New Wineskins

So it's no secret that my emotions are pretty raw and just about anything can trigger an all day crying fest. Yesterday was one of those days. It was just the littlest thing that set me off early in the day and the water works would not stop. I really thought that I was getting things under control. I had an entire week of good feelings and slight happiness. I guess nothing lasts forever. I really hate those days. I get so exhausted and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are just so overwhelming I can barely function. I could just sit, stare and cry for hours. But I have a job that really doesn't allow me much privacy so I try my hardest to get it under control. Sometimes it works, other times I think everyone in the office can hear my sobs. Oh well...

Last night I was at my sister's house by myself and I just had to get out of there and go see somebody. I called my mom and went over to visit her and my dad. I can't imagine how they feel see their daughter so distraught and overcome by tears. They just let me cry and listen to my fears and worries. I know and they know that there is nothing to be done at the moment. They just encourage me to hang on. They tell me repeatedly that I am doing the right thing by waiting and staying poised. They tell me how proud of me they are, but I feel like "What's there to be proud of?" I am just living and doing the best I know how without completely and totally falling apart and becoming depressed and living in my bedroom with the shades drawn. Believe me, that could be done and there have been days where it would just be easier to close out the world, drink an entire bottle of Vodka and sleep for hours. (I have yet to do that, but the thought has crossed my mind.) I am trying so, so, so hard to keep my head above water and try to function like a normal person. I am quite surprised that I haven't died from a broken heart yet. Sometimes I can actually feel my heart ache.

Anyway, I talkedwith my parents for a few hours and my dad began talking about this scripture:

Matthew 9:1717 "People don't pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst. The wine will run out, and the wineskins will be destroyed. No, everyone pours new wine into new wineskins. Then both are saved."

He talked about how when my husband does come back, we will truly have to start over. Our entire relationship must begin again. Courting, dating, talking, etc. We have to pour our efforts into a new relationship. If we try to go back to the old and talk about what it used to be like and go back to our old habits, then things would not be mended and we would break again.

My mom also starting talking to me about how I am in a period where God is working on me to make me stronger and ready to take on both my emotions when he returns as well as his baggage that he is carrying around. I remember very early on I was sitting in on my couch at my old apartment and God impressed on my heart that he is getting me ready for my husband's return home. I had forgotten about that thought until my mom started talking about that exact point last night. Now, I see that my focus needs to also be on myself during this time. I can't rush this process. If I am not emotional, physically and spiritually ready for my husband to come home, then things will not get better. I have toe strong enough to hear, see and talk about thing with my husband in order to repair and restore our marriage. I feel like God has put me in this exact position because he knew I could handle my husband and this situation. I don't feel like I can handle it. I feel like I am breaking down more and more each day, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

Another area me and my mom talked about was the fact that I am now the head of the house and the spiritual power that comes along with that position. My husband is out in the world somewhere so far from God and here I am standing, praying and waiting.

I was just reminded of this verse:

Philippians 3:14 "I move on toward the goal to win the prize. God has appointed me to win it."

When I get tired, I need to continue to press on. Press on towards my husband and my restored marriage. I may get tired, but that is when I just need to bare down and keep going no matter how hard the wind may be blowing or how hard the rain comes. Keep pressing on...