Day Two

I know I shouldn't be counting the days, but right now that is all I can do. My sister said that each day that passes, it's one day closer to him coming home and us restoring our marriage. Tick... tick... tick... goes the second hand on the clock. Tick... tick... tick... three more seconds closer to him coming back home. Tick... tick... tick...

I miss him. I love him. *sigh*....

Anyway, I have decided to volunteer at the human society to help fill some of my free time and to actually feel like I am contributing to something, rather than just laying around all the time. I went to orientation last night and I wanted to cry seeing all of those unwanted animals there. But, I came to the conclusion that we are just alike. Loved and adored at one time in our life and then thrown away with a note stuck to us that reads "unwanted" written by the person they trusted the most. Their owner and companion. So, at least I can make them feel loved and wanted and they can make me feel loved and wanted. I am thankful for my little pound puppy. I got him at the humane society 2 years ago and he really is the greatest little guy. He makes me feel wanted and loved and that is exactly what I need when I come home at night.

I have been thinking a lot about my actions on Tuesday and Wednesday and can't help to wonder what was going through his mind. What did he think when he opened our apartment door and saw everything gone? What did he think when our puppy wasn't there to greet him? What did he think when I gave him all of the bills and his checking account? In one day, he truly lost nearly everything. His home, his stuff, his dog, his wife, his family. But not by my choice. It was his choice to have this affair. His choice to cheat on me. His choice to move out. His choice to not acknowledge me as his wife. His choice not to work things out when I gave him so many opportunities. His choice. Not mine. If I had my choice, we would be living together in our apartment with our stuff with our dog. Happy. Loving. Working things through. Seeing a counselor. But he didn't want that and I have to take care of myself and our puppy now. I am still very willing to work things out with him. I want to work things out with him. I love him. But I started to see myself as one of those abused wives. Their husband beat them and yell at them, but they keep going back for more. It's a horrible cycle and that was what I felt I had been doing with Ben. Ignore him, call him, talk to him, cry at him, yell at him, ignore him, call him, talk to him, cry at him, yell at him, ignore him... Over and over and over that last 7 weeks. I had to stop it. We weren't getting anywhere and I was just being abused by his careless words and actions each time I tried to get him to see what really was going on.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am hopeful. He is a great man and a great man of God. I know that we will have a great ministry come from our experiences that will help so many people in our exact situation. I tell God that I am expecting great things to come from this horrible time in our lives and I know he will deliver.