The Starting Line

Well, here I am day 49 of living with the thought that my husband of nearly 4 years is having an affair. (We have actually been a couple for 10 years.) It seems like it has been ages and ages and ages since he broke that news to me. I have so many thoughts racing through my head... I have to get them out before I go insane. So many negative thoughts. So many hurtful thoughts. So many confusing thoughts. So many... so many. What? Why? How?... questions I may never get the answers to. All I do all day long is sit at work and think and think and think. My concentration is just shot. I finally had to put away the wedding photo I had of us on my desk. That was a happy day and each day since April 30 has been torturous. Sad, lonely, hurt, confused.

Just how do I deal with my hubby? How do I deal with the fact that I still love and care for him so deeply? I was finally able to get mad at him on Saturday and yell at him. His response? Nothing.

I feel like I am free falling. Just falling with no ground insight and not parachute to slow things down. Helpless. Worthless. Useless. And mad! I have written a few letters to try and express what he is making me go through and that was really very helpful in getting out some of my thoughts and frustrations. That is why I decieded to start a blog. If I couldn't concentrate for the moment at work, then I could at least write and get some sort of clarity.

But really this entire situation doesn't make any sense to me and I need to stop trying to make it make sense. Up until April 30, 2008, I thought I was happily married to the best husband anyone could ever ask for. He was patient, funny, loving, kind, warm, giving, thoughtful and just a really nice guy. From my view point in my head I was happy and he was happy. We didn't argue a lot, our finance were on track, we had a great apartment, good jobs and a great dog. We loved each other's families and had great friends. To me, everything was a-ok. Honestly. I have gone through those few days prior to the world shattering and I thought we were good. Making plans for the summer and going to Michigan and weddings and Memorial Day. Normal everyday life. Then.... BOOM!!! "I cheated on you. It wasn't empty. I love her"... wow. Wait, what? What did you say? What do you mean you cheated? Please, tell me what you mean. It felt like a dream. I wasn't in my body, in my living. I was standing outside looking in and trying to understand what he had just said to me. I collapsed... literally. Fetal position and just cried and cried. You see, with me and my husband we were each others firsts: first b/f g/f, first kiss, first dance, first prom. We even waited for each other until our wedding night. We had only been with each other and I thought that what we had was so special. Unique. And in one night he gave it away to a girl he works with and had only known for a few weeks prior to all of this happening. What in the world? Why would he do this to me? What did I do that was so horrible and worth all of this hurt? He has always told me that I was a wonderful wife and that he loved me and that he was so thankful for me and our marriage. We had just gotten back from a great vacation in Miami and everything was normal!! We had so much fun in Miami and now I can hardly look at the pictures and remember things without going completely insane with sadness.

Why?... that is what I am dealing with now. Why? He is now living with her and refuses to even give me a chance. He refuses to give our marraige a chance. In the 7 weeks since this all has come out we have talked 3 times and I have seen him in person twice. He always says he is too busy and he has completely cut-off all of our family and most of our friends. I am hurting now not only for what he is doing to me, but also for him. He seems so lost and out of touch with reality.