Another Day

Why God? Why?
When God? When?
Just another day of feeling a little shaky and scared about what the future holds. I am doing my best. I did move into a new apartment on Sunday and I am very happy to have it. I spent last night there by myself and I am not really sure about the whole "single" living thing. I haven't ever had to live by myself and I know it will take some getting used to. I just want to be used to it now! Oh well... I really do love my new place though. It is in a great neighborhood and the apartment it's self is new, clean, nice and has a W/D! It really is a lovely apartment. I want to paint, but I need to choose colors and exactly what to paint. It will be nice to call it "home." I have felt sort of homeless over the past 6 weeks and I now have an address that is all mine. I haven't told my husband where I am living. I didn't even tell his parents for fear that they would spill the beans. It's kind of empowering to know that he doesn't know where I am. My cell number hasn't changed and neither has my e-mail address so he can get a hold of me it he wants to. It's been 6 weeks since I moved out of our old apartment and he hasn't contacted me once. He is a bad word that I won't say, but he is a very bad word!

I am just trying my best to hang in there and really, truly trust God and his plan. My new apartment was the third one I had planned to move into. The first two we ok apartments but neither of them worked out. I had set my mind that each one of the previous two apartments that I was going to move into and they were going to be my new place, but God! He had a plan and He provided me with an even greater apartment in an even greater location. After looking back, he really did provide me with more apartment than I had ever expected to have living on my own. I am so grateful! I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just look at what he has provided me... Wow, I really hadn't thought about that, but he really did bless me with a wonderfully new, clean and safe apartment that is very close to family and friends!

God is good!

Choices

You know, I was thinking today about my life and where I have been and where I am going. So many things are uncertain right now and it is unsettling, but exciting at the same time. Scary, but interesting.

As a culture we are inundated with movies, TV shows, reality TV, game shows, commercial, infomercials, music videos and so much more. Night after night many Americans plop themselves down on the couch and immerse themselves into a life that is not their own. A world that can be rewound, fast forwarded, paused, recorded over and stopped all with a push of a button. What I have come to sadly realize is that true, real life doesn't follow the rules of the entertainment world. I can't push the pause button on any thing that is going on in my life. I would like to, but I can't. Now, I know you thinking "Well, duh stupid!" But really, think about it. We have one chance and nothing can be rewound or fast forwarded or even recorded over. The choices my husband has made and is currently making are going to follow him wherever he goes. No matter how much he drinks or ignores it, these choices will always be there staring at him in the face. Failure, distrust, irresponsibility, immaturity and a complete lack of respect for me and our marriage. I don't care if he says that he is "Done" over and over and over. That is not a get out of jail free card. You just don't wave "I'm done" and everything in your life and all your choices disappear.

We live vicariously through characters in a TV show or movie. We can live in the roaring 20's, be a fighter pilot in Vietnam or be a rich debutant in the south. But that is not my life. That is fiction and sure it looks nice and fun, but once I turn off that TV and get back to my life and where I am going and what I am doing, I get one chance. I can't flip the channel to a different life because I am unhappy with my current life.

Choices. They are all around us. What will I wear today? What will I eat for lunch? What shirt should I buy? Sure, some of these seem simple enough, but then there are very large, life altering choices that can completely change the path you are on. My husband, unfortunately has made some very bad, servery life altering choices. He still has a chance to possibly get back on the right path of his life that can lead to a very rewarding, guilt-free life. Or he can choose the alternative path that he is currently on and stay on that path for the remainder of his life. Sure, he thinks he has everything figured out and that he is making the choices he wants to make and doing what he wants to do. But sooner or later, the light will turn on in his dark, dark world and he will see the mess that he has made of his life. He will see just how much his actions has destroyed. He will see the fallout and it will be more than me his actions have affected. Many, many people have already been touched by his selfish actions and if he continues to do so many more will inevitably be affected.

My life, his life, every one's life isn't a movie. We get one chance. We get one chance to choose to do good or choose to do bad. And then there are the consequences if we choose to do bad. What do those consequences look like? I don't know. I don't know what they will look like for my husband, but if he decides to wake up and look at what is going on, I pray that it isn't too late for him.

I don't know what much longer I will wait. It maybe 2 months it maybe 2 years. I just don't know at this time. But time is ticking and his clock is running out with me, my love and my emotions. I will hold on as long as I can possibly stand. I pray everyday for strength and courage to face another day, but I just honestly don't know how much longer I can or will wait. I am ready to start healing and I am ready to move on from the torture I have experienced over the last 3 months. If it is with my husband, great! I want my marriage restored and the love of my life back. But I can't ignore the damage that has been done. The hurt and rejection that no one should ever feel from one that they have loved so dearly and would do anything for.

I can see my life as a balanced teeter totter. If a little weight is put on one side or the other, it will become unbalanced. But the question is, which way will the weight fall? Toward my husband or away from my husband. I just don't know...

Strength from Weakness

When I have my "bad days" I feel so incredibly weak and feeble. I feel sick and achy and I just want to go home and sleep. It feels horrible. My entire body shakes and I cry so much that my eyes become cloudy. They sting from the many, many times I wipe away my tears. My mascara runs and by the time I pull myself together there isn't a trace of make-up left. Why did I even bother? It really sucks!

I had an ok day yesterday. Nothing too good or too bad. Just ok, but I got through. I spent the evening again with my mom. We went to Goodwill. I need a dresser for my bedroom, but I am on a tight budget so I thought I might find something at Goodwill, but no.

On my way home I was sitting at a red light thinking about why I am me. Why am I here in this life as Bethany Lin Parker-Hardy born on April 13, 1982 at about 5:30pm in Muncie, Indiana? Why am I going through all of this? Why not someone else? I have been praying for strength and wisdom to get through this hell. I need to be strong enough so I don't just wither up and blow away. So I don't become a shell of my former self. And then I was reminded of this scripture:
2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me, "My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak."
So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ's power can rest on me.

I am so weak now and I just feel like if I were to be confronted with my husband I would just crumble. I need me, myself, Bethany Hardy to become a stronger person. I need strength to get through this. I need God to change me and my heart to become a better, stronger version of myself. I am who I am so that He can make me who he needs to be. Stronger, bolder, wiser. I am truly at one of life's lowest lows. The valley of all valleys. Why? Why me? Because in the weakness that Bethany Hardy has, His power is the greatest. It's the strongest.

What will come from all of this? What will come of all this growth, self-discovering, changing, hurting? I don't know the answer to that yet, but I need to rest in the idea that even though I am so weak and tired, He will show is power to me, my husband, my family and my friends. He will get the glory when all of this has passed.

Let the weak say I am strong.

New Wineskins

So it's no secret that my emotions are pretty raw and just about anything can trigger an all day crying fest. Yesterday was one of those days. It was just the littlest thing that set me off early in the day and the water works would not stop. I really thought that I was getting things under control. I had an entire week of good feelings and slight happiness. I guess nothing lasts forever. I really hate those days. I get so exhausted and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are just so overwhelming I can barely function. I could just sit, stare and cry for hours. But I have a job that really doesn't allow me much privacy so I try my hardest to get it under control. Sometimes it works, other times I think everyone in the office can hear my sobs. Oh well...

Last night I was at my sister's house by myself and I just had to get out of there and go see somebody. I called my mom and went over to visit her and my dad. I can't imagine how they feel see their daughter so distraught and overcome by tears. They just let me cry and listen to my fears and worries. I know and they know that there is nothing to be done at the moment. They just encourage me to hang on. They tell me repeatedly that I am doing the right thing by waiting and staying poised. They tell me how proud of me they are, but I feel like "What's there to be proud of?" I am just living and doing the best I know how without completely and totally falling apart and becoming depressed and living in my bedroom with the shades drawn. Believe me, that could be done and there have been days where it would just be easier to close out the world, drink an entire bottle of Vodka and sleep for hours. (I have yet to do that, but the thought has crossed my mind.) I am trying so, so, so hard to keep my head above water and try to function like a normal person. I am quite surprised that I haven't died from a broken heart yet. Sometimes I can actually feel my heart ache.

Anyway, I talkedwith my parents for a few hours and my dad began talking about this scripture:

Matthew 9:1717 "People don't pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst. The wine will run out, and the wineskins will be destroyed. No, everyone pours new wine into new wineskins. Then both are saved."

He talked about how when my husband does come back, we will truly have to start over. Our entire relationship must begin again. Courting, dating, talking, etc. We have to pour our efforts into a new relationship. If we try to go back to the old and talk about what it used to be like and go back to our old habits, then things would not be mended and we would break again.

My mom also starting talking to me about how I am in a period where God is working on me to make me stronger and ready to take on both my emotions when he returns as well as his baggage that he is carrying around. I remember very early on I was sitting in on my couch at my old apartment and God impressed on my heart that he is getting me ready for my husband's return home. I had forgotten about that thought until my mom started talking about that exact point last night. Now, I see that my focus needs to also be on myself during this time. I can't rush this process. If I am not emotional, physically and spiritually ready for my husband to come home, then things will not get better. I have toe strong enough to hear, see and talk about thing with my husband in order to repair and restore our marriage. I feel like God has put me in this exact position because he knew I could handle my husband and this situation. I don't feel like I can handle it. I feel like I am breaking down more and more each day, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

Another area me and my mom talked about was the fact that I am now the head of the house and the spiritual power that comes along with that position. My husband is out in the world somewhere so far from God and here I am standing, praying and waiting.

I was just reminded of this verse:

Philippians 3:14 "I move on toward the goal to win the prize. God has appointed me to win it."

When I get tired, I need to continue to press on. Press on towards my husband and my restored marriage. I may get tired, but that is when I just need to bare down and keep going no matter how hard the wind may be blowing or how hard the rain comes. Keep pressing on...

More of the Same

Feeling low and confused and tired today... I am so sick of this! I feel horrible and really unsure of what to do. I am really to the point of starting to research my options of divorce. I am too young and attractive to wait around for my husband who doesn't even want me! Am I crazy?!?!? I pray and pray and pray and pray and today it I feel so alone. What do I do?

And I wait some more...

Hating Life

I want off of this roller coaster!!! I am so sick of these emotional swings. I hate my husband. I love my husband. I am furious with my husband. I want to forgive my husband. UGH!!!! I just want all of this to end. Just the simple fact that I am going to see my father-in-law today so he can give me some mail from my husband has totally thrown me for a loop. Why? I don't know why! It just has! I am just ready to jump and land wherever I land...

I am not suicidal. Not in the least bit. I just want all of this to stop. I just know when I see my father-in-law it's just going to be more bad news. My husband is doing this or he's saying that. I just can't take it anymore! I just need to keep reminding myself that this is the person who made me feel worthless; a nobody. Why in the world would I want to continue in that relationship? Well, probably because I believe in my wedding vows and know that if given the chance or marriage can work and be wonderful.

I am trying so very hard to keep my head up and look beyond this. To see the possibility of my life without him and to see that I will survive. Honestly, this was my biggest fear. Losing my husband (in some way, shape or form) and having to live life without him. I guess I am doing that, but it's not easy. If he had a t least died, then I could really start moving forward with my life. I am just in limbo now. Why hasn't he filed for divorce? Why hasn't he contacted me asking me to file for divorce? I really hate my life right now...

Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you," announces the Lord. "I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come.

Getting Through

Each day that passes, it's a triumph that I didn't die that day from a shattered heart. I am living and can see more and more possibility in each day.

This weekend I get to move into my new apartment! I am so very excited about that. I want and need my own place. My sister and brother-in-law have been so helpful and understanding in allowing me to live with them over the past 5 weeks. I am so grateful for them. I am an adult though and I need to feel like an adult rather than a roommate. That was what college was for. Now I am 26 and even though I had always relied very heavily on my husband for love and support, I need to now rely on God and my own strength to get through this yuk.

I have decided to fast for another 3 days. I felt kind of distant from God last week and I need to seek his face diligently again and really see what is going in my life and what he wants to tell me.

God, I need you. I need you to take care of me and this situation. I can't do it myself. I trust you with my life, my marriage and my husband's life. I tired and I need you to take care of it.

Wow...

A few nights ago I received a phone call from a mutual friend of mine and my husbands. It was a nice surprise to get phone call from someone I wouldn't expect and we talked for over an hour about my husband and his ex-fiance. It was a nice conversation and he was a little flirtatious with me. Nothing too overblown or outspoken. Just slightly, but noticeable. I have to admit it was nice to be flirted with and the next morning I woke up feeling pretty good about myself and knowing the simple fact that someone could be interested enough in me to flirt with me.

As the day progressed, the confident feeling I had continued and for the first time in over 2 months I felt a little bit of happiness. Well, later that night I was praying and just talking to God as if he were my best girlfriend sitting right next to me. I started saying to God that my husband has made me feel so worthless and useless and that has had me very beat down. This thought started to make me very angry. How could anyone I love so much make me feel so low, like I wasn't even worth the effort to talk to? Since this revelation I have been feeling really, really good. Almost to the point where I could see moving on from my husband. (almost) But I have had such a huge confidence boost and realize that I am worth so much more than what my husband could possibly ever realize. Just that brief conversation with our friend and his little flirtation has made me look at things so much differently. I feel so much different too! I am a catch. I am a good person. I am worth it!

Hear me out - I do not want a divorce. No, no, no! I still love my husband very much and want to have him back. But maybe I am gaining a little backbone and will be able to stand up for myself when he comes back. I won't have to just accept him back without any consequences. I will have strength of my own and can show him that I have changed a lot, but I am also still Bethany. The Bethany he married fours years ago.

Lord, you better wake him up soon...

Priceless

cleaning supplies: $43.95

dinner with all of the fixen’s: $96.59

new chef shoes: $124.54

the latest and greatest computer: $1,367.12

a wife who loves her husband unconditionally: priceless

The Possibility

At one point in time during this situation with my husband he stated that with his new "girlfriend" he could now see possibility in life. First of all, WTF? I worked very hard to keep our life together, funded and stable. I am so sorry that we weren't millionaires and we couldn't travel the world on our small salaries, but not many people in this world can actually live out their wildest fantasies. It's just not possible. I "thought" we were both on the same page by getting out of debt and then focusing on living the "life" debt free. Evidently not.

Last night I was thinking this through and I finally, for the first time, could see the possibility of life without my husband as my husband. It is possible and that thought was very reassuring. Thinking about his actions and words, I came to realize that he was the one person who has really made me feel worthless and like a nobody. Do you know how incredibly painful that is? To feel like you aren't even worth the air you breath to someone who you have poured your entire self into? Proverbs 31:10 says it like this:

"A good woman is hard to find,

and worth far more than diamonds."

I know I was and still am a great and wonderful wife and woman. But over the past 2-1/2 months my own husband has made me feel so worthless and useless to him. But I am done feeling that way. God knows that I am a wonderful wife and that I did so much for my husband. I loved him, honored him, cherished him, respected him, obeyed him. I know I was a great wife and that even though he thinks he has found a new "girlfriend," she will never be me and my husband will start to miss that. I don't know when or how, but sooner or later he will realize the errors of his ways and come to grips with the fact that I am worth so much more than rubies and diamonds... I am priceless.

A Thought

"Lessons cannot be learned without difficulty. Not to him who walks on with no obstacles, but to him that overcomes is the promise given."

At times during this trial I think, "What in the world am I supposed to learn from all of this I am going through?" But in reflection, there is so much to learn that it is overwhelming to think about. Here are just a few things that I am learn, changing and growing from through out this nightmare. But at the end of this nightmare I hope to wake up and feel as if this was all a bad dream that it will quickly fade into a distant memory.

• Hunger and longing for God
• What are my goals and dreams for my life, not my husbands
• What I like about myself that I should never have to change for anyone
• How to be a better friend, sister, daughter and wife
• How men think and what they really want
• That I was a good wife and it doesn't matter it my husband didn't think so, me and God know
• Just how much inner strength I really do have
• What I want out of life and what is really important to me

On that thought, how dare my husband make me feel like drinking, partying and stay up to all hours of the morning should be acceptable in our marriage! Why should I accept that behavior and allow it in my house?!? How dare he make me start to rethink my morals and values just to fit his immature behavior! If I don't stand for something, I will fall for anything just like he did. This makes me very angry! What is important to me is my faith, family, job and financial security. I am thankful that I have matured to a point where I can be a functioning adult in society verse a wanna be hippie/partier like he and his "girlfriend." How immature...

So, sorry for the diversion of thought. I guess maybe that is my biggest lesson in all of this. If I don't stand for something, I will fall for anything. I know that I wasn't a bad wife. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was good to him. I did so much for him and he knows that I was a very giving person. I supported him through so many personal and professional issues. I made him breakfast and coffee at 3am before work. I had dinner ready when we got home. I balanced the checkbook and paid the bills. I arranged everything every time we moved. I wrote his resume. I encouraged him to think bigger and better for his career. I cleaned house. I walked the dog. I grocery shopped. I loved him when he wanted and needed it. I forgave him during one of the darkest times of his life (not this situation, but a previous bad time.) I didn't nag him or make him feel less than a man. I wanted him to have fun and encouraged it often. I know I did so much for him and just how does he repay me for my full and loving devotion to him? HE CHEATS ON ME!!! 10 years of heartache, strife, fun times, laughter, sad times, financial hardships... so much. And this is how he repays me?

I don't deserve this... I am not the bad person. I am not the enemy. I am not saying that I am perfect, but who on this earth is? No one. He won't find perfection in me and he won't find perfection in his "girlfriend" either! I really, truly don't deserve this and I am not sure what I am going to do about...

*pray*

Feeling Good, Weird

I am feeling pretty good today. I have no idea where or what my husband is doing, but I am not worried about him. I wish I could capture these feelings and pour them out all of my head and just soak them in when I am having a bad day. But for today I am feeling pretty sure of myself and my actions that I have had to take.

God is so good to me and I am really amazed at the strength and grace he has given me. I really don't have a whole lot to say today, but just that I am feeling ok. Hanging in there and taking it one day at a time.

Praise Jesus!

Feeling Hopeless

I really don't know why I am feeling rather hopeless today. Nothing has changed much in the last day or so. Still no word from my husband. I am feeling pretty fearful that he has or is going to file for divorce soon. No one has told me this or indicated this move in anyway, but that thought is pretty prominent in my mind today. I hate it!

On Sunday I started praying that God would just end this whole thing wither it be by divorce or him coming back to me. Just end it! I am so sick and tired of thinking about it and him day in and day out. Does he even think about me? Who knows. He was pretty careless and heartless when I talked with him over a month ago. Such harsh word would come out of his month and I am just thinking "Who are you? You are not my husband. My husband would never say such cruel, unloving things to me." I am afraid he is going to take our tax check and either keep it from me or file divorce with that money. I know that probably sound out there, but you know I don't know what he is capable of now.

Ugh...

Day 7 - Fast Eneded

I have decided to end my fast today, the 7th day. I started feeling really, really poor and I had to eat. I pray that God knows my heart and even if I couldn't get through all 21 days, he still hears my cry to him. I wanted to get through all 21 days, but I think I might have been a little ambitious. I ate lunch, but I am still not feel better. I know that fasting will become a true part of my walk with Jesus and do it more often. This experience taught me a lot and I will continue to seek his face and really press into him for answers to my prayers. I feel very tired, but I feel that God saw my sacrifice and is working mightily on my behalf even now that I have ended my fast.

I am trying very hard not to feel like a failure and that I couldn't make it through. I pray that God know my heart and knows my intentions are not evil or selfish.

Faith

I have got to have faith. There is not way around it. Faith that God's word is true and will not return to him broken and unused. This is my prayer. I truly can not see the road ahead of me, but for one step. Where do I go? Which way do I turn? How do I get anywhere? God please help me to have faith with every step I take!

Isaiah 55:11
11 The words I speak are like that.
They will not return to me without producing results.
They will accomplish what I want them to.
They will do exactly what I sent them to do.

Psalm 18:25
Lord, to those who are faithful you show that you are faithful.

2 Timothy 2:13
Even if we are not faithful,
he will remain faithful.
He must be true to himself.

Hebrews 11:1
Faith is being sure of what we hope for. It is being certain of what we do not see.

Jeremy Camp's Song Walk By Faith
Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith Even when
I cannot see because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath
You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya well i will walk by faith
even when i cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me
Well I'm broken- but I still see
Your face Well You've spoken- pouring
Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
(Repeat)Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Hallelujah, hallelu
I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith
I will walk,
I will walk FaithI will walk,
I will walk by faith

Sand Through My Fingers

On Friday I found out that my husband took his "girlfriend" out to his parents. I spoke with his dad and he said that he told my husband that no one would probably accept her and that everyone thinks he is an idiot and making a huge mistake. Well, they went out their and my husbands brothers were out there and the older brother's attitude is "It's none of my business." The younger brother and his wife are very upset and think that his parents allowing him to bring her out there is a huge mistake and they were both pretty angry by it. I just don't get it. His parents did tell my husband his "g/f" that they are not believing in anything else but full restoration of out marriage. I wonder what she thought about being out there...

All week I felt like I wanted to go back out to my old church where my husband's dad is the pastor. So me and my sister went out there for service yesterday and after the service my husband's mom said the weirdest thing to me and it really, really hurt. She said that she is done talking bad about my husband/her son. What? What does that mean? I haven't been mean or slandering of my husband this entire time. I am the one he is hurting. I am the one being thrown to the side. And I am the one still here believing in him. All of a sudden I felt like I was the enemy. Does she think that I have just left him high and dry with no other choice but to shack up with this girl? That I am happy that he hasn't contacted me for nearly a month? I just don't get it! First they allow her into their home and now they are making me feel like I am the one causing all of this.

I just cried and cried yesterday. I even spent about 4 hours in bed. I just couldn't face it. I felt so helpless. Like I have a handful of sand and it is just slipping through my fingers and I can't stop it. That is what I feel like my life is like right now... slipping through my fingers.

Day 7

Day 7: Feed on the Word
"I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than necessary food."
Job 23:12 (NKJV)
On your seventh day of fasting, remember:
1. Water needs to be with you at all times
2. Rest and relax as much as possible
3. Remember your prayer time and prayer place
4. Write your thoughts in your prayer journal
5. Continue to meditate and listen
6. Sugar free mints
Physical Effects:
1. Senses begin to heighten
2. Cravings can occur, especially with pictures and smells
3. Weight loss continues
4. Bad breath
Today's Quote:"It is my prayer that you are drawing strength from each other and that you are truly experiencing the power that is found in fellowship with the Body of Christ."
Jentezen Franklin
Thoughts for your Journal:
1. How do you keep from resisting the temptation of hunger? I think of my husband. Having him saved and brought out of sin and having him back in my life and working on our marriage is the reward and that is a great reward!
2. How can resisting hunger relate to avoiding other temptations in your life? Will-power and self control are really being put to the test at this time. I am hungry, but is it worth it to eat right now? What am I believing for? What is God doing in my life that I can focus on instead of food. Easier said than done though...

Day 6

Today is actually day 7, but I didn't get a chance to write yesterday, so here we go...
I am still feeling pretty good. My family is worried about me and I think after the 7 day I am going to turn my fast into a Daniel fast. I would be able to eat veggies and fruits and beans and nuts. Just no sugar, meat, white flour. I am kind of worried about my weight too. I don't want to lose any more. I think I am down to 126lbs. and I don't look gross. It's just that I don't want to become unhealthy.
Day 6: God Delights in Renewal
Sometimes we need renewal in our spiritual lives. Fasting is one of the ways that you can cleanse your body and aid the process of communicating with the Father.
On your sixth day of fasting, remember:
1. Drink lots of water
2. Rest to conserve energy
3. Utilize your personal prayer time and prayer place
4. Journal your experience
5. Concentrate on prolonged times of meditation and listening
6. Sugar free mints
Physical Effects:
1. Senses begin to heighten
2. Cravings can occur, especially with pictures and smells
3. Weight loss continues
4. Bad breath
Today's Quote:"Our forefathers knew, it seems, how to communicate with the Almighty, but do we? We must learn anew to think deeply, to worship meaningfully, to meditate unhurriedly."
Charles Swindoll Intimacy with the Almighty
Thoughts for your Journal:
1. How is experiencing fasting as a private discipline bringing you closer to God? I talk to him all of the time, but I am really becoming exhausted mentally. I feel like I am not thinking clearly. I don't know what to do...
2. Has God revealed anything to you since the Fast has begun? There is something about Joshua and the battle for Jericho, but I haven't really figured that one out yet.

Day 5

So far, so good. Yesterday as I was leaving work God gave me the story of Joshua and Jerichco. Why? I am not 100% sure, but I think it has to with the tearing down of strongholds. I am still waiting for more clarification...

Day 5: Fasting AND Praying

Solomon speaks about the three-fold cord and how it cannot be broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

On your fifth day of fasting, remember:
1. Utilize your Prayer Journal
2. Concentrate on your own personal prayer time and prayer place
3. Keep sugar free mints on hand

Physical Effects:
1. Headaches begin to subside
2. Cravings subside
3. Weight loss can be noticeable
4. Bad breath becomes a concern

Today's Quote:
"Tragically, precious little in this hurried and hassled age promotes such intimacy. We have become a body of people who look more like a herd of cattle in a stampede than a flock of God beside green pastures and still waters."

Charles Swindoll
Intimacy with the Almighty

Thoughts for your Journal:
1. Why do you think fasting is important in order to achieve your greatest breakthroughs? It is a way to submit and humble your self before the Lord. You are constantly praying and seeking him throughout the hunger pains and that is truly self-sacrificing.
2. Jesus fasted, and He intimately related to His Father in heaven. How has this experience so far helped you to relate to your Heavenly Father? You know, I am not really sure yet... I just talk to him about every second of every day and pray that he hears me.

Pressing In

It is time that really have to start pressing into him and to hear what he is saying to me. I need him so much right now it is incredible! Help me Jesus! I need you! My heart is crying out for you! I can't do this without you! Please help me!

Habakkuk 2:2-3
"And the Lord answered me: write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay."

Isaiah 55:10-11
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

Proverbs 30:5
"Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.""Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him."

Lamentations 3:22-32
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul therefore I will hope in him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid upon him; let him put his mouth in the dust--there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love."

Day 4

Things are going well here on day for of my fast. I haven't been hungry at all today and that has felt good - not to be shaky and weary. I am moving forward. I have been trying not to think about the weight loss aspect of fasting. By I am a woman and my weight is on my mind a lot. I did weight myself this morning and I have lost 3.5 lbs. That is a plus, but that is not the reason I am fasting and I was talking to God about that this morning. Please search my heart and know that my intentions are solely for my husband and our marriage. Nothing else. Drinking V8 for lunch. Yum!

Day 4: Target Your Prayers
The disciples cannot cast the demon out of the boy, and Jesus has to do it. Some only come out through prayer and fasting. Matthew 10
On your fourth day of fasting, remember:
1. Drink lots of water
2. Get support from your accountability partner or group
3. Listen as you pray
4. Record His response to your prayers
Physical Effects:
1. You begin to settle into the fast
2. Cravings begin to subside
3. Headaches sometimes occur at this stage
4. Your body begins ridding itself of toxins
Today's Quote:"As important and intriguing as divine depths might be, they defy discovery by the natural means of our minds. He reserves these things for those whose hearts are completely His for those who take the time to wait before Him. Only in that way can there be intimacy with the Almighty."
Charles Swindoll Intimacy with the Almighty
Thoughts for your Journal:
1. Do you have a friend or loved one that is in need of Salvation? My husband! He really, really, really needs God in his life and blow his doors off. He is still very lost and thinking unclear. He brought his "girlfriend" out to meet his parents and that really messed with me. His dad assured me though that they did not skirt around the issue. That they said in front of her that they are believing and praying for nothing but restoration.
2. Is there any healing that you need physically? I am healthy, but I will put two girls who need healing in their bodies in front of the Lord as well. Jackie & Jennifer. Lord, you can heal these two you ladies. You can touch their bodies in a miraculous way. You can do anything.
3. What are the needs in your family right now? Restoration of my marriage, financial support for my sisters and parents. My family has never been well off and times are pretty tough right now for everyone.

Where Does my Hope Lie?

At one point during this ordeal, my husband said that he didn't want to give me hope. That he felt like him talking to me was giving me hope and he didn't want that. Well, I just found this scripture and my hope doesn't lie in my husband. My hope lies in God and the fact that he will be faithfull to me and my marriage.

Lamentations 3:19-36
It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God
19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
34-36Stomping down hard
on luckless prisoners,Refusing justice to victims
in the court of High God,Tampering with evidence—
the Master does not approve of such things.

Why Do I Doubt?

The human mind is so very frustrating! So many thoughts whirling about up there like leaves on a windy fall day. No real direction, no real purpose. They are just flying about uncontrolled. I just have so many thoughts and I feel like I just can't control them! What do I do???...

Huh, God just said "Fix your eyes on me!" I am so not worthy of him. I have let him down so many, many times and yet he is still here holding my hand and picking my back up when I need help.

It seems like in the mornings I am pretty down. I don't know why. Maybe because it's the beginning of another day and when I wake up, I remember where my life is right now. That is no fun at all! Anyway, I have been using Biblegateway.com a lot lately. This morning as I was getting settled in here at work, I was like "God, I need something this morning. I am feeling pretty yucky" and he did! Today's Verse of the Day is Jeremiah 32:17: 17 " 'Lord and King, you have reached out your great and powerful arm. You have made the heavens and the earth. Nothing is too hard for you."

There is that same theme again - anything. Nothing is too hard for him. That means he can do anything! Anything... without boundaries. He can do it!

So I decided to read that entire chapter in Jeremiah and that last few verses read:
42-44"Yes, this is God's Message: 'I will certainly bring this huge catastrophe on this people, but I will also usher in a wonderful life of prosperity. I promise. Fields are going to be bought here again, yes, in this very country that you assume is going to end up desolate—gone to the dogs, unlivable, wrecked by the Babylonians. Yes, people will buy farms again, and legally, with deeds of purchase, sealed documents, proper witnesses—and right here in the territory of Benjamin, and in the area around Jerusalem, around the villages of Judah and the hill country, the Shephelah and the Negev. I will restore everything that was lost.' God's Decree."

That is exactly how I feel in my life now. That there has been a a great catastrophe and that things are so hopeless and desolate. But, God! The last sentence reads "I will restore everything that was lost.' God's Decree."

So again I ask, why do I doubt?

Thank you God for these daily reminders that you love me and have given me the promise of restoration. Thank you... I am not worthy of you or your great love. Please help me to be patient and to put all of my trust in you.

A Few Revalations

First, Satan is using God's words to make me doubt and unbelieve. He is making me feel like since God said that getting a divorce if a spouse commits adultery is ok, then God wants me to get a divorce. That that is my only option. That is NOT true! God hates divorce. It hurts him even if it occurs because of an adulterous spouse.

Second, I was pray on my way back from lunch and I was telling God that my husband is in his hands and that I just continue to put him in his hands. And then I said "God, I put my marriage in your hands!" At the point, the light bulb went off. Of course I need to put my marriage in his hands! Of course he doesn't want me to get a divorce! Of course he is going to work everything out because he created the union of marriage! If I truly put my MARRIAGE in his hands, then I can't go wrong! I has never looked at it that way. That I need to commit my marriage to his hands and if I do that and trust that he loves the union of marriage and that he created it and that he hates divorce, then of course everything is going to be ok. I have to TRUST him with the aspect of my marriage and not just with myself and my husband!

Day 3

Day 3: Getting Past Your Quitting Point
Are you ready for a breakthrough unlike anything you've ever experienced before? Remember to continually pray because only God can provide you with the strength, both physically and emotionally, that you will need during these 21 days.

On your third day of fasting, remember:
1. Drink lots of water
2. Chew on some sugar free breath mints or gum
3. Pray for encouragement
4. Avoid smells and other temptations
5. This will be the toughest day of the Fast

Physical Effects:
1. Tongue is coated over fully
2. Hunger pangs increase
3. Cravings are intense at times
4. Ketosis is in full process
5. Noticeable weight loss begins
6. Headaches might still be apparent

Today's Quote:"I have seen people who have never fasted before experience marvelous breakthroughs in their lives. If you are ready to bring supernatural blessings into your life and release the power of God to overcome any situation, begin today making the discipline of fasting a part of your life. God is no respecter of persons what He has done in our church, in the lives of our members, He will do for you when you set your heart to seek Him through fasting."
Jentezen Franklin

Thoughts for your Journal:
1. What is that dream inside you that only He can make possible? - My dream is to have my marriage fully healed and restored. Before my husbands unfaithfulness, I never thought that my marriage was on the rocks or had any issues. But evidentialy, my husband was unhappy. He never expressed it to me and so that is where the healing needs to begin. We need to first agree to both work on our marriage and then work on opening up to each other feeling comfortable to tell each other what is truly bothering us. My dream and my promise is a fully restored marriage even better than it was before all of this.
2. What are other people's goals in your accountability group? - My sister is also fasting with me (pop, only), but she is standing in agreement with me of a fully restored marriage. I know she really misses him and is a great person to have standing next to me in this battle.
3. How can you obtain these goals with God's help? - Trust and pray! That is all I can do. I have to trust that he has plans for me and my husband and our marriage. I have taken that step where the line is clearly drawn from not trusting to trusting and that is all I can do. Prayer is also about the only thing I can do. If I didn't pray, then where would I be? Completely lost and hopeless.

Trust

So this idea of trust has been on my mind all week and I have to write about it. Trust. What is it and how do we do it? Dictionary.com says this:
Trust
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

I just keep thinking "Trust Him. Trust Him. Trust Him." But how do I do that? How do I trust in someone I can't see? I can think it with my head. "Ok, Lord. I trust you!" But how do I get that connected with my heart? I read some of Romans last night and here is what I came across:
Romans 4: 1-5
1-3 So how do we fit what we know of Abraham, our first father in the faith, into this new way of looking at things? If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we're given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story. What we read in Scripture is, "Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own."
4-5If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift.

I guess if I think it, say it and walk it I will believe it. I should just start repeating "I trust you Lord" so that it gets into my soul, deep down.

Another area I need to set some focus on is to stop looking at my husband and his actions. That is looking at the flesh and when we get into the flesh we are disappointed, scared, afraid and hopeless. Stop looking at what he is doing and refocus on what God is doing and what he has promised me.

Hebrews 12:2 says:
2 Let us keep looking to Jesus. He is the author of faith. He also makes it perfect. He paid no attention to the shame of the cross. He suffered there because of the joy he was looking forward to. Then he sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Focus my thoughts and my eyes on Jesus and the joy that I am looking forward to when my husband comes back to me and we begin healing our marriage.

Seek

When I was younger, living in Losantville, there was a night when I got really worried and scared. I don't remember why or for what reason, but God gave me this scripture:
Matthew 6:25-34
Do Not Worry
25 "I tell you, do not worry. Don't worry about your life and what you will eat or drink. And don't worry about your body and what you will wear. Isn't there more to life than eating? Aren't there more important things for the body than clothes?
26 "Look at the birds of the air. They don't plant or gather crops. They don't put away crops in storerooms. But your Father who is in heaven feeds them. Aren't you worth much more than they are?
27 "Can you add even one hour to your life by worrying?
28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the wild flowers grow. They don't work or make clothing. 29 But here is what I tell you. Not even Solomon in all of his glory was dressed like one of those flowers.
30 "If that is how God dresses the wild grass, won't he dress you even better? After all, the grass is here only today. Tomorrow it is thrown into the fire. Your faith is so small!
31 "So don't worry. Don't say, 'What will we eat?' Or, 'What will we drink?' Or, 'What will we wear?' 32 People who are ungodly run after all of those things. Your Father who is in heaven knows that you need them.
33 "But put God's kingdom first. Do what he wants you to do. Then all of those things will also be given to you.
34 "So don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

For all who don't know me, I am a worrier (I think I have mentioned that in previous blogs.) But I just worry. Mainly about the safety and care for my loved ones. Are they ok? Are they some place safe? Did they arrive at their destination ok?

As I am thinking about it now, I remember where I was when God gave me this scripture. I was on my black futon bed in the bedroom I was sharing with my sister. I think I was worrying about my parents mission trip to Kazakhstan. I was afraid for their safety and Matthew 6:26 popped into my head as I was praying. I quickly looked it up and was amazed by this verse and those surrounding it.

But today as I read these verses, something else has been jumping out at me. Verse 33: "But put God's kingdom first. Do what he wants you to do. Then all of those things will also be given to you." As I am fasting, I am putting God's kingdom and will ahead of mine and I truly am seeking what he has to say to me and where to go and what to do.

I feel like this scripture goes hand in hand with Luke 11:9:
"So here is what I say to you. Ask, and it will be given to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you."

Day 2

Day 2: Hungering for Living Bread
"As David stated in Psalm 42, 'Deep calls unto deep.'
Week 1 is that first step down the path to your breakthrough. The first step is many times the hardest step, but as you walk through this journey, you will find that God is there to meet you at every critical point along the way."
Jentezen Franklin

On your second day of fasting, remember:
1. Drink lots of water
2. Rest to conserve your energy
3. Pray!The second and third days are the hardest

Physical Effects:
1. Tongue begins to coat
2. Hunger pangs increase
3. Cravings are intense at times
4. Headaches can begin
5. Your body starts burning fat for energy, this is called ketosis

Today's Quote:"Out of those private and profound times alone with His Father came an enormous outpouring of public demonstration where God's power would be poured forth in healings, raising the dead, abundance and more. Victories are not won in public, but in private. That is why fasting, whether corporately or individually, is a private discipline."
Jentezen Franklin

Thoughts for your Journal:
1. Do you need a deeper, more intimate and powerful relationship with the Lord? - YES! I know that the purpose of my fast is for my husband and may marriage, but I also expect my relationship to grow so much during this time of prayer, fast and seeking him. I feel that I have grown so much in the past 3 weeks since I cut things off between me and him so I am so excited to see where things go in the next 3 weeks. I need a deeper understanding of God's love for me and his plan for my life. Need more and I am hungry for more! Give me more!
2. Do you need a fresh encounter with God? - YES! Over the past few years, I haven't had much of a relationship with Jesus. I would always say quick prayers over my husband for safety, but that was about it. We weren't going church and honestly hated it. We felt like we have seen and heard it all and that Christians were hypocrites. But now, I see that it isn't what is in church that makes it real or fake. It's what's in me and my relationship with God is transforming and maturing. I need a fresh encounter because it has been so long since I had any type of relationship with him. I need eyes to really see and feel God's presence and hand in my life.

I have started shaking and feeling a little weak now. Press on through! Don't give up. It will pass.

Anything

God is amazing. Plain and simple. Last night I was going to read my Bible and I really didn't know where to start or what to read. I thought, maybe Ephesians? So I started reading and I was getting pretty sleepy, but I got to the end of chapter 3 and this is what it says:

Ephesians 3:20-21
20-21God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
Glory down all the generations!
Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!

I don't know if I have com across this scripture before, but it just really hit me. God can do anything! ANYTHING! There isn't anything that is impossible for him or too hard for him or too low for him to do. He can do it! So I just started praying over the wedding photo I have of me and my husband and just saying it over and over. You can do anything! You can do anything!

As I was driving to work this morning, that word "anything" was brought back to my mind and I again just started praying that he can do anything! There are many times where I feel like this situation that I am in isn't going to get better. He is never going to come back. He is never going to wake up. It's impossible. Nothing is going to change. But look! He says that he can do it! He can make this most hopeless situation turn around and show so many people his grace and love.

I just at this moment felt like he was saying to me "Your situation is the worst so that people can see me work mighty through you. So that people can see hope through your situation."

Anyway, when I came into work this morning, I was getting on Biblegateway.com to look up what I had read last night and today's Verse of the Day is that exact verse! It is the New International Version and it says it like this:
"God is able to do far more than we could ever ask for or imagine. He does everything by his power that is working in us. Give him glory in the church and in Christ Jesus. Give him glory through all time and for ever and ever. Amen.”

See, I am telling you that God is truly amazing! He is with me and this just proves it!

Blast from the Past

Perseverance! This scripture comes from my youth group days. We always quoted this scripture and it is a good one to hang on to.

Ephesians 6:13-18
13-18Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.

Day 1

I have felt God challenging me to fast for my husband and our marriage. I bought the book "Fasting" by Jentezen Franklin and it is a great resource and encouragment. I have fasted two other days prior to this and I just feel like there is a lot to be seen and heard yet from God on behalf of my husband and our marriage. I am nearly half way through the book and I have decided to start a new fast today. I was unsettled at how long I should fast though. Three days? Forty days? I just couldn't decied. I went to Jentezen's website and they have a great resource page on their site for a 21-day fast. Here is what is said for day 1:

Day 1: Getting Started
Fasting brings one into a deeper, more intimate, and powerful relationship with the LORD. When you eliminate food from your diet for a number of days, your spirit becomes uncluttered by the things of this world and amazingly sensitive to things of God and HIS kingdom.
"As the deer pants for the water brooksSo my soul pants for you, O God.My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.When shall I come and appear before God?My tears have been my food day and night,While they continually say to me,"'Where is your God?'"-King David [Psalm 42:1-3 NKJV]
On your first day of fasting, remember:
1. Drink lots of water
2. Keep your focus and avoid temptation
3. Remember your fast and its purpose
4. Get with an accountability partner or group
Physical Effects:
1. Hunger pangs and cravings
Today's Quote:
"Jesus, while being a very public figure, was actually a very private person. You do not see Him praying in public nearly as much as you see Him praying in private. If fact, our Savior was so committed to prayer that He would often pray for hours on end, even all through the night. He seemed to crave intimate moments alone with His father in heaven."
Jentezen Franklin
Keep a journal as you go through this experience. Every day you will be provided with a few questions to guide you with your thought process. Here are a few questions to help get you started.
Thoughts for your Journal:
1. What are your own personal reasons for fasting? - My husband and my marriage! I need a miraculous touch in this area of my life. I need God to move mightly on behalf of me and my husband. I need my marriage restored! I need my husband to find God again and for the adultourous spirit to break immediately!
2. Do you desire sensitivity to the things of God? - YES! I need God in my life and I want God in my life. I want to hear what he has to say to me and to know what he wants for my life! I feel hungry to read his word and to hear what he has for me and to have wisdom. God, I need you now more than I ever have or wanted. Help me to hear your voice and to be open to your movement.

A Glimpse

Yesterday was a pretty tough day. But as I said in a previous blog, God impressed on my heart that joy comes in the morning and I feel very joyful today!

Last night I was praying and reading my Bible and another book called "Fasting" by Jentezen Franklin. I don't remember what I was reading exactly at the time, but I saw so clearly my husband and who he was before all of this. I saw him in our church and praising God with his hands lifted and singing to him. Wow. That was a great picture of who I truly know my husband is. God has given me a new hope with this vision!

God also spoke to me the other night right as I was falling asleep. He said "Love Ben with all your heart!" Wow... That is too cool!

Standing in the Gap

Ezekiel 30:30-31
30-31 "I looked for someone to stand up for me against all this, to repair the defenses of the city, to take a stand for me and stand in the gap to protect this land so I wouldn't have to destroy it. I couldn't find anyone. Not one. So I'll empty out my wrath on them, burn them to a crisp with my hot anger, serve them with the consequences of all they've done. Decree of God, the Master."

I'm here, Lord! I am standing in the gap for my husband. See that I am here and will be strong for him while he is weak. See that I am here! Find me standing for my husband in the horrible time! See that I will be faithful to him and to our marriage! I'm here, Lord! See me! Do not destroy my husband! See that his wife is a good and faithful wife who stands in the gap for him!

Desires of the Heart

I have been praying a lot today and I started praying out of the book of Psalm. That is a great book! Anyway, I have come to realize that I need to start praying that my hearts desires would like up with those of God. I really need to start praying that God's will be done in my life and my husbands life. I don't know what God's will looks like, but I have to trust that it is what is best. It may be that my dear husband and I are come back to together and our marriage is fully restored or it may be that my dear husband isn't in God's plan for my life and that there is possibly someone much better than my current husband that God has for me. If I can just grab ahold of that and hang on for dear life, then I will truly be walking in true peace and confidence in my God.

Psalm 6
1-2 Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed.
Treat me nice for a change;
I'm so starved for affection.
2-3 Can't you see I'm black-and-blue,
beat up badly in bones and soul?
God, how long will it take
for you to let up?
4-5 Break in, God, and break up this fight;
if you love me at all, get me out of here.
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!
6-7 I'm tired of all this—so tired. My bed
has been floating forty days and nights
On the flood of my tears.
My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.
The sockets of my eyes are black holes;
early blind, I squint and grope.
8-9 Get out of here, you Devil's crew:
at last God has heard my sobs.
My requests have all been granted,
my prayers are answered.
10 Cowards, my enemies disappear.
Disgraced, they turn tail and run.

I feel like I have been horribly beat up. I am beyond recognition. I am tired. Please stop. But finally today I feel a sense of reliefe, even if for the moment. I am going to trust God not only for my dear husband's life, but also for mine. If I can align my wants and my desires up with the will of God, then I can't lose. I will have the most rewarding relationship with him and a wonderful life.

God,
Make my hearts desires line up with your desires. Make me who you want me to be and no one else. Change me and my wants so that they are what you want. You way is perfect and I couldn't ask for more.

Help!

All day today I have been crying out to God "I need you! Help me!" I have just been an emotional wreck today for some reason. And I am here at work just weeping and I can't seem to control it or cut it off. Why? Why me? Why my marriage? Why Ben?

As I was just sitting and weeping, I heard "Joy comes in the morning." I looked it up and it comes from Psalm 30 and this is an amazing scripture for me crying out to God right now. It says:

Psalm 30
A David Psalm
1 I give you all the credit, God— you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.
2-3 God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.
4-5 All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.
6-7 When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm God's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.
8-10 I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"
11-12 You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough.

Even More Encouragement

Deuteronomy 31:7-8
7-8 Then Moses summoned Joshua. He said to him with all Israel watching, "Be strong. Take courage. You will enter the land with this people, this land that God promised their ancestors that he'd give them. You will make them the proud possessors of it. God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry."

2 Corinthians 1:8-11
8-11We don't want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn't think we were going to make it. We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don't want you in the dark about that either. I can see your faces even now, lifted in praise for God's deliverance of us, a rescue in which your prayers played such a crucial part.

Pain

I am having a pretty rough time... Last night I felt like I needed to stay home and pray. So I did, but I just cried and cried. I felt like I didn't get anywhere, but became a sobbing mess. Ugh!!! I am so tired of all of hurting and pain. I just want it to all be over with! Sometimes I think that maybe I should just get a divorce and try to move on that way. But in my mind I would feel like a total failure and that does not sit well with me. We haven't even tried to work out our marriage. Not even the littlest effort has been given on my husbands part. He just left. Why would I really want to stay with someone who did that? It's because I know him and I know his spirit. His actions right now are of the flesh and I have to separate those two ideas and know that my true husband is in there somewhere. He is hiding and running from all of the pain, hurt and confusion.

I am so tired...

I woke this morning and just couldn't hardly think about it. But I felt like I needed to get up and get ready and have a few minutes of quite time with God before I went to work. I really just opened my Bible and began to read:

John16:21-23"When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there's no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you'll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You'll no longer be so full of questions."

I can't help to wonder how long my labor pains are going to last before I have joy again. I am so tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Just tired... I need an epidural so I can get some rest! Ha!

Lord, how much longer will my labor pains last?

I saw this quote over the weekend while I was out shopping and it just really touched me:

"Where there is great love there are always miracles." Willa Cather

More Encouragement

Hebrews 12:1-3

Discipline in a Long-Distance Race

1-3Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Philippians 1:3-6 (The Message)

A Love That Will Grow

3-6Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

Encouragement

Matthew 7:7-11
7-11 Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

Romans 8:26-28
26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

A Long Way

Day 63... and I know I have come a long way since April 30. The month of May was just a total train wreck and it felt like it just dragged on and on. I was just trying to grasp what was going on in my life. I felt so incredibly surreal. I describe it as if my life were a huge bowl of potato salad that was now turned upside down on the pavement and I was scrambling to scoop everything back up and get it back into the bowl. It didn't work.

The first two weeks of June were less chaotic. Things had settled in my mind and I understood the realty of what my husband was doing. Those first days of June, I tried to communicate with him. I tried to reason and apologize, but he was not willing at accept or even hear what I had to say. His answer was just no. Not "maybe". Not "what if". Just no. I am done and that is that. How can you give up 10 years of hard work, love, care and happiness in a blink of an eye? I don't know. That is when I started to get mad. I wrote him 3 letters. Two nice and one angry. I am glad that I only read the angry one to him over the phone. I didn't e-mail it to him and I think that was a good thing. He has continually said that I am a good person. He cares for me and wants to be my friend. WTF?

By the third week of June, I started to realize that I need to take action. He was stomping all over my heart and my emotions. He would come and go from our apartment taking things he felt were his in the process. I could see where he was spending our money and his actions were really starting to affect my work and the quality I was producing. If I lost my job, then where would I be? I got incredibly angry at him for this fact. His lack of understanding and inconsiderate actions were affecting me in ways I could never anticipate. I had to take action and fast. That was on June 14. By June 18 I had separated all of our bills, refinanced my car and moved out of our apartment. That was a very liberating day. I felt I finally had gain some control over my life again.

When this all started I felt like my husband was a the slippery, wet bar of soap that I had squeezed a little too hard in the shower and now that bar of soap was sliding all around the bathtub and I just had to wait for it to settle down before I could pick it up again. I am still waiting for it to settle down, but in the mean time I have gotten out of the shower and have started to dry off, still waiting for the bar of soap to come to rest.

So in the 2 weeks after moving out of our apartment, I have totally given my husband to God and said "Here, you deal with him. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore." And I have found an incredible peace in that. I commit my husband into God's hands each morning and numerous times throughout the day and I know my God will take car of the situation.

I have been able to gain a lot of my concentration back at work and I am really enjoying the time with m family and friends. I am busy almost every night with dinner or shopping or counseling or boating. I love it! Of course I miss my husband dearly and there isn't a moment that goes by when I am not thinking about him or praying for him. But right now I have to do things for myself and that is a foreign feeling to me. I am so used to taking care of him and trying to make him happy, but now it's my turn. I feel guilty about it at times, but I know that is silly. If I don't look out for myself, then who will (besides God)?

I always wonder "Is today going to be the day that he calls me asking to reconcile?" I hate it that I think that, but at the same time it is comforting. What if today is the day? What if it is tomorrow? What if it's this weekend? My sister put it this way: Each day you get through, it's a day closer to reconciling with him. That is a good way to look at it. I should have an expectant spirit. Come to God with an expectant spirit of what he is going to do. Expect God to move mightily on my behalf in my marriage.

Anyway, I have come a long way since that very first day. In fact, since I have been forced to review myself and look at who Bethany is and what might be in my heart that God wants to purge, I found a few things. First and foremost, worry. I am working on that. It isn't an overnight change, but the more I trust God, the less I worry about my husband. Worry isn't a fruit of the spirit. Galations 5:22-23 says this: "But the fruit the Holy Spirit produces is love, joy and peace. It is being patient, kind and good. It is being faithful and gentle and having control of oneself. There is no law against things of that kind." Peace! I want peace and not worry. Embrace that God is in control and that His way is perfect. I can't do anything by worrying. It adds nothing to my life and it doesn't change anything.

The second thing that God is dealing with me is getting back in touch with an old best friend. God is so amazing. I finally relented and tried to contact her on Facebook. I sent her a message to see if she would be open to reconnecting. Her family is very close to my husband's family and for sometime now there has been tension between her and I. Ok, God. I will try to get in touch with her. You know what? She called me yesterday not even realizing that I was try to get into contact with her! God is amazing! So tonight we are having dinner together and I am actually looking forward to it. Because I submitted to God's calling, He really orchestrated the whole thing!

So, as you can see I have come a long way. I talked to my mom last night and she said that to me and after looking at the big picture, it's really true. To think that I would have the strength to carry on with my life and really not give up on God is the true work of the Holy Spirit. He has given me peace, joy and strength through this huge storm of life and I am very thankful for that. I do have my good moments and bad moments, but as each day passes that good moments are more frequent. I would have never, ever thought that I would be meeting my old friend again. Even three weeks ago, that thought would have never of crossed my mind. God is up to something and I am excited to see what he has in store.

The future is still very uncertain. I don't know what the next minute will bring, but if I continue to lay my life and my husband's life at his feet, then we can't lose. I don't know God's timing, but I pray that I would continue to make progress in myself and in my relationship with him. For a long time I was stagnant and where there is stagnant water, there is no life. Now, I feel that I am becoming this quaint bubbling brook with the clearest, freshest water flowing through it.

What will God do next? I wonder...