myself than I could ever realize? I can be more, if I choose to be more.

If I let this situation get the better of me and just sink into myself and bathe in the sadness what good am I? God doesn't want that. He loves me and wants me to conquer this and all of the sadness that Satin wants to lay on me. He wants me to shine. He wants me to be his Sunshine Girl and show people that life can be tough, but you can be tougher and you can conquer your situation with Him. But the first step is that you have to choose for yourself what road you are going to take. I have chosen to raise above this and to learn and grow from all of this crap! I count my blessings, because things could be so much worse than they are. It's not easy. No! No! No! I struggle every single minute of every single day, but I am and will continue to gain strength and tell the world what God has done for me.

So, any who reads my blog, I pray that you see God's love and grace through my words. I hope you can find some sort of encouragement from my life's struggles. I am an open book and I will not lie to you. Things have been tough and there is a very, very long road ahead of me, but I am getting through day by day. I don't know what the future holds. It's all in Gods' hands and I pray that His will be done in my life.