After a few days of feeling a little reliefe from this saga called my life, I am feeling down today. Sad. Hopless. Scared. Confused. I just pray and pray and pray and pray. I am longing for some sort of comfort. Some sort of soothing words or actions. I am just so tired and so weary. I don't know just how much longer I can go on. I want to fight and keep this up, but I am human and I need a supernatural strength to give me the push I need.
The other night my husband said that sometimes things just don't turn out the way you want. I asked him what he meant by that statement and he refered to his mom's cancer. She is cancer free now, but still has issues from the treatment and surgury. It feels as if he wants to punish me for what is going on with his mom. Like he knows what to do to correct the situation, but doesn't want to just so things don't turn out like everyone wants it to turn out. He has the power and knowledge of what to do, but refuses to do anything about it.
Needing something to hope for...
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Courage
The definition fo courage is "the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery."
I pray that my husband can find the courage deep down inside of him to take a step back towards what is right in this world.
I pray that my husband can find the courage deep down inside of him to take a step back towards what is right in this world.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My Prayer for You
Dear God,
I pray for my husband today. I pray for him like I have prayed for him every other day during this nightmare we are going through. I pray that you would speak to him, show him that you love him and that your heart aches for him even more than mine does. Wrap your love and forgiveness around him and encamp angels around him. Fight off the enemy for him. Pull him out of this quicksand that he is sinking so fast in. Pull him out and set him on a high rock to stay. Pull the blinders from his eye. Let him see and feel all of the love that we have for him. Let him feel the forgiveness we want to bathe him in. I can only feel the pain that I am going through, but I am sure that the pain he is feeling, even if he is suppressing it, is so much more and deeper than even I can imagine. Throughout this entire ordeal, I have been walking by faith and trying with all of my heart to just trust God and his plan for me. I pray that you would find that little piece of faith to just take that step back towards me and our marriage. It isn't easy, but I pray that you would have a little courage and faith to say I will try. I pray and pray and pray for you, My Benny. I pray that your heart would be mended and that you would give our marriage the chance it deserves. God knows your hurt. God knows my hurt and he is ready to start the healing process if only you would let him. Let your guard down for just one minute. Let yourself feel the emotions you are tyring so desperately to hide. Let God back in your life and just watch what he can and will do. Philippians 1:6 says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." That is your scripture. He has begun a good work, not a bad work in you, and he wants to see it carried out. He wants to see you reach your full potential in him. He loves you and He needs you. I pray and pray and pray for you my husband. I am your wife and I blanket you in my prayers. God, please heal my marriage. Heal all of the hurt and rejection and failure on both of our parts. Please soften my husbands heart towards me. Soften his heart towards you. You can do anything and I am putting my marriage in your hands to mend and repair it without scars.
Amen.
I pray for my husband today. I pray for him like I have prayed for him every other day during this nightmare we are going through. I pray that you would speak to him, show him that you love him and that your heart aches for him even more than mine does. Wrap your love and forgiveness around him and encamp angels around him. Fight off the enemy for him. Pull him out of this quicksand that he is sinking so fast in. Pull him out and set him on a high rock to stay. Pull the blinders from his eye. Let him see and feel all of the love that we have for him. Let him feel the forgiveness we want to bathe him in. I can only feel the pain that I am going through, but I am sure that the pain he is feeling, even if he is suppressing it, is so much more and deeper than even I can imagine. Throughout this entire ordeal, I have been walking by faith and trying with all of my heart to just trust God and his plan for me. I pray that you would find that little piece of faith to just take that step back towards me and our marriage. It isn't easy, but I pray that you would have a little courage and faith to say I will try. I pray and pray and pray for you, My Benny. I pray that your heart would be mended and that you would give our marriage the chance it deserves. God knows your hurt. God knows my hurt and he is ready to start the healing process if only you would let him. Let your guard down for just one minute. Let yourself feel the emotions you are tyring so desperately to hide. Let God back in your life and just watch what he can and will do. Philippians 1:6 says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." That is your scripture. He has begun a good work, not a bad work in you, and he wants to see it carried out. He wants to see you reach your full potential in him. He loves you and He needs you. I pray and pray and pray for you my husband. I am your wife and I blanket you in my prayers. God, please heal my marriage. Heal all of the hurt and rejection and failure on both of our parts. Please soften my husbands heart towards me. Soften his heart towards you. You can do anything and I am putting my marriage in your hands to mend and repair it without scars.
Amen.
Breathing
Well, I got through last night. It was not easy and I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. I begged and pleaded with my husband not to do this. To not leave me with a divorce. I asked him over and over to just give us a chance. Let's try again and just see what happens. And if it doesn't work out then, ok.
I really don't know what he is thinking now. It was so incredibly nice to see him and to touch him. I have missed him so much and just to smell him again was very, very nice. He didn't leave the papers though and so now I am fearful that I am going to walk to the mailbox one day and there they will be. I am so fearful of that shock.
I am so tired and worn out by all of this, but I still have some fight in me for him. I still love him so much that it amazes me. I just can't understand why that even through all of this hell, I still want him with all of my heart and love him dearly. I pray and pray and pray for him and his well being. I pray that he would only open his heart a little to me and let us work through somethings just to see what is there and it anything can be saved. That is all I want. I just want to see what is there that could possibly be saved.
I just want to pour my heart out to him. In the past I never actually felt like doing that. I never really had many thoughts that I thought were worth sharing, but now I see that anything and everything that I am feeling or thinking is worth sharing with him. He is worth sharing all of my hopes and dreams and fears with. I am sorry that I never thought that in the past. I just want to talk with him. Talk about life and what I want out of it and hear what he wants out of it. I would give anything to just sit and hear what he has to say. I love him and I want to talk with him and really feel his soul.
I am so sorry for everything and so sorry for failing him. I failed him without even knowing it. I just didn't know...
I do not know and I am sorry.
I really don't know what he is thinking now. It was so incredibly nice to see him and to touch him. I have missed him so much and just to smell him again was very, very nice. He didn't leave the papers though and so now I am fearful that I am going to walk to the mailbox one day and there they will be. I am so fearful of that shock.
I am so tired and worn out by all of this, but I still have some fight in me for him. I still love him so much that it amazes me. I just can't understand why that even through all of this hell, I still want him with all of my heart and love him dearly. I pray and pray and pray for him and his well being. I pray that he would only open his heart a little to me and let us work through somethings just to see what is there and it anything can be saved. That is all I want. I just want to see what is there that could possibly be saved.
I just want to pour my heart out to him. In the past I never actually felt like doing that. I never really had many thoughts that I thought were worth sharing, but now I see that anything and everything that I am feeling or thinking is worth sharing with him. He is worth sharing all of my hopes and dreams and fears with. I am sorry that I never thought that in the past. I just want to talk with him. Talk about life and what I want out of it and hear what he wants out of it. I would give anything to just sit and hear what he has to say. I love him and I want to talk with him and really feel his soul.
I am so sorry for everything and so sorry for failing him. I failed him without even knowing it. I just didn't know...
I do not know and I am sorry.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I am...
lost, bewildered, empty, sad, mad, frustrated, confused, hurt, weary, jealous, void, rejected, thrown away, speechless, heartbroken, sick, anxious, nervous, numb, foggy, shocked, tearful, devastated, lonely, humiliated...
Love to Hate
All of the love I have ever had for my husband now has to turn into hate. I can not go on loving him. I just can't go on like this. I have to hate him and really see that what he has done to me is unwarranted. I have been nothing but gracious, loving and forgiving to him throughout these past 4 months and now it has come down to him wanting to divorce me.
I am completely devastated... a wasteland of a person.
I am completely devastated... a wasteland of a person.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Dying with Grief
My insides are just dying with grief over the thought of divorce. I have had a few days to let it sink in and I am just so miserable. I am literally having chest pains.
Why can't this all just end?
Why can't this all just end?
Just Breathe...
I had sort of a good/bad weekend. I was expecting to see my husband on Saturday, but he didn't reach out to me until late in the afternoon and I had plans with friends. I need hours with him not just minutes. I want to talk, but I am REALLY dreading it. I wish I could explain in detail the emotions that are jolting through my body. It really wears me out and I wish it would just stop. I am so heart-sick for him, but I am not just sick over our marriage. I am sick for him as a person. I really feel that this road he is on isn't leading to good places and I love him so much and it hurts me to see his actions. I know that this is going to follow him the rest of his life and I am quite sure this isn't the life he had envisioned for himself. There is a lot of repressed emotions and if he doesn't get the help he desperately needs, I am not sure where his life is going to take him. Only he can get the counseling help he needs and so far all he has done is refused it. I know I have offered it to him multiple times and he always had an excuse.
I did have a great time with my girlfriends on Saturday night. When they all found out that he was taking the the steps to divorce, they all rallied around me and had a get together to try and lift my spirits. I was so touched by their love and concern for me. It was a great feeling to be accepted by them. I have felt so rejected over the past 4 months and no one in this world should ever have to feel that. They were there when I needed them and I am so very thankful for them.
My mornings are usually the hardest part of my day to get started. I wake up and my heart is just so heavy with grief and the thought of getting through another day. It is so terribly hard to get up and I really struggle with getting out of bed and showering and getting ready for work. I hate the mornings and that is why I just have to breathe and bare down to get through.
Last night as I was going to be I just cried and cried out to God wanting and needing him so desperately and as I lay in my bed with tears streaming down my face I really felt like I wanted to die. I don't know why that desire was so strong last night, but I tried to read my Bible and the words just felt empty to me. I felt empty and I just wanted for all of this pain, this deeply rooted pain to just go away. I just want it to stop and I want my husband to feel some of the pain that I have been feeling. I just truly feel like I am at zero. The most precious thing in my life has been stolen away from me and I have no hope in getting it back. I am at zero...
sorry this post is such a rambling mess. i am just all over the place.
I did have a great time with my girlfriends on Saturday night. When they all found out that he was taking the the steps to divorce, they all rallied around me and had a get together to try and lift my spirits. I was so touched by their love and concern for me. It was a great feeling to be accepted by them. I have felt so rejected over the past 4 months and no one in this world should ever have to feel that. They were there when I needed them and I am so very thankful for them.
My mornings are usually the hardest part of my day to get started. I wake up and my heart is just so heavy with grief and the thought of getting through another day. It is so terribly hard to get up and I really struggle with getting out of bed and showering and getting ready for work. I hate the mornings and that is why I just have to breathe and bare down to get through.
Last night as I was going to be I just cried and cried out to God wanting and needing him so desperately and as I lay in my bed with tears streaming down my face I really felt like I wanted to die. I don't know why that desire was so strong last night, but I tried to read my Bible and the words just felt empty to me. I felt empty and I just wanted for all of this pain, this deeply rooted pain to just go away. I just want it to stop and I want my husband to feel some of the pain that I have been feeling. I just truly feel like I am at zero. The most precious thing in my life has been stolen away from me and I have no hope in getting it back. I am at zero...
sorry this post is such a rambling mess. i am just all over the place.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Beauty from Pain
I found this incredible song from SuperChick and it just says everything I feel right now. I am amazed that this song is out there. It couldn't express any better than what I am going through right now and the fact that God is going to bring something beautiful from all of this pain.
"Beauty From Pain"
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
"Beauty From Pain"
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
A Millions Steps Backward
Since my husband confirmed my worst nightmare on Wednesday, I feel like I have taken a million steps backward emotionally. My body is aching terribly like it did when this all shot out into the open back in April. My concentration here at work is just in pieces today and I could just cry and cry and cry. I thought that being apart from him would make this easier, but hasn't and I am just a mess again. What am I going to do? How am I going to get through this? I just want to be happy again. I once told my husband that him just breathing made me happy. That was a lie. He is breathing right now somewhere out there and I am not happy. I am miserable. I am at zero. I have nothing left in me to think about or review. I have looked at it all and I am just drained. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing...
Misery is all around me, suffocating me, blocking my airways. Choking the life right out of me and he doesn't even care. I am at the bottom of this pit and there is nothing, nothing in this world I can do.
Misery is all around me, suffocating me, blocking my airways. Choking the life right out of me and he doesn't even care. I am at the bottom of this pit and there is nothing, nothing in this world I can do.
Crying Out
My head feels so foggy. I just got to work and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. Deep breaths... deep breaths....
God,
HELP ME! I need you so much right now. Please help me! I need to hear your voice. I can't go on and on without hearing from you. I need to know what to do. I need to know! I trust you with whatever happens, but please let me know what I need to do in all of this mess. Please help me! I am crying out from the deepest parts of my soul, needing your guidance. I need you! I need you! I need you! Please help me to know what steps I need to take in all of this. Please settle me spirit. Please! Please! Please! I am crying out to you with all that I have! Jesus, please help me! Tell me what I am to do. I don't want to step left or right without your guidance.
Please, hear my cry...
God,
HELP ME! I need you so much right now. Please help me! I need to hear your voice. I can't go on and on without hearing from you. I need to know what to do. I need to know! I trust you with whatever happens, but please let me know what I need to do in all of this mess. Please help me! I am crying out from the deepest parts of my soul, needing your guidance. I need you! I need you! I need you! Please help me to know what steps I need to take in all of this. Please settle me spirit. Please! Please! Please! I am crying out to you with all that I have! Jesus, please help me! Tell me what I am to do. I don't want to step left or right without your guidance.
Please, hear my cry...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
It's Here
The moment I had hoped would never come. He wants to give me divorce papers. Can I wake up now? Can this nightmare end? I am so completely devastated I couldn't even go into work today. All this week I have been trying to put all of my faith and trust in God. That is a very hard, hard thing to do, but my God will take care of me no matter what happens. My husband is making this choice on his own freewill...
I would still take him back. In a heartbeat. Sure there would be some much heartache and repairing to do, but it could be done. He just does not want that and that crushes me. He gave me 2 days to try and work things out. 2 days! Out of the 10 years we have been together, he loved me enough to give me 2 days.
You aren't the person I married. You are someone else and that is the most painful thing of all, because I know who you really are and you are a wonderful person. But you have chosen to ignore that and I am sorry you have changed to someone that chooses divorce over help and hard work. The man I married would have never asked for this. I want my Benny back. I want that sensitive person who just wanted to help people and to be their friend. I am sorry, but this is your choice, not mine.
I would still take him back. In a heartbeat. Sure there would be some much heartache and repairing to do, but it could be done. He just does not want that and that crushes me. He gave me 2 days to try and work things out. 2 days! Out of the 10 years we have been together, he loved me enough to give me 2 days.
You aren't the person I married. You are someone else and that is the most painful thing of all, because I know who you really are and you are a wonderful person. But you have chosen to ignore that and I am sorry you have changed to someone that chooses divorce over help and hard work. The man I married would have never asked for this. I want my Benny back. I want that sensitive person who just wanted to help people and to be their friend. I am sorry, but this is your choice, not mine.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Always There
I just had a very panicked feeling that everything was spiraling out of control in my life and I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to do something to make it stop. Maybe I need to talk to my husband? Maybe I need to get in touch with him and see where he is at mentally in all of this? But no. After I had that thought process, I remembered that God is in control and I don't need to do a thing but wait. Whatever happens, happens. But I am not in control and anything I think I should do is probably wrong. I just need to wait this out. Let my husband pull the strings if there are any to pull. Let him make the moves. He knows exactly where I stand and my attitude in all of this. Just stand firm and wait. Let God stay in control. There is no harm in waiting. When I was panicking it was as if God were speaking to my heart and just saying "Remember, you have put your trust in me so don't panic." That was very comforting. He is always there. Ever present and ready to put my fears at ease.
Jesus, you are my everything.
Jesus, you are my everything.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Music
I just love the talents of Christian artists! They really have a gift to express through their words and music what so many of us are feeling. Just like Hillsong, Jeremy Camp and Jennifer Knapp, I have come across another wonderful song that resonates in me. It's from the David Crowder Band and the song is called "Never Let Go" and here are the lyrics:
When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope Perfect love that never lets go
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go
It's just a great song that gives me a huge comfort and I rest in the knowledge that I am in God's hands and he will never let me go.
When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope Perfect love that never lets go
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go
It's just a great song that gives me a huge comfort and I rest in the knowledge that I am in God's hands and he will never let me go.
No Matter What
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.
This is a very hard scripture to follow and trust in. My life is crumbling all around me and I am supposed to be thankful? Why God? Why am I supposed to be thankful for the nightmare I am living? Why am I the one who has to suffer through all of this? Why me? Why my marriage? Why my husband? Well, I think I have come to terms with these questions. God has a plan for both me and my husband. He is preparing us for something that lies in our future. The question now is, is my husband going to heed God's calling on his life and listen to his urging?
I have come to really love this scripture:
Philippians 1:6
I am sure that the One who began a good work in you will carry it on until it is completed. That will be on the day Christ Jesus returns.
And it really just speaks to me regarding my husband. It gives me hope for my husbands future. I don't know what is going to happen or just how long this will last, but I know that my husband has a calling on his life and that God created him to do his work.
I spoke with a good family friend last night who has gone through this as well and she was just so encouraging and helped pull me out of my funk yesterday. I am going through this fire right now and I really, truly have no idea why. But what she helped me really realize last night is that God is allowing me to go through this for what does lie ahead. Hopefully some day I will be able to minister to women all over the country who are going through this nightmare themselves.
When we are looking at the situation and the actions of our loved ones, it hurts. The pain digs deeper than we ever thought possible. The roots of that pain begin to grow around our hearts and minds and our hope begins to fade. But if we can only fix our eyes on Him and trust him and have faith that he will carry us through this, things don't seem quite as bad. I keep telling myself not to look at what my husband is doing and his actions, but turn to God and focus my eyes on him. When I do that my spirit is lifted and I feel good, confident and strong. It is always easier said than done. But when I started to grab hold of what God could possibly be using me for in the future, my spirit got excited. I want to help people and I want to encourage them and show them there is hope.
I don't know what the outcome of my situation is going to be. I really have not idea and that can be a scary thought. But I am going to trust in my God and hang onto him for dear life through out all of this heartache, pain and misery. He has a plan and he is in control I just need to walk by faith.
Jeremy Camp has a wonderful song that I have really grabbed a hold of and it is titled "Walk By Faith" and it says this:
Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words
You say
Every moment of every day
[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath
You make me new
Your grace covers all I do yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya
[chorus]
Well I'm broken- but I still see
Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring
Your words of grace
[chorus x2]
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk,
I will walk by faith I will,
I will, I will walk by faith
After reading through this, I felt that God was saying to me that it gives him great joy when we trust him and put our faith in him. He has given us freewill, but if we chose to put our trust in him rather doing what we want and wanting and trusting in what he wants for us he will surely bless us for doing so.
Psalm 18:25
Lord, to those who are faithful you show that you are faithful.
Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.
This is a very hard scripture to follow and trust in. My life is crumbling all around me and I am supposed to be thankful? Why God? Why am I supposed to be thankful for the nightmare I am living? Why am I the one who has to suffer through all of this? Why me? Why my marriage? Why my husband? Well, I think I have come to terms with these questions. God has a plan for both me and my husband. He is preparing us for something that lies in our future. The question now is, is my husband going to heed God's calling on his life and listen to his urging?
I have come to really love this scripture:
Philippians 1:6
I am sure that the One who began a good work in you will carry it on until it is completed. That will be on the day Christ Jesus returns.
And it really just speaks to me regarding my husband. It gives me hope for my husbands future. I don't know what is going to happen or just how long this will last, but I know that my husband has a calling on his life and that God created him to do his work.
I spoke with a good family friend last night who has gone through this as well and she was just so encouraging and helped pull me out of my funk yesterday. I am going through this fire right now and I really, truly have no idea why. But what she helped me really realize last night is that God is allowing me to go through this for what does lie ahead. Hopefully some day I will be able to minister to women all over the country who are going through this nightmare themselves.
When we are looking at the situation and the actions of our loved ones, it hurts. The pain digs deeper than we ever thought possible. The roots of that pain begin to grow around our hearts and minds and our hope begins to fade. But if we can only fix our eyes on Him and trust him and have faith that he will carry us through this, things don't seem quite as bad. I keep telling myself not to look at what my husband is doing and his actions, but turn to God and focus my eyes on him. When I do that my spirit is lifted and I feel good, confident and strong. It is always easier said than done. But when I started to grab hold of what God could possibly be using me for in the future, my spirit got excited. I want to help people and I want to encourage them and show them there is hope.
I don't know what the outcome of my situation is going to be. I really have not idea and that can be a scary thought. But I am going to trust in my God and hang onto him for dear life through out all of this heartache, pain and misery. He has a plan and he is in control I just need to walk by faith.
Jeremy Camp has a wonderful song that I have really grabbed a hold of and it is titled "Walk By Faith" and it says this:
Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words
You say
Every moment of every day
[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath
You make me new
Your grace covers all I do yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya
[chorus]
Well I'm broken- but I still see
Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring
Your words of grace
[chorus x2]
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk,
I will walk by faith I will,
I will, I will walk by faith
After reading through this, I felt that God was saying to me that it gives him great joy when we trust him and put our faith in him. He has given us freewill, but if we chose to put our trust in him rather doing what we want and wanting and trusting in what he wants for us he will surely bless us for doing so.
Psalm 18:25
Lord, to those who are faithful you show that you are faithful.
Monday, August 18, 2008
What Does It Look Like?
Pain? Agony? Suffering? This pain that I feel is much different than that of cancer or Alzheimer's or lupus. What does this type of pain that I am feeling look like? What does it feel like? What does it sound like? What does it smell like? I have compiled a list of words that can only begin to describe the thoughts and feelings I have been suffering through on a regular basis. These are only words, but many of them describe the depths of my soul and the deepest darkest time of my life...
Abandoned
Afraid
Agonizing
Agony
Alarmed
Alone
Anxious
Appalled
Apprehensive
Astonished
Astounded
Atrocious
Awful
Bad
Baffled
Bare
Beaten
Befuddled
Bemuse
Beside myself
Bewildered
Black
Blank
Bleak
Bothered
Bowled over
Broken
Cast off
Cheerless
Concerned
Confused
Crushed
Cut-off
Dark
Dazed
Dead
Defeated
Defenseless
Delicate
Dependent
Depressed
Derelict
Deserted
Desolate
Desperate
Dirty
Disastrous
Discarded
Disheartened
Disregarded
Distracted
Distraught
Disturbed
Downward
Drab
Dreadful
Dreary
Drowned
Dumped
Emaciated
Empty
Excruciating
Fearful
Feeble
Forlorn
Forsaken
Foul
Frail
Fretful
Frightened
Frightful
Frozen
Gloomy
Grief stricken
Grimy
Heart rendering
Heartbreaking
Heart-sick
Helpless
Hollow
Hopeless
Horrible
Horrific
Horrified
Ignored
Ill-fated
Immobilized
Incapable
Insignificant
Insurmountable
Isolated
Jumpy
Lifeless
Lonely
Lost
Low
Meager
Miserable
Mistreated
Mournful
Mystified
Neglected
Nervous
Old
Overcome
Pain
Painful
Panicky
Paralyzed
Perplexed
Polluted
Poor
Powerless
Puzzled
Refuse
Rejected
Rubbish
Sad
Second hand
Shady
Shallow
Shocked
Soiled
Somber
Startled
Stunned
Sunken
Superfluous
Tear-jerking
Terrible
Terrified
Thrown
Toothless
Tragic
Trampled
Trash
Troubled
Unable
Unaided
Unbearable
Uncared for
Undeserved
Uneasy
Unfortunate
Unfulfilled
Unguarded
Unhappy
Unloved
Unlucky
Unmerited
Unneeded
Unnoticed
Unpromising
Unprotected
Unprovoked
Unwanted
Unwarranted
Upsetting
Used
Vacant
Valueless
Vulnerable
Wasted
Weak
Withered
Woeful
Wordless
Worried
Worthless
Abandoned
Afraid
Agonizing
Agony
Alarmed
Alone
Anxious
Appalled
Apprehensive
Astonished
Astounded
Atrocious
Awful
Bad
Baffled
Bare
Beaten
Befuddled
Bemuse
Beside myself
Bewildered
Black
Blank
Bleak
Bothered
Bowled over
Broken
Cast off
Cheerless
Concerned
Confused
Crushed
Cut-off
Dark
Dazed
Dead
Defeated
Defenseless
Delicate
Dependent
Depressed
Derelict
Deserted
Desolate
Desperate
Dirty
Disastrous
Discarded
Disheartened
Disregarded
Distracted
Distraught
Disturbed
Downward
Drab
Dreadful
Dreary
Drowned
Dumped
Emaciated
Empty
Excruciating
Fearful
Feeble
Forlorn
Forsaken
Foul
Frail
Fretful
Frightened
Frightful
Frozen
Gloomy
Grief stricken
Grimy
Heart rendering
Heartbreaking
Heart-sick
Helpless
Hollow
Hopeless
Horrible
Horrific
Horrified
Ignored
Ill-fated
Immobilized
Incapable
Insignificant
Insurmountable
Isolated
Jumpy
Lifeless
Lonely
Lost
Low
Meager
Miserable
Mistreated
Mournful
Mystified
Neglected
Nervous
Old
Overcome
Pain
Painful
Panicky
Paralyzed
Perplexed
Polluted
Poor
Powerless
Puzzled
Refuse
Rejected
Rubbish
Sad
Second hand
Shady
Shallow
Shocked
Soiled
Somber
Startled
Stunned
Sunken
Superfluous
Tear-jerking
Terrible
Terrified
Thrown
Toothless
Tragic
Trampled
Trash
Troubled
Unable
Unaided
Unbearable
Uncared for
Undeserved
Uneasy
Unfortunate
Unfulfilled
Unguarded
Unhappy
Unloved
Unlucky
Unmerited
Unneeded
Unnoticed
Unpromising
Unprotected
Unprovoked
Unwanted
Unwarranted
Upsetting
Used
Vacant
Valueless
Vulnerable
Wasted
Weak
Withered
Woeful
Wordless
Worried
Worthless
So Much
My heart is so heavy today. I have so much confusions and fear in me right now, I can hardly stand. There are times when I actually see myself getting through this and actually living and having a great life and there are other times when I just can crumble under all of this weight. How can I go on? I trusted my husband and now he has breached that trust and I feel as if I could never trust a single person again. I just looked back at one of my old e-mails from him and I just want to shout at him "LAIR! YOU LIED TO ME!" You told me forever and now look where we are! This sure doesn't feel like forever. Are you telling her forever too? I am sure you are already telling her that you love her and that she is so great and wonderful and the girl of your dreams. LIAR! You told me those same things! You told me that I was yours and you were mine! You told me! I trusted you! I trusted you Ben Hardy! I trusted you with my entire life! I gave you the best I ever had! I loved being able to support you and see you succeed and pursue your dream! You know, I put things wanted on the back burner for you! Yes, I had dreams too, but I had to remain the main breadwinner of our family so that you could pursue your hopes and dreams! I was just there to ensure that all of our bills were made. I wanted to be a personal trainer, you remember? I cried and cried to you because I couldn't pursue that do to our financial situation. It was my idea to move to South Carolina, remember that? It was my idea to go through Financial Peace again so that we could get recharged, remember that? It was me who wrote ALL of your resumes, remember that? It was me! BETHANY! It is was me who supported you and encouraged you and cried with you and lost friends with you! IT WAS ME!!!! It was me who saw the potential you had in high school. It was me... Bethany. No one else wanted to be your friend more that me. Now look what you have done with me. Thrown me away like some used up Kleenex. Old, worn out, useless to you. You will never know the pain and agony you have made me endure over the past 3-1/2 months. You will never understand the deepest, emptiest feeling that I have right now. I am so empty and it's because of you. You tore me half, broke me, discarded me and all of the love and support and admiration I had for you. You are reckless, selfish, juvenile. You value those with little character, morals and standards. You value a life that only leads to death. You value your own self-centered, career mind self. I am a broken, shattered woman who only wanted life's best for you and I wanted to be there every step of the way with, behind the scenes and being your greatest cheerleader in a world that feeds off of doubt and disbelief. I would have been your loudest cheerleader and you know it. So sue, divorce me just because I don't like to drink alcohol and stay up to the crack of dawn. I hardly think that is a character flaw in me, but you have made me think and feel that it was a huge issue and I that I was wrong. But I have realized, that that isn't a character flaw. I was thinking last night if we really did have any sort of relationship between us. What makes a relationship a relationship? What makes a marriage a marriage? Love, understanding, communication, interests, goals, morales, values, compatibility, focus, drive, care, fun, happiness, sadness, anger, peace. As far as I can tell, we had one hell of a relationship! Sure, there are always things that we can improve on, but in the grand scheme of things it was a great marriage and now you have thrown it all away! And for what? What has your life gained since you decided to abandon me? I guessing not much but late nights, hangovers and no money.
I'm tired and I can't think about this anymore today...
I'm tired and I can't think about this anymore today...
Friday, August 15, 2008
Whatever May Come...
Psalm 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Do not depend on your own understanding.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Do not depend on your own understanding.
Blessed Among Women
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I was praying that God would make me the dynamic person he needs and wants me to be. I don't know why I am going through this personal hell, but I am and if I don't come through this with a new attitude and a new outlook then it will all be wasted. I am really trying to learn and grow from all of this. Find out who I am and know that my hope doesn't lie in the world and in men, but my hope lies in God and the knowledge that he sees and hears all.
Whoever I am when I come out on the other side of this, I pray that it is the person God wants me to be. Compassionate, loving, caring, happy. I don't want to be bitter. I want to happy. At times it feels like I will never be happy again. Like I am doomed to live in this anguish the rest of my life, but I know that is not true. I know God wants me to be happy and I know that my story will be told many times and will give encouragement to so many other husbands and wives who will be going through this same struggle. I want to be used by God and I want him to use this nightmare so that others can find the hope they need in their darkest times.
Anyway, I have been trying to read my Bible a little before I go to bed each night. I don't get very far, but I try. In June I found The Message Bible at a rummage sale for $1 and bought it. I love this version of God's word. I can understand it with ease and it really translates well into today's form of talking. It's truthful, straight forward and honest. So, I am not a huge Bible person. I rarely know where to go and what to read. I play this game where I just open it up and start reading. God's word is alive and living and can speak to me where ever I am at in life. It's applicable to so many things I am going through and here is what I came across last night:
Luke 1:39-56
Blessed Among Women
39-45Mary didn't waste a minute.
She got up and traveled to a town in Judah in the hill country,
straight to Zachariah's house, and greeted Elizabeth.
When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby in her womb leaped.
She was filled with the Holy Spirit, and sang out exuberantly,
You're so blessed among women,
and the babe in your womb, also blessed!
And why am I so blessed that
the mother of my Lord visits me?
The moment the sound of your
greeting entered my ears,
The babe in my womb
skipped like a lamb for sheer joy.
Blessed woman, who believed what God said,
believed every word would come true!
46-55And Mary said,
I'm bursting with God-news;
I'm dancing the song of my Savior God.
God took one good look at me, and look what happened—
I'm the most fortunate woman on earth!
What God has done for me will never be forgotten,
the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others.
His mercy flows in wave after wave
on those who are in awe before him.
He bared his arm and showed his strength,
scattered the bluffing braggarts.
He knocked tyrants off their high horses,
Pulled victims out of the mud.
The starving poor sat down to a banquet;
the callous rich were left out in the cold.
He embraced his chosen child, Israel;
he remembered and piled on the mercies, piled them high.
It's exactly what he promised,
beginning with Abraham and right up to now.
56Mary stayed with Elizabeth for three months and then went back to her own home.
I realize that this scripture relates to Mary being pregnant with Jesus, but she was chosen out of so many women by God to carry out this heavy task of being Jesus' mother. Out of thousands and possibly millions of woman who were living at that time, God chose Mary because he knew she could handle it. He knew that she would be his strongest advocate here on earth. I am no Mary by any means, but there is some reason as to why me and my husband are going through all of this right now. I don't know why, but I choose to believe that it is part of a great plan he has for us and our marriage.
I wish I had all of the answers and knew when this would all end and how it would end, but I don't. I wish I could fast forward through the upcoming months and years and just get to being happy again, but I can't. I have to go through the fire in order to be made pure and stronger for what lies ahead. I am trying so hard to rest in God's hands and let him do all of the work, but it's not easy. Every day, it's a task to just get out of bed and I pray that He would get me through yet another day. And He does. He is so faithful to me and I don't want to let Him down. I long to become the person he needs me to be in this world.
Whoever I am when I come out on the other side of this, I pray that it is the person God wants me to be. Compassionate, loving, caring, happy. I don't want to be bitter. I want to happy. At times it feels like I will never be happy again. Like I am doomed to live in this anguish the rest of my life, but I know that is not true. I know God wants me to be happy and I know that my story will be told many times and will give encouragement to so many other husbands and wives who will be going through this same struggle. I want to be used by God and I want him to use this nightmare so that others can find the hope they need in their darkest times.
Anyway, I have been trying to read my Bible a little before I go to bed each night. I don't get very far, but I try. In June I found The Message Bible at a rummage sale for $1 and bought it. I love this version of God's word. I can understand it with ease and it really translates well into today's form of talking. It's truthful, straight forward and honest. So, I am not a huge Bible person. I rarely know where to go and what to read. I play this game where I just open it up and start reading. God's word is alive and living and can speak to me where ever I am at in life. It's applicable to so many things I am going through and here is what I came across last night:
Luke 1:39-56
Blessed Among Women
39-45Mary didn't waste a minute.
She got up and traveled to a town in Judah in the hill country,
straight to Zachariah's house, and greeted Elizabeth.
When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby in her womb leaped.
She was filled with the Holy Spirit, and sang out exuberantly,
You're so blessed among women,
and the babe in your womb, also blessed!
And why am I so blessed that
the mother of my Lord visits me?
The moment the sound of your
greeting entered my ears,
The babe in my womb
skipped like a lamb for sheer joy.
Blessed woman, who believed what God said,
believed every word would come true!
46-55And Mary said,
I'm bursting with God-news;
I'm dancing the song of my Savior God.
God took one good look at me, and look what happened—
I'm the most fortunate woman on earth!
What God has done for me will never be forgotten,
the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others.
His mercy flows in wave after wave
on those who are in awe before him.
He bared his arm and showed his strength,
scattered the bluffing braggarts.
He knocked tyrants off their high horses,
Pulled victims out of the mud.
The starving poor sat down to a banquet;
the callous rich were left out in the cold.
He embraced his chosen child, Israel;
he remembered and piled on the mercies, piled them high.
It's exactly what he promised,
beginning with Abraham and right up to now.
56Mary stayed with Elizabeth for three months and then went back to her own home.
I realize that this scripture relates to Mary being pregnant with Jesus, but she was chosen out of so many women by God to carry out this heavy task of being Jesus' mother. Out of thousands and possibly millions of woman who were living at that time, God chose Mary because he knew she could handle it. He knew that she would be his strongest advocate here on earth. I am no Mary by any means, but there is some reason as to why me and my husband are going through all of this right now. I don't know why, but I choose to believe that it is part of a great plan he has for us and our marriage.
I wish I had all of the answers and knew when this would all end and how it would end, but I don't. I wish I could fast forward through the upcoming months and years and just get to being happy again, but I can't. I have to go through the fire in order to be made pure and stronger for what lies ahead. I am trying so hard to rest in God's hands and let him do all of the work, but it's not easy. Every day, it's a task to just get out of bed and I pray that He would get me through yet another day. And He does. He is so faithful to me and I don't want to let Him down. I long to become the person he needs me to be in this world.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Save Us
Over the passed few days I have been crying out to God.
"Please! Save me! Save my husband! Save my marriage! Save us! Please!"
I feel like I am just shouting at the top of my lungs, pleading and begging. Help me! Save me!
I feel like me, my husband and our marriage needs to be saved from the Fowler's trap. Picked up and placed and on high rock. I thought this morning that we need to be pulled from the miry clay and I looked that scripture up and it comes from Psalms:
Psalm 40
1 I was patient while I waited for the Lord.
He turned to me and heard my cry for help.
2 I was sliding down into the pit of death, and he pulled me out.
He brought me up out of the mud and dirt.
He set my feet on a rock.
He gave me a firm place to stand on.
3 He gave me a new song to sing.
It is a hymn of praise to our God.
Many people will see what he has done and will worship him.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
4 Blessed is the man
who trusts in the Lord.
He doesn't look to proud people for help.
He doesn't turn away to worship statues of gods.
5 Lord my God,
no one can compare with you.
You have done many miracles.
And you plan to do many more for us.
There are too many of them
for me to talk about.
6 You didn't want sacrifices and offerings.
You weren't pleased with burnt offerings and sin offerings.
You gave me ears to hear you and obey you.
7 Then I said, "Here I am.
It is written about me in the scroll.
8 My God, I have come to do what you want.
Your law is in my heart."
9 I have told the whole community of those who worship you
that what you do is right.
Lord, you know
that I haven't kept quiet.
10 I haven't kept to myself that what you did for me was right.
I have spoken about how faithful you were when you saved me.
I haven't hidden your love and truth
from the whole community.
11 Lord, don't hold back your mercy from me.
May your love and truth always keep me safe.
12 There are more troubles all around me than I can count.
My sins have caught up with me, and I can't see any longer.
My sins are more than the hairs of my head.
I have lost all hope.
13 Lord, please save me.
Lord, come quickly to help me.
14 Let all those who are trying to kill me be put to shame.
Let them not be honored.
Let all those who want to destroy me
be turned back in shame.
15 Some people make fun of me.
Let them be shocked when their plans fail.
16 But let all those who look to you
be joyful and glad because of what you have done.
Let those who love you because you save them always say,
"May the Lord be honored!"
17 But I am poor and needy.
May the Lord be concerned about me.
You are the One who helps me and saves me.
My God, please don't wait any longer.
The scripture that talks about being saved from the Fowler's snare is also in Psalms.
Psalm 124
1 Here is what Israel should say.
Suppose the Lord had not been on our side.
2 Suppose the Lord had not been on our side
when our enemies attacked us.
3 Suppose he had not been on our side
when their anger blazed out against us.
Then they would have swallowed us alive.
4 They would have been like a flood that drowned us.
hey would have swept over us like a rushing river.
5 They would have washed us away
like a swollen stream.
6 Give praise to the Lord.
He has not let our enemies chew us up.
7 We have escaped like a bird
from a hunter's trap.
The trap has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8 Our help comes from the Lord.
He is the Maker of heaven and earth.
He can save us. He can save my marriage and I trust that he will. I am continually crying out to God for help during this time. I have had a resurge of confidence and strength to stand for my husband over the past few days. I have to stand for him. He needs me even if he doesn't realize it. We are one and I am the strongest ally he has. I have to fight for him. I can't let him down.
"Please! Save me! Save my husband! Save my marriage! Save us! Please!"
I feel like I am just shouting at the top of my lungs, pleading and begging. Help me! Save me!
I feel like me, my husband and our marriage needs to be saved from the Fowler's trap. Picked up and placed and on high rock. I thought this morning that we need to be pulled from the miry clay and I looked that scripture up and it comes from Psalms:
Psalm 40
1 I was patient while I waited for the Lord.
He turned to me and heard my cry for help.
2 I was sliding down into the pit of death, and he pulled me out.
He brought me up out of the mud and dirt.
He set my feet on a rock.
He gave me a firm place to stand on.
3 He gave me a new song to sing.
It is a hymn of praise to our God.
Many people will see what he has done and will worship him.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
4 Blessed is the man
who trusts in the Lord.
He doesn't look to proud people for help.
He doesn't turn away to worship statues of gods.
5 Lord my God,
no one can compare with you.
You have done many miracles.
And you plan to do many more for us.
There are too many of them
for me to talk about.
6 You didn't want sacrifices and offerings.
You weren't pleased with burnt offerings and sin offerings.
You gave me ears to hear you and obey you.
7 Then I said, "Here I am.
It is written about me in the scroll.
8 My God, I have come to do what you want.
Your law is in my heart."
9 I have told the whole community of those who worship you
that what you do is right.
Lord, you know
that I haven't kept quiet.
10 I haven't kept to myself that what you did for me was right.
I have spoken about how faithful you were when you saved me.
I haven't hidden your love and truth
from the whole community.
11 Lord, don't hold back your mercy from me.
May your love and truth always keep me safe.
12 There are more troubles all around me than I can count.
My sins have caught up with me, and I can't see any longer.
My sins are more than the hairs of my head.
I have lost all hope.
13 Lord, please save me.
Lord, come quickly to help me.
14 Let all those who are trying to kill me be put to shame.
Let them not be honored.
Let all those who want to destroy me
be turned back in shame.
15 Some people make fun of me.
Let them be shocked when their plans fail.
16 But let all those who look to you
be joyful and glad because of what you have done.
Let those who love you because you save them always say,
"May the Lord be honored!"
17 But I am poor and needy.
May the Lord be concerned about me.
You are the One who helps me and saves me.
My God, please don't wait any longer.
The scripture that talks about being saved from the Fowler's snare is also in Psalms.
Psalm 124
1 Here is what Israel should say.
Suppose the Lord had not been on our side.
2 Suppose the Lord had not been on our side
when our enemies attacked us.
3 Suppose he had not been on our side
when their anger blazed out against us.
Then they would have swallowed us alive.
4 They would have been like a flood that drowned us.
hey would have swept over us like a rushing river.
5 They would have washed us away
like a swollen stream.
6 Give praise to the Lord.
He has not let our enemies chew us up.
7 We have escaped like a bird
from a hunter's trap.
The trap has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8 Our help comes from the Lord.
He is the Maker of heaven and earth.
He can save us. He can save my marriage and I trust that he will. I am continually crying out to God for help during this time. I have had a resurge of confidence and strength to stand for my husband over the past few days. I have to stand for him. He needs me even if he doesn't realize it. We are one and I am the strongest ally he has. I have to fight for him. I can't let him down.
Monday, August 11, 2008
He Will Provide
Philippians 4:19
My God will meet all your needs. He will meet them in keeping with his wonderful riches that come to you because you belong to Christ Jesus.
You know it was just on Friday I was talking about how I couldn't afford to by medicine for my dog. It was going to cost $300 and I needed this and that and more. I just felt horrible about it, but there was nothing I could do for him. And now he is just itching and licking even more!
On Saturday we had a family get together and I was telling my family what happened at the vet and how it made me sort of made at my husband because he is not around to help financially. I mean seriously, $300! There aren't many people out there who could just afford that with 2 incomes!
But God! Yesterday I received a phone call from my uncle who heard the story and he said that he wanted me to take my dog to his vet and get him checked out and he would help me pay for the medicine for him! Can you believe that?!? God is so good. Here I was so sad that I couldn't help my puppy feel better and he was resigned to a season of itchiness and here comes my wonderful uncle telling me that he wants to help get my dog some help. God is so good! I am so very, very thankful for my God and my family he gave me. Both are my rock and I couldn't get through this without them.
God will provide for me through this difficulty time and I can clearly see three times already that he is working in my life and meeting my needs: my car, my apartment and my dog.
Thank you, God!
My God will meet all your needs. He will meet them in keeping with his wonderful riches that come to you because you belong to Christ Jesus.
You know it was just on Friday I was talking about how I couldn't afford to by medicine for my dog. It was going to cost $300 and I needed this and that and more. I just felt horrible about it, but there was nothing I could do for him. And now he is just itching and licking even more!
On Saturday we had a family get together and I was telling my family what happened at the vet and how it made me sort of made at my husband because he is not around to help financially. I mean seriously, $300! There aren't many people out there who could just afford that with 2 incomes!
But God! Yesterday I received a phone call from my uncle who heard the story and he said that he wanted me to take my dog to his vet and get him checked out and he would help me pay for the medicine for him! Can you believe that?!? God is so good. Here I was so sad that I couldn't help my puppy feel better and he was resigned to a season of itchiness and here comes my wonderful uncle telling me that he wants to help get my dog some help. God is so good! I am so very, very thankful for my God and my family he gave me. Both are my rock and I couldn't get through this without them.
God will provide for me through this difficulty time and I can clearly see three times already that he is working in my life and meeting my needs: my car, my apartment and my dog.
Thank you, God!
Ashamed
Over the recent weeks, I could slowly feel myself becoming very hard towards my husband. Almost to the point where I actually wanted a divorce. I could feel myself becoming very, very angry and nearly hostile towards my husband. I am ashamed that I have let those thoughts slowly creep into my mind. I am ashamed that I have started to embrace them. I am ashamed that I let satin in and I started to believe that a divorce is inevitable.
At church yesterday, I felt convicted in a way that wasn't a mind blowing experience. It was just subtle. Quietly I felt God moving me back towards where I know I should be. Waiting and believing. Not giving up and not moving towards giving up, but towards having more faith in him. Believing in him and knowing that he can do anything.
This scripture was used at church yesterday and I knew it was for my husband:
Philippians 1:6
I am sure that the One who began a good work in you will carry it on until it is completed...
I know my husband knows what he is doing is wrong. I know that he feels it every minute of every day. I know that God began a work in him so long ago and he will complete it. My husband has a purpose in this world. I have a purpose in this world. I almost let him down by wanting to give up. I almost let me down by wanting to give up. But I am not giving up. I have decided to press on:
Philippians 3:14
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
On Friday, I felt so much hate for my husband. I was so mad at him I just couldn't take it! I wanted to file right then and there. I wanted to quit. I felt so weak and tired. I just wanted all of this to stop. I wanted it to be over with so I can fully move on with my life. But then once again I felt God reminding me of this:
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ's power can rest on me.
My life is so strange right now. My emotions are all over the board and at times it's so hard to just keep breathing. I have come to realize that my life isn't all that bad. Things could be a lot worse and so I am so thankful for what I have, what he is providing me, what he is creating in me. I am so thankful for my life even though I don't understand what is going on. I am so thankful.
Lord,
Please forgive me and my bad thoughts towards my husband. I am human and I have turned my eye away from you, if only for a moment. But now I have decided, determined to keep my eyes on you and not on this world and what it has to say. I put my turst in you. All my hopes and dreams are in your hands. Your will is perfect and so help me to accept it without question.
I pray for my husband. I place him in your hands. Keep him safe during this violent time in his life. I pray that you would remove those scales from his eyes. Let him see with a new set of eyes the destruction his actions are causing. Let him see the lies he has been believing. Let him see your love for him. Help him. Guide him back to you.
I pray that you would fully restore our marriage. Healed without scares. You can do anything and restoring our marraige falls perfectly into that category. Help me to trust him again. Help me to love him again. Help me to see that this person right now is not my husband that I know. Help me to see that his actions are not his own, but satin's. Help me to remember the soul of my husband and remember the truth about him.
Make me strong. Make me able to get through this and become who you want me to be. Give me wisdom. Help me to know what to do and what to say and when to do it and when to say it. Give me strength. Make me strong.
Amen.
At church yesterday, I felt convicted in a way that wasn't a mind blowing experience. It was just subtle. Quietly I felt God moving me back towards where I know I should be. Waiting and believing. Not giving up and not moving towards giving up, but towards having more faith in him. Believing in him and knowing that he can do anything.
This scripture was used at church yesterday and I knew it was for my husband:
Philippians 1:6
I am sure that the One who began a good work in you will carry it on until it is completed...
I know my husband knows what he is doing is wrong. I know that he feels it every minute of every day. I know that God began a work in him so long ago and he will complete it. My husband has a purpose in this world. I have a purpose in this world. I almost let him down by wanting to give up. I almost let me down by wanting to give up. But I am not giving up. I have decided to press on:
Philippians 3:14
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
On Friday, I felt so much hate for my husband. I was so mad at him I just couldn't take it! I wanted to file right then and there. I wanted to quit. I felt so weak and tired. I just wanted all of this to stop. I wanted it to be over with so I can fully move on with my life. But then once again I felt God reminding me of this:
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ's power can rest on me.
My life is so strange right now. My emotions are all over the board and at times it's so hard to just keep breathing. I have come to realize that my life isn't all that bad. Things could be a lot worse and so I am so thankful for what I have, what he is providing me, what he is creating in me. I am so thankful for my life even though I don't understand what is going on. I am so thankful.
Lord,
Please forgive me and my bad thoughts towards my husband. I am human and I have turned my eye away from you, if only for a moment. But now I have decided, determined to keep my eyes on you and not on this world and what it has to say. I put my turst in you. All my hopes and dreams are in your hands. Your will is perfect and so help me to accept it without question.
I pray for my husband. I place him in your hands. Keep him safe during this violent time in his life. I pray that you would remove those scales from his eyes. Let him see with a new set of eyes the destruction his actions are causing. Let him see the lies he has been believing. Let him see your love for him. Help him. Guide him back to you.
I pray that you would fully restore our marriage. Healed without scares. You can do anything and restoring our marraige falls perfectly into that category. Help me to trust him again. Help me to love him again. Help me to see that this person right now is not my husband that I know. Help me to see that his actions are not his own, but satin's. Help me to remember the soul of my husband and remember the truth about him.
Make me strong. Make me able to get through this and become who you want me to be. Give me wisdom. Help me to know what to do and what to say and when to do it and when to say it. Give me strength. Make me strong.
Amen.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Provider
I am starting to feel a little nervous about my financial situation. I took my dog to the vet last night and they wanted $300 for antibiotics and ear flushes and special dog food. Basically I went there and paid then $50 to tell me that my dog has allergies. DUH! I already knew that. I wanted some sort of relief from his itching, but it was too much money. I felt like such a bad mother walking out of there without any medication for him. I just can't afford it though. He is a healthy little guy though, but I just couldn't spend that money. I guess I just let him itch!?! This really made me mad at my husband. Here I am with my/our poor dog itching like crazy and I can't help him and my husband doesn't even know. He could probably care less. I am so thankful that I don't have any children right now. What if it were my little boy or girl who had allergies and needed skin tests and allergy medicine so that they wouldn't die! I am so thankful for that.
It made me feel a little scared. So many "what ifs" started running through my mind. I just really need to keep my budget on track and save as much money as I can. This is going to be hard, but it will build me up so much to know that I am living and doing things on my own. I don't need my husband, I want my husband.
God, please be my provider in every aspect of my life. I need you so much now and I can't do this without you. You provided me with a great apartment and I am trusting you to help me meet all of my bills and to have some in the mean time. Please help me! Jesus I need you so much right now. Please get me through this daily nightmare that I am living!! Be my provider, be the head of my house. Help me to keep pushing through these dark times. Help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Give me strength and wisdom. Help me to hear your voice....
Amen
This is what God can do. It's amazing...
Job 38 22-30
"Have you ever traveled to where snow is made,
seen the vault where hail is stockpiled,
The arsenals of hail and snow that I keep in readiness
for times of trouble and battle and war?
Can you find your way to where lightning is launched,
or to the place from which the wind blows?
Who do you suppose carves canyons
for the downpours of rain, and charts
the route of thunderstorms
That bring water to unvisited fields,
deserts no one ever lays eyes on,
Drenching the useless wastelands
so they're carpeted with wildflowers and grass?
And who do you think is the father of rain and dew,
the mother of ice and frost?
You don't for a minute imagine
these marvels of weather just happen, do you?
It made me feel a little scared. So many "what ifs" started running through my mind. I just really need to keep my budget on track and save as much money as I can. This is going to be hard, but it will build me up so much to know that I am living and doing things on my own. I don't need my husband, I want my husband.
God, please be my provider in every aspect of my life. I need you so much now and I can't do this without you. You provided me with a great apartment and I am trusting you to help me meet all of my bills and to have some in the mean time. Please help me! Jesus I need you so much right now. Please get me through this daily nightmare that I am living!! Be my provider, be the head of my house. Help me to keep pushing through these dark times. Help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Give me strength and wisdom. Help me to hear your voice....
Amen
This is what God can do. It's amazing...
Job 38 22-30
"Have you ever traveled to where snow is made,
seen the vault where hail is stockpiled,
The arsenals of hail and snow that I keep in readiness
for times of trouble and battle and war?
Can you find your way to where lightning is launched,
or to the place from which the wind blows?
Who do you suppose carves canyons
for the downpours of rain, and charts
the route of thunderstorms
That bring water to unvisited fields,
deserts no one ever lays eyes on,
Drenching the useless wastelands
so they're carpeted with wildflowers and grass?
And who do you think is the father of rain and dew,
the mother of ice and frost?
You don't for a minute imagine
these marvels of weather just happen, do you?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
My Words
I have been told that several people have read my blog. I have it posted on my Facebook page, but I honestly thought that no one would want to read my ramblings. I just blog to get out my emotions. It has been very good therapy and I have really been able to sort out some of my thoughts and feelings.
But since I have found out that people actually are reading my ramblings, I have started to second guess myself and if I should continue to post my inner most thoughts and feelings. I don't feel like I have been malicious or mean when talking about my husband and the events of the past weeks and months. I still love my husband very, very much. My heart breaks when I hear of his actions because I just feel like this is not him. This is not the husband I have known since the third grade. This is not the person I began dating as a sophomore. This is not the person I married. Why is he doing this?
Anyway, I came across this verse from Psalm 119:130
"When your words are made clear, they bring light.
They bring understanding to childish people."
I am not trying to put my husband on the butcher block every time I write something. You have to understand that my entire life was turned upside down and scattered to the wind on April 30. I was and still am completely devastated. I am continually searching for answers, but those answers have yet to be found. By writing and working through some of my deepest, darkest times I hope to gain some sort of clarity that I can possibly share with others either through my words or my ramblings. I know that there must be so many, many more women out there in the world who are in my exact shoes. Devastated, broken, hopeless. I know that when I come across a woman who has gone through this type of situation, I find a great comfort in knowing that I am not the only one. These feelings that I am feeling are normal, natural. But greatly undeserved.
I am struggling a great deal to not become a shell of my former self. To my family I am their "Sunshine Girl" and I refuse to let this situation steal that away from me. I gave my husband everything I had. But the good thing about it is that even though I gave him so much of myself, I am still me and I have so much more to offer. My love, my passion, my money, my self. I may not be able to physically take it back, but I realize that even though I gave so much to him I still have more to give to others. It's never ending. I can pour out my love and my time and my dedication onto anyone I choose. I just didn't give it to him and now it's all gone. I have a never ending supply of myself. The question is though, is it the same person as before? Or can it be a better, more full filled version of myself than I could ever realize? I can be more, if I choose to be more.
If I let this situation get the better of me and just sink into myself and bathe in the sadness what good am I? God doesn't want that. He loves me and wants me to conquer this and all of the sadness that Satin wants to lay on me. He wants me to shine. He wants me to be his Sunshine Girl and show people that life can be tough, but you can be tougher and you can conquer your situation with Him. But the first step is that you have to choose for yourself what road you are going to take. I have chosen to raise above this and to learn and grow from all of this crap! I count my blessings, because things could be so much worse than they are. It's not easy. No! No! No! I struggle every single minute of every single day, but I am and will continue to gain strength and tell the world what God has done for me.
So, any who reads my blog, I pray that you see God's love and grace through my words. I hope you can find some sort of encouragement from my life's struggles. I am an open book and I will not lie to you. Things have been tough and there is a very, very long road ahead of me, but I am getting through day by day. I don't know what the future holds. It's all in Gods' hands and I pray that His will be done in my life.
But since I have found out that people actually are reading my ramblings, I have started to second guess myself and if I should continue to post my inner most thoughts and feelings. I don't feel like I have been malicious or mean when talking about my husband and the events of the past weeks and months. I still love my husband very, very much. My heart breaks when I hear of his actions because I just feel like this is not him. This is not the husband I have known since the third grade. This is not the person I began dating as a sophomore. This is not the person I married. Why is he doing this?
Anyway, I came across this verse from Psalm 119:130
"When your words are made clear, they bring light.
They bring understanding to childish people."
I am not trying to put my husband on the butcher block every time I write something. You have to understand that my entire life was turned upside down and scattered to the wind on April 30. I was and still am completely devastated. I am continually searching for answers, but those answers have yet to be found. By writing and working through some of my deepest, darkest times I hope to gain some sort of clarity that I can possibly share with others either through my words or my ramblings. I know that there must be so many, many more women out there in the world who are in my exact shoes. Devastated, broken, hopeless. I know that when I come across a woman who has gone through this type of situation, I find a great comfort in knowing that I am not the only one. These feelings that I am feeling are normal, natural. But greatly undeserved.
I am struggling a great deal to not become a shell of my former self. To my family I am their "Sunshine Girl" and I refuse to let this situation steal that away from me. I gave my husband everything I had. But the good thing about it is that even though I gave him so much of myself, I am still me and I have so much more to offer. My love, my passion, my money, my self. I may not be able to physically take it back, but I realize that even though I gave so much to him I still have more to give to others. It's never ending. I can pour out my love and my time and my dedication onto anyone I choose. I just didn't give it to him and now it's all gone. I have a never ending supply of myself. The question is though, is it the same person as before? Or can it be a better, more full filled version of myself than I could ever realize? I can be more, if I choose to be more.
If I let this situation get the better of me and just sink into myself and bathe in the sadness what good am I? God doesn't want that. He loves me and wants me to conquer this and all of the sadness that Satin wants to lay on me. He wants me to shine. He wants me to be his Sunshine Girl and show people that life can be tough, but you can be tougher and you can conquer your situation with Him. But the first step is that you have to choose for yourself what road you are going to take. I have chosen to raise above this and to learn and grow from all of this crap! I count my blessings, because things could be so much worse than they are. It's not easy. No! No! No! I struggle every single minute of every single day, but I am and will continue to gain strength and tell the world what God has done for me.
So, any who reads my blog, I pray that you see God's love and grace through my words. I hope you can find some sort of encouragement from my life's struggles. I am an open book and I will not lie to you. Things have been tough and there is a very, very long road ahead of me, but I am getting through day by day. I don't know what the future holds. It's all in Gods' hands and I pray that His will be done in my life.
Does He Realize?
You know, there have been several people who have talked to my husband in the recent months and they all have told me that he had nothing bad to say about me. Nothing. They tell me that he says I was a good wife, he is not mad at me and that he likes me as a person. I am sorry, but what does that mean? What? I was going over and over this in my head and what I think that there is a lot to be said about his comments.
I really don't think he understands what exactly he is doing and I don't think he realizes that we are still married. He doesn't realize the magnitude of his actions and the impact it is having on me as his wife and as a woman. His actions are forever embedded in me. I sort of get this feeling that if he continues to "like" me as a person and says nice things about me it justifies his actions in some weird way. "She was a good wife, but now I found my true soul mate."
The second thing these comments lead me to think is that he doesn't really know why he is doing this. There is not one solid piece of evidence for him to turn and point to and say "That. Right there. That is why I left you. You did X, Y and Z and that is why I just couldn't bare to continue my life with you." Do you know how frustrating that is? He can not point out one thing that I did that really lead to all of this. I would so much rather him be furious with me about something, because then I would know exactly what I did. But there is nothing. I did nothing wrong. I am not saying I am perfect, but if he continues to tell people that I was a good wife and that I am a nice person does he think that makes up for his actions? I hardly think so. This aspect really messes with me. If I am a good wife and a good person, then why wouldn't you want to be with me?
Another thing I am personally interpreting from these comments is that he feels so incredibly guilty that he has done this that if we could possibly remain friends then everything will all even it's self out. He doesn't want to burn any bridges between him and I just in case. News flash! The bridges between he and I are already charred remains of what once was. There is a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done before he could even come back. He is the one who has to start the repairs though.
Today it has been 7 weeks since I last saw or spoke to him. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger. It gets easier to get out of bed. I always wake up and pray "God, I need you today. Please get me through another day." And he does. I now have my very own apartment and I am slowly getting used to it. I don't really like being there alone to much, but I am settling in and it's a nice feeling. I can afford it and all of my bills on my own paycheck and that makes me feel strong in itself. I can stand on my own two feet as an adult and even though I love being married and having my husband around, I am slowly realizing that I don't need him to survive. I can do it, by God's grace, I can do it.
I really don't think he understands what exactly he is doing and I don't think he realizes that we are still married. He doesn't realize the magnitude of his actions and the impact it is having on me as his wife and as a woman. His actions are forever embedded in me. I sort of get this feeling that if he continues to "like" me as a person and says nice things about me it justifies his actions in some weird way. "She was a good wife, but now I found my true soul mate."
The second thing these comments lead me to think is that he doesn't really know why he is doing this. There is not one solid piece of evidence for him to turn and point to and say "That. Right there. That is why I left you. You did X, Y and Z and that is why I just couldn't bare to continue my life with you." Do you know how frustrating that is? He can not point out one thing that I did that really lead to all of this. I would so much rather him be furious with me about something, because then I would know exactly what I did. But there is nothing. I did nothing wrong. I am not saying I am perfect, but if he continues to tell people that I was a good wife and that I am a nice person does he think that makes up for his actions? I hardly think so. This aspect really messes with me. If I am a good wife and a good person, then why wouldn't you want to be with me?
Another thing I am personally interpreting from these comments is that he feels so incredibly guilty that he has done this that if we could possibly remain friends then everything will all even it's self out. He doesn't want to burn any bridges between him and I just in case. News flash! The bridges between he and I are already charred remains of what once was. There is a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done before he could even come back. He is the one who has to start the repairs though.
Today it has been 7 weeks since I last saw or spoke to him. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger. It gets easier to get out of bed. I always wake up and pray "God, I need you today. Please get me through another day." And he does. I now have my very own apartment and I am slowly getting used to it. I don't really like being there alone to much, but I am settling in and it's a nice feeling. I can afford it and all of my bills on my own paycheck and that makes me feel strong in itself. I can stand on my own two feet as an adult and even though I love being married and having my husband around, I am slowly realizing that I don't need him to survive. I can do it, by God's grace, I can do it.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Who Am I?
In the recent months, I have been forced to do some incredibly deep soul searching and over the weekend I was assessing what I have discovered about myself.
Who Am I?
I am Bethany. I am simple, low-key, hates to be the center of attention type of person. I like to watch movies with a bowl of popcorn on Saturday nights rather than getting all done up and going out to clubs. I hate beer. I hate drinking. I like to organize and to be organized. I like to workout, but only under my own ambitions and will. I love my family and cherish ever minute with them. I am a dedicated, hard worker. I don't procrastinate. I would rather have 2 or 3 really close friends rather than having 50 or 60 so-so friends. I hate peanut butter. I love Oreos. I love to cook, even though I am not very good at it. I have dreams, but they don't overwhelm my everyday life that if I don't accomplish them, I know I have still lead a good and satisfying life. Some may call me a prude, but I am just very conservative in many aspects of my life. I would rather be early to anything. Being late makes my heart race and feel apprehensive. I am an in control type. Don't read it as "controlling" though. I mean that I try to remain in control of myself and my actions. I need structure and routine. I love the ocean and it's salty smell. I love animals. I want to help people. I don't really like children, but I do want a family. I work hard not to fail. I am not a perfectionist, but I try hard to do my very best. I am a worrier (which I am working on on a daily basis to overcome.) I enjoy cookouts and the smell of the grill. I like everyone to be happy. I like peace within a family unit. I like to take naps. I like to walk my dog. I hate cigarette smoke, but I love the smell of pipe tobacco. I want to live in Paris. I try to look at the glass half full. I am not the spontaneous, adventurous type. Like I said before, I like structure and organization. I am level headed. I am independent, but I like knowing that there are some people out there I can really rely on when I need them. I am not exceptionally girly, but am very feminine. I love to laugh - it's the best medicine for the soul. I am not a huge jewelry person - I would rather have a closet full of clothes. I don't feel that I am money hungry. Having all of the bills paid and food on the table is good enough for me. (Plus, I am working on getting out of debt. Go Dave Ramsey!) I love my God. He can do anything. He is my provider and he will take care of me no matter what happens in my life. I am a hopeless romantic, only if my husband did leave me! I think I might have trust issues with men from now on (with good reason.) I would love to have many dinner parties with friends and family if only I could get my act together and plan some! I like art photography and shooting whatever catches my eye. I try not to be bitchy, whiny or naggy. That type of person is no fun to be around. I really just try to go with the flow, but it isn't always easy. I hate board and card games. I love football. I am not a night person. I get very sleepy and have to go to bed at around 10pm.
Bottom line, I feel that I am a fairly simple person who is easy to please. I don't need lavish things. I am just trying to lead a good, respectable life, contribute to society and my family and have fun while doing it. I am not grandiose, showy or flashy. I am not overly sexual or flirtatious. I am a sweet girl who loves to smile. To my dad I am his "Sunshine Girl" and their for a minute, my husband almost stole that from me...
Who Am I?
I am Bethany. I am simple, low-key, hates to be the center of attention type of person. I like to watch movies with a bowl of popcorn on Saturday nights rather than getting all done up and going out to clubs. I hate beer. I hate drinking. I like to organize and to be organized. I like to workout, but only under my own ambitions and will. I love my family and cherish ever minute with them. I am a dedicated, hard worker. I don't procrastinate. I would rather have 2 or 3 really close friends rather than having 50 or 60 so-so friends. I hate peanut butter. I love Oreos. I love to cook, even though I am not very good at it. I have dreams, but they don't overwhelm my everyday life that if I don't accomplish them, I know I have still lead a good and satisfying life. Some may call me a prude, but I am just very conservative in many aspects of my life. I would rather be early to anything. Being late makes my heart race and feel apprehensive. I am an in control type. Don't read it as "controlling" though. I mean that I try to remain in control of myself and my actions. I need structure and routine. I love the ocean and it's salty smell. I love animals. I want to help people. I don't really like children, but I do want a family. I work hard not to fail. I am not a perfectionist, but I try hard to do my very best. I am a worrier (which I am working on on a daily basis to overcome.) I enjoy cookouts and the smell of the grill. I like everyone to be happy. I like peace within a family unit. I like to take naps. I like to walk my dog. I hate cigarette smoke, but I love the smell of pipe tobacco. I want to live in Paris. I try to look at the glass half full. I am not the spontaneous, adventurous type. Like I said before, I like structure and organization. I am level headed. I am independent, but I like knowing that there are some people out there I can really rely on when I need them. I am not exceptionally girly, but am very feminine. I love to laugh - it's the best medicine for the soul. I am not a huge jewelry person - I would rather have a closet full of clothes. I don't feel that I am money hungry. Having all of the bills paid and food on the table is good enough for me. (Plus, I am working on getting out of debt. Go Dave Ramsey!) I love my God. He can do anything. He is my provider and he will take care of me no matter what happens in my life. I am a hopeless romantic, only if my husband did leave me! I think I might have trust issues with men from now on (with good reason.) I would love to have many dinner parties with friends and family if only I could get my act together and plan some! I like art photography and shooting whatever catches my eye. I try not to be bitchy, whiny or naggy. That type of person is no fun to be around. I really just try to go with the flow, but it isn't always easy. I hate board and card games. I love football. I am not a night person. I get very sleepy and have to go to bed at around 10pm.
Bottom line, I feel that I am a fairly simple person who is easy to please. I don't need lavish things. I am just trying to lead a good, respectable life, contribute to society and my family and have fun while doing it. I am not grandiose, showy or flashy. I am not overly sexual or flirtatious. I am a sweet girl who loves to smile. To my dad I am his "Sunshine Girl" and their for a minute, my husband almost stole that from me...
Friday, August 1, 2008
All Over the Place
Ugh... my emotions are all over the place today. First I want my marriage, then I want to forgive my husband and now I just don't care what happens. I'm tired! What is the deal with me today? I just can't seem to settle down.
I am really hating this and my husband for putting me through all of this. Leaving me alone with our dog! What if something were to happen to me? How would that make him feel?
I just want off of this rollercoaster. I want to forget all that has happened and just feel and be free...
I am really hating this and my husband for putting me through all of this. Leaving me alone with our dog! What if something were to happen to me? How would that make him feel?
I just want off of this rollercoaster. I want to forget all that has happened and just feel and be free...
Someone I'm Not
Why can't people just accept me for who I am? Why can't they accept me for what I like and what I don't like? Why do I feel like I have to change me so that others will like me? Why can't I just do what I like to do and what I feel comfortable with without feeling pressure to do something I don't enjoy or I don't want to do (ie drinking, staying out late, karaoke)?
This is one thing that really bothers me about what my husband is doing. For 10 years he accepted me for me, didn't pressure me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with and, I thought, truly accepted me for who I am and all of my likes, dislikes, quirks, ambitions, opinions and more. He liked me for me and never made me feel like I needed to change or do anything differently in our marriage. In fact, he never complained! He always said that I was a great wife and that he loved me so much and that he was lucky to have me. He never once expressed any discontent with me or our marriage. How can someone do that to a person? It's like he was leading me through a mine field, blind-folded. Good luck! I hope you don't step on a mine and blow our entire marriage, relationship and history out of the water.
I feel so lied to. So rejected. So unaccepted by the one person who longs to be accepted by everyone. My husband is such a people person and wants everyone to like him and accept him and love him. He is "the life of the party" and needs to be accepted by everyone around him. He had it rough going through school. He wasn't popular, wasn't really accepted by everyone until later in our high school career. He slowly started becoming more outgoing and had a great sense of humor. He could make anyone laugh - especially me. He needed and wanted to be accepted by everyone around him. And now look what he has done. He has totally rejected the one person who really accepted him first. I accepted him for who he was and loved him from the very start. I would never, ever want to change him. He is everything I am not and I loved that about him. Why would he want me to be exactly like him? I understand the need to participate in the same activities and have common interests, but he has made me feel like I need to change my entire personality and character to match his.
I don't want to change who I am! I like me and I am comfortable in my skin. I have always had fairly good self-confidence and I have always been sure of who I am. I know I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be perfect, but I like who I am. I like being the steady, responsible type who has a clear path of what needs to be accomplished and how to get there. I am a planner, list maker, goal setter. I know there are a certain amount of steps that need to be taken to reach a certain goal and I work the plan. What is so wrong with that!?!? God made me and he likes what he has made. He loves me. Why can't my husband and others just accept that? I don't want to go out and get drunk! I don't want to have to hale a cab because I can't drive! I don't want to grind on a stranger on the dance floor! I do have hopes and dreams, goals and ambitions! Just because they don't fit exactly what you want, doesn't mean it's right or wrong, good or bad. It's just me. It's what I want. It's what I like!
When I was younger, I had this t-shirt that had turtles on it. There were about 4 rows of 4 turtles. They were just drawn on, not real pictures of turtles. But each of the turtle's shells were wildly different. They were brightly colored, with different patterns on each shell. At the bottom the caption said: "Conformity is Boring." I really loved that shirt. I felt like it was me. I never really wanted to copy others style or look. I liked being different and not wearing the latest and greatest jeans or shoes. (Which was a good thing because my family was pretty broke and we never had a whole lot of money to spend on cloths.)
I have so many, many questions and I just don't know my right from my left. Where do I begin? Where do I end? What do I say? What the hell is going on?!?
This is one thing that really bothers me about what my husband is doing. For 10 years he accepted me for me, didn't pressure me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with and, I thought, truly accepted me for who I am and all of my likes, dislikes, quirks, ambitions, opinions and more. He liked me for me and never made me feel like I needed to change or do anything differently in our marriage. In fact, he never complained! He always said that I was a great wife and that he loved me so much and that he was lucky to have me. He never once expressed any discontent with me or our marriage. How can someone do that to a person? It's like he was leading me through a mine field, blind-folded. Good luck! I hope you don't step on a mine and blow our entire marriage, relationship and history out of the water.
I feel so lied to. So rejected. So unaccepted by the one person who longs to be accepted by everyone. My husband is such a people person and wants everyone to like him and accept him and love him. He is "the life of the party" and needs to be accepted by everyone around him. He had it rough going through school. He wasn't popular, wasn't really accepted by everyone until later in our high school career. He slowly started becoming more outgoing and had a great sense of humor. He could make anyone laugh - especially me. He needed and wanted to be accepted by everyone around him. And now look what he has done. He has totally rejected the one person who really accepted him first. I accepted him for who he was and loved him from the very start. I would never, ever want to change him. He is everything I am not and I loved that about him. Why would he want me to be exactly like him? I understand the need to participate in the same activities and have common interests, but he has made me feel like I need to change my entire personality and character to match his.
I don't want to change who I am! I like me and I am comfortable in my skin. I have always had fairly good self-confidence and I have always been sure of who I am. I know I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be perfect, but I like who I am. I like being the steady, responsible type who has a clear path of what needs to be accomplished and how to get there. I am a planner, list maker, goal setter. I know there are a certain amount of steps that need to be taken to reach a certain goal and I work the plan. What is so wrong with that!?!? God made me and he likes what he has made. He loves me. Why can't my husband and others just accept that? I don't want to go out and get drunk! I don't want to have to hale a cab because I can't drive! I don't want to grind on a stranger on the dance floor! I do have hopes and dreams, goals and ambitions! Just because they don't fit exactly what you want, doesn't mean it's right or wrong, good or bad. It's just me. It's what I want. It's what I like!
When I was younger, I had this t-shirt that had turtles on it. There were about 4 rows of 4 turtles. They were just drawn on, not real pictures of turtles. But each of the turtle's shells were wildly different. They were brightly colored, with different patterns on each shell. At the bottom the caption said: "Conformity is Boring." I really loved that shirt. I felt like it was me. I never really wanted to copy others style or look. I liked being different and not wearing the latest and greatest jeans or shoes. (Which was a good thing because my family was pretty broke and we never had a whole lot of money to spend on cloths.)
I have so many, many questions and I just don't know my right from my left. Where do I begin? Where do I end? What do I say? What the hell is going on?!?
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