Ashamed

Over the recent weeks, I could slowly feel myself becoming very hard towards my husband. Almost to the point where I actually wanted a divorce. I could feel myself becoming very, very angry and nearly hostile towards my husband. I am ashamed that I have let those thoughts slowly creep into my mind. I am ashamed that I have started to embrace them. I am ashamed that I let satin in and I started to believe that a divorce is inevitable.

At church yesterday, I felt convicted in a way that wasn't a mind blowing experience. It was just subtle. Quietly I felt God moving me back towards where I know I should be. Waiting and believing. Not giving up and not moving towards giving up, but towards having more faith in him. Believing in him and knowing that he can do anything.

This scripture was used at church yesterday and I knew it was for my husband:
Philippians 1:6
I am sure that the One who began a good work in you will carry it on until it is completed...

I know my husband knows what he is doing is wrong. I know that he feels it every minute of every day. I know that God began a work in him so long ago and he will complete it. My husband has a purpose in this world. I have a purpose in this world. I almost let him down by wanting to give up. I almost let me down by wanting to give up. But I am not giving up. I have decided to press on:
Philippians 3:14
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

On Friday, I felt so much hate for my husband. I was so mad at him I just couldn't take it! I wanted to file right then and there. I wanted to quit. I felt so weak and tired. I just wanted all of this to stop. I wanted it to be over with so I can fully move on with my life. But then once again I felt God reminding me of this:
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ's power can rest on me.

My life is so strange right now. My emotions are all over the board and at times it's so hard to just keep breathing. I have come to realize that my life isn't all that bad. Things could be a lot worse and so I am so thankful for what I have, what he is providing me, what he is creating in me. I am so thankful for my life even though I don't understand what is going on. I am so thankful.

Lord,
Please forgive me and my bad thoughts towards my husband. I am human and I have turned my eye away from you, if only for a moment. But now I have decided, determined to keep my eyes on you and not on this world and what it has to say. I put my turst in you. All my hopes and dreams are in your hands. Your will is perfect and so help me to accept it without question.

I pray for my husband. I place him in your hands. Keep him safe during this violent time in his life. I pray that you would remove those scales from his eyes. Let him see with a new set of eyes the destruction his actions are causing. Let him see the lies he has been believing. Let him see your love for him. Help him. Guide him back to you.

I pray that you would fully restore our marriage. Healed without scares. You can do anything and restoring our marraige falls perfectly into that category. Help me to trust him again. Help me to love him again. Help me to see that this person right now is not my husband that I know. Help me to see that his actions are not his own, but satin's. Help me to remember the soul of my husband and remember the truth about him.

Make me strong. Make me able to get through this and become who you want me to be. Give me wisdom. Help me to know what to do and what to say and when to do it and when to say it. Give me strength. Make me strong.

Amen.