A New Day

Well, it's official. Hubby and I are separated, not legally. Just a self imposed separation. I split all of our money and bills and bank accounts. I even moved out of our apartment. I dumped all of this information on him yesterday afternoon and I think he was caught by surprise, which is a good thing. I didn't want him to expect anything. He thought that I would need his money until the end of July, but I had to cut ties with him for now. It was much too painful to continue talking to him through e-mails, text messages and phone conversations. He wasn't willing to give me a chance and I had to quit subjecting myself to his words and actions. It is what he ultimaetly wanted and so I gave it to him, but on my terms. When I met with him yesterday he just wept and didn't say much of anything. I was quite surprised by his reaction. Before he left I told him "Happy Anniversary." We were married on June 26 and our 4th anniversary is next week. Also before he left I prayed over him. I have really gotten a boldness to pray over him and I hope it shows him my faith and love that God and I have for him.

Last night I finished packing our apartment with my mom. I need to go back and paint and clean it, but I don't have to be out there until June 30 so I have a few days. Then my next apartment will be ready on July 25 and I am excited about it. I have never lived on my own, but I really think it will give me some confidence and encouragement.

After I got back to my sisters house I began to straigten my room and unpack my clothes and I just felt free. Weird. I felt relaxed and free. I guess it's the thought that my hubby really is in God's hands now. I am not going to talk to him and I am not going to continue to ask him to come back to me. I have tried. Lord knows I have tried so hard over the past 7 weeks, but maybe this is what God wanted me to do all along. To truly let go and let God. He is no longer any responsibility of mine. He has his own money and bills and he is a big boy so he can take care of himself. It's funny, but he is kind of homeless right now. He is living with her, but that isn't home. He doesn't go to see his parents much so that isn't home. And I just moved our home to make it my home (it will be our home when he returns, of course.) I pray that this move was truly a wake up call and reality check for him. I didn't know what else to do right now. I didn't kick him out. He left and took all of his sutff with him. I asked him mulitple times to come back, but he said that he wasn't going to leave her. So now what? I have to protect myself and my emotions and move on. That is all I can do right now. I will wait for him. I love him and I want to be his wife and I want to have our children and I want to grow old with him. I know he is a great man and that he is hurting so badly right now, but honestly his mind and his heart aren't connected.

A friend of ours called and talked with him and he told her that he wasn't cheating on me or having an affair. That this was supposed to happen and that he wasn't acutally cheating on me since I knew what was going on. What? What is he thinking? Just because I know what he is doing and where he is and who he is with, that makes it ok and justified? This statment really helps me to see where his mind is right now and anyone with half a brian would call this an affair. I am parying that that deception in his mind would break and that he would see the truth for what it is. He is still a married man and has a responsibility to me and our marriage. He just doesn't see it like that right now and that blows me away.