Just Breathe...

I had sort of a good/bad weekend. I was expecting to see my husband on Saturday, but he didn't reach out to me until late in the afternoon and I had plans with friends. I need hours with him not just minutes. I want to talk, but I am REALLY dreading it. I wish I could explain in detail the emotions that are jolting through my body. It really wears me out and I wish it would just stop. I am so heart-sick for him, but I am not just sick over our marriage. I am sick for him as a person. I really feel that this road he is on isn't leading to good places and I love him so much and it hurts me to see his actions. I know that this is going to follow him the rest of his life and I am quite sure this isn't the life he had envisioned for himself. There is a lot of repressed emotions and if he doesn't get the help he desperately needs, I am not sure where his life is going to take him. Only he can get the counseling help he needs and so far all he has done is refused it. I know I have offered it to him multiple times and he always had an excuse.

I did have a great time with my girlfriends on Saturday night. When they all found out that he was taking the the steps to divorce, they all rallied around me and had a get together to try and lift my spirits. I was so touched by their love and concern for me. It was a great feeling to be accepted by them. I have felt so rejected over the past 4 months and no one in this world should ever have to feel that. They were there when I needed them and I am so very thankful for them.

My mornings are usually the hardest part of my day to get started. I wake up and my heart is just so heavy with grief and the thought of getting through another day. It is so terribly hard to get up and I really struggle with getting out of bed and showering and getting ready for work. I hate the mornings and that is why I just have to breathe and bare down to get through.

Last night as I was going to be I just cried and cried out to God wanting and needing him so desperately and as I lay in my bed with tears streaming down my face I really felt like I wanted to die. I don't know why that desire was so strong last night, but I tried to read my Bible and the words just felt empty to me. I felt empty and I just wanted for all of this pain, this deeply rooted pain to just go away. I just want it to stop and I want my husband to feel some of the pain that I have been feeling. I just truly feel like I am at zero. The most precious thing in my life has been stolen away from me and I have no hope in getting it back. I am at zero...

sorry this post is such a rambling mess. i am just all over the place.