A Long Way

Day 63... and I know I have come a long way since April 30. The month of May was just a total train wreck and it felt like it just dragged on and on. I was just trying to grasp what was going on in my life. I felt so incredibly surreal. I describe it as if my life were a huge bowl of potato salad that was now turned upside down on the pavement and I was scrambling to scoop everything back up and get it back into the bowl. It didn't work.

The first two weeks of June were less chaotic. Things had settled in my mind and I understood the realty of what my husband was doing. Those first days of June, I tried to communicate with him. I tried to reason and apologize, but he was not willing at accept or even hear what I had to say. His answer was just no. Not "maybe". Not "what if". Just no. I am done and that is that. How can you give up 10 years of hard work, love, care and happiness in a blink of an eye? I don't know. That is when I started to get mad. I wrote him 3 letters. Two nice and one angry. I am glad that I only read the angry one to him over the phone. I didn't e-mail it to him and I think that was a good thing. He has continually said that I am a good person. He cares for me and wants to be my friend. WTF?

By the third week of June, I started to realize that I need to take action. He was stomping all over my heart and my emotions. He would come and go from our apartment taking things he felt were his in the process. I could see where he was spending our money and his actions were really starting to affect my work and the quality I was producing. If I lost my job, then where would I be? I got incredibly angry at him for this fact. His lack of understanding and inconsiderate actions were affecting me in ways I could never anticipate. I had to take action and fast. That was on June 14. By June 18 I had separated all of our bills, refinanced my car and moved out of our apartment. That was a very liberating day. I felt I finally had gain some control over my life again.

When this all started I felt like my husband was a the slippery, wet bar of soap that I had squeezed a little too hard in the shower and now that bar of soap was sliding all around the bathtub and I just had to wait for it to settle down before I could pick it up again. I am still waiting for it to settle down, but in the mean time I have gotten out of the shower and have started to dry off, still waiting for the bar of soap to come to rest.

So in the 2 weeks after moving out of our apartment, I have totally given my husband to God and said "Here, you deal with him. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore." And I have found an incredible peace in that. I commit my husband into God's hands each morning and numerous times throughout the day and I know my God will take car of the situation.

I have been able to gain a lot of my concentration back at work and I am really enjoying the time with m family and friends. I am busy almost every night with dinner or shopping or counseling or boating. I love it! Of course I miss my husband dearly and there isn't a moment that goes by when I am not thinking about him or praying for him. But right now I have to do things for myself and that is a foreign feeling to me. I am so used to taking care of him and trying to make him happy, but now it's my turn. I feel guilty about it at times, but I know that is silly. If I don't look out for myself, then who will (besides God)?

I always wonder "Is today going to be the day that he calls me asking to reconcile?" I hate it that I think that, but at the same time it is comforting. What if today is the day? What if it is tomorrow? What if it's this weekend? My sister put it this way: Each day you get through, it's a day closer to reconciling with him. That is a good way to look at it. I should have an expectant spirit. Come to God with an expectant spirit of what he is going to do. Expect God to move mightily on my behalf in my marriage.

Anyway, I have come a long way since that very first day. In fact, since I have been forced to review myself and look at who Bethany is and what might be in my heart that God wants to purge, I found a few things. First and foremost, worry. I am working on that. It isn't an overnight change, but the more I trust God, the less I worry about my husband. Worry isn't a fruit of the spirit. Galations 5:22-23 says this: "But the fruit the Holy Spirit produces is love, joy and peace. It is being patient, kind and good. It is being faithful and gentle and having control of oneself. There is no law against things of that kind." Peace! I want peace and not worry. Embrace that God is in control and that His way is perfect. I can't do anything by worrying. It adds nothing to my life and it doesn't change anything.

The second thing that God is dealing with me is getting back in touch with an old best friend. God is so amazing. I finally relented and tried to contact her on Facebook. I sent her a message to see if she would be open to reconnecting. Her family is very close to my husband's family and for sometime now there has been tension between her and I. Ok, God. I will try to get in touch with her. You know what? She called me yesterday not even realizing that I was try to get into contact with her! God is amazing! So tonight we are having dinner together and I am actually looking forward to it. Because I submitted to God's calling, He really orchestrated the whole thing!

So, as you can see I have come a long way. I talked to my mom last night and she said that to me and after looking at the big picture, it's really true. To think that I would have the strength to carry on with my life and really not give up on God is the true work of the Holy Spirit. He has given me peace, joy and strength through this huge storm of life and I am very thankful for that. I do have my good moments and bad moments, but as each day passes that good moments are more frequent. I would have never, ever thought that I would be meeting my old friend again. Even three weeks ago, that thought would have never of crossed my mind. God is up to something and I am excited to see what he has in store.

The future is still very uncertain. I don't know what the next minute will bring, but if I continue to lay my life and my husband's life at his feet, then we can't lose. I don't know God's timing, but I pray that I would continue to make progress in myself and in my relationship with him. For a long time I was stagnant and where there is stagnant water, there is no life. Now, I feel that I am becoming this quaint bubbling brook with the clearest, freshest water flowing through it.

What will God do next? I wonder...