Why?

This was the question on my mind this morning when I woke up. Why? Why God? Why is this happening to me? I don't think I have really asked God this question yet. Or at least not with this mind set. Why? What is the purpose? What is the outcome? Why are you allowing me to go through this fire? My husband is the most dear person to me. I trusted him. I believed him. Was I wrong in placing so much faith in him? Was I wrong to love him as much as I did? Did I place him before God? I miss him so much that at times it is truly unbearable and I would rather be dead than to have to continue feeling this hurt.

I am so tired. I am so tired of thinking about him and the what ifs. This morning I got to the point where I was just tired of praying for him. I feel mentally exhausted. Like there is nothing else to pray. I feel like I have prayed everything there is to possibly pray and then repeated and repeated and repeated. I feel like I don't know what to do. That has been the game in my mind since this all started. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. That is all I say... I don't know what to do. I have has so many highs and lows and I am just tired. When will this all end?

When? Why? How? What? Who?

So many unanswered questions... And I am just really hurting right now. I am sitting at my desk at work and just crying. Why? Why now? Why always at work? At least it is only 7:30am and not many people are here. I got through yesterday really good, but now I am just so tired of trying to be strong and live each day for myself. I was born to support my husband. That is what brings me the most joy in life and now that joy is gone. What do I do?

Wait... that is all I can do. Wait...