Breathing

Well, I got through last night. It was not easy and I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. I begged and pleaded with my husband not to do this. To not leave me with a divorce. I asked him over and over to just give us a chance. Let's try again and just see what happens. And if it doesn't work out then, ok.

I really don't know what he is thinking now. It was so incredibly nice to see him and to touch him. I have missed him so much and just to smell him again was very, very nice. He didn't leave the papers though and so now I am fearful that I am going to walk to the mailbox one day and there they will be. I am so fearful of that shock.

I am so tired and worn out by all of this, but I still have some fight in me for him. I still love him so much that it amazes me. I just can't understand why that even through all of this hell, I still want him with all of my heart and love him dearly. I pray and pray and pray for him and his well being. I pray that he would only open his heart a little to me and let us work through somethings just to see what is there and it anything can be saved. That is all I want. I just want to see what is there that could possibly be saved.

I just want to pour my heart out to him. In the past I never actually felt like doing that. I never really had many thoughts that I thought were worth sharing, but now I see that anything and everything that I am feeling or thinking is worth sharing with him. He is worth sharing all of my hopes and dreams and fears with. I am sorry that I never thought that in the past. I just want to talk with him. Talk about life and what I want out of it and hear what he wants out of it. I would give anything to just sit and hear what he has to say. I love him and I want to talk with him and really feel his soul.

I am so sorry for everything and so sorry for failing him. I failed him without even knowing it. I just didn't know...

I do not know and I am sorry.