Choices

You know, I was thinking today about my life and where I have been and where I am going. So many things are uncertain right now and it is unsettling, but exciting at the same time. Scary, but interesting.

As a culture we are inundated with movies, TV shows, reality TV, game shows, commercial, infomercials, music videos and so much more. Night after night many Americans plop themselves down on the couch and immerse themselves into a life that is not their own. A world that can be rewound, fast forwarded, paused, recorded over and stopped all with a push of a button. What I have come to sadly realize is that true, real life doesn't follow the rules of the entertainment world. I can't push the pause button on any thing that is going on in my life. I would like to, but I can't. Now, I know you thinking "Well, duh stupid!" But really, think about it. We have one chance and nothing can be rewound or fast forwarded or even recorded over. The choices my husband has made and is currently making are going to follow him wherever he goes. No matter how much he drinks or ignores it, these choices will always be there staring at him in the face. Failure, distrust, irresponsibility, immaturity and a complete lack of respect for me and our marriage. I don't care if he says that he is "Done" over and over and over. That is not a get out of jail free card. You just don't wave "I'm done" and everything in your life and all your choices disappear.

We live vicariously through characters in a TV show or movie. We can live in the roaring 20's, be a fighter pilot in Vietnam or be a rich debutant in the south. But that is not my life. That is fiction and sure it looks nice and fun, but once I turn off that TV and get back to my life and where I am going and what I am doing, I get one chance. I can't flip the channel to a different life because I am unhappy with my current life.

Choices. They are all around us. What will I wear today? What will I eat for lunch? What shirt should I buy? Sure, some of these seem simple enough, but then there are very large, life altering choices that can completely change the path you are on. My husband, unfortunately has made some very bad, servery life altering choices. He still has a chance to possibly get back on the right path of his life that can lead to a very rewarding, guilt-free life. Or he can choose the alternative path that he is currently on and stay on that path for the remainder of his life. Sure, he thinks he has everything figured out and that he is making the choices he wants to make and doing what he wants to do. But sooner or later, the light will turn on in his dark, dark world and he will see the mess that he has made of his life. He will see just how much his actions has destroyed. He will see the fallout and it will be more than me his actions have affected. Many, many people have already been touched by his selfish actions and if he continues to do so many more will inevitably be affected.

My life, his life, every one's life isn't a movie. We get one chance. We get one chance to choose to do good or choose to do bad. And then there are the consequences if we choose to do bad. What do those consequences look like? I don't know. I don't know what they will look like for my husband, but if he decides to wake up and look at what is going on, I pray that it isn't too late for him.

I don't know what much longer I will wait. It maybe 2 months it maybe 2 years. I just don't know at this time. But time is ticking and his clock is running out with me, my love and my emotions. I will hold on as long as I can possibly stand. I pray everyday for strength and courage to face another day, but I just honestly don't know how much longer I can or will wait. I am ready to start healing and I am ready to move on from the torture I have experienced over the last 3 months. If it is with my husband, great! I want my marriage restored and the love of my life back. But I can't ignore the damage that has been done. The hurt and rejection that no one should ever feel from one that they have loved so dearly and would do anything for.

I can see my life as a balanced teeter totter. If a little weight is put on one side or the other, it will become unbalanced. But the question is, which way will the weight fall? Toward my husband or away from my husband. I just don't know...