At times during this trial I think, "What in the world am I supposed to learn from all of this I am going through?" But in reflection, there is so much to learn that it is overwhelming to think about. Here are just a few things that I am learn, changing and growing from through out this nightmare. But at the end of this nightmare I hope to wake up and feel as if this was all a bad dream that it will quickly fade into a distant memory.
- Hunger and longing for God
- What are my goals and dreams for my life, not my husbands
- What I like about myself that I should never have to change for anyone
- How to be a better friend, sister, daughter and wife
- How men think and what they really want
- That I was a good wife and it doesn't matter it my husband didn't think so, me and God know
- Just how much inner strength I really do have
- What I want out of life and what is really important to me
On that thought, how dare my husband make me feel like drinking, partying and stay up to all hours of the morning should be acceptable in our marriage! Why should I accept that behavior and allow it in my house?!? How dare he make me start to rethink my morals and values just to fit his immature behavior! If I don't stand for something, I will fall for anything just like he did. This makes me very angry! What is important to me is my faith, family, job and financial security. I am thankful that I have matured to a point where I can be a functioning adult in society verse a wanna be hippie/partier like he and his "girlfriend." How immature...
So, sorry for the diversion of thought. I guess maybe that is my biggest lesson in all of this. If I don't stand for something, I will fall for anything. I know that I wasn't a bad wife. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was good to him. I did so much for him and he knows that I was a very giving person. I supported him through so many personal and professional issues. I made him breakfast and coffee at 3am before work. I had dinner ready when we got home. I balanced the checkbook and paid the bills. I arranged everything every time we moved. I wrote his resume. I encouraged him to think bigger and better for his career. I cleaned house. I walked the dog. I grocery shopped. I loved him when he wanted and needed it. I forgave him during one of the darkest times of his life (not this situation, but a previous bad time.) I didn't nag him or make him feel less than a man. I wanted him to have fun and encouraged it often. I know I did so much for him and just how does he repay me for my full and loving devotion to him? HE CHEATS ON ME!!! 10 years of heartache, strife, fun times, laughter, sad times, financial hardships... so much. And this is how he repays me?
I don't deserve this... I am not the bad person. I am not the enemy. I am not saying that I am perfect, but who on this earth is? No one. He won't find perfection in me and he won't find perfection in his "girlfriend" either! I really, truly don't deserve this and I am not sure what I am going to do about...
*pray*
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