As a human being, it's really hard to let go and let God. Very, very hard. We want what we want and there is no possible way to accept anything different. Personally, I am very afraid to pray for God's will be done. Why? Because I don't know what that looks like or how it's going to feel. But as I was thinking that and the fact that I need to pray for God's will, but do I really want it? Do I want God's will be done in my life and my husband's life? It's scary to think of the unknown and not really know what God is up to and what is going to happen. But as soon as I started thinking about that God reminded me of Psalms 18:30: "God's way is perfect. The word of the Lord doesn't have any flaws. He is like a shield to all who go to him for safety. "
Perfect, huh? So are you saying that my way may not be perfect? That what I want may not be the best for me? But I want what I want God! (As I stomp my foot and shake my finger at God.) That is the flesh talking. Don't give room to the flesh because it will always lead you astray. Stay in the Spirit. Understand that God has a divine plan for my life, if I am willing to accept it. Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you," announces the Lord. "I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come."
Hope. What a grand concept in my life right now. My husband had said that he didn't want to give me false hope by talking to me. News flash dear husband! It's not you who gives me hope. It's my God who give me hope. If I put my ear only to you, of course I wouldn't have any hope and why should I? You are human too! If I put my hope in you, then you will fail me every time. You might not do it on purpose, but you would fail me and I would be devastated. My hope lies in my Lord and that is where it shall remain.
Monday, June 30, 2008
A New Husband
So yesterday I cleaned my apartment with my mom. We were just cleaning and listening to music and she asked me if I was ready for my new husband and my new marriage. I hadn't really thought about it like that. Things are going to be different, but everything will be new. I am a different person and I know my husband is a different person and it just leads to the fact that our marriage is going to be different. We are going to be new. I new husband. I new wife. A new marriage.
When my mom asked me that and I started thinking about it, I began to get really excited. Unfortunately, we started our marriage with God in the center, but we quickly pushed him aside. I guess I knew that we were doing that, but I felt powerless to stop it. Plus, I really wasn't wanting God at the time. A lot of history with church lead both me and my husband to have a bad attitude towards church and Christians. We thought they were hypocrites and we hated the atmosphere of church. So, basically our entire marriage we were ignoring God and not letting him into our relationship. We were doing things on our own for ourselves. That was not good and God needed us to wake up. Well God, I am awake now! And I pray that you would wake my husband up too and fast!
I have not had a spirit-filled marriage nor have I been married to a spirit-filled man and he hasn't been married to a spirit-filled woman. To think of how differently things are going to be once my husband comes back and is ready to work on our marriage, the possibilities are limitless. To have God back in our lives and in our marriage is going to be amazing. To pray with my husband and to read the Bible together is a very exciting thought. Our marriage is going to be different, but not because of what my husband has done, but because God is going to be back in the center where he should have always been.
Thinking of how my husband is going to be my new husband, I thought of 2 Corinthians 5:17 and it says "Anyone who believes in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone! The new has come!" Isn't that awesome? Even God says the my husband is going to be new. No more old, but new and better. I pray that my husband would begin to see and feel this. That with God, everything is new and that is what he wants!
When my mom asked me that and I started thinking about it, I began to get really excited. Unfortunately, we started our marriage with God in the center, but we quickly pushed him aside. I guess I knew that we were doing that, but I felt powerless to stop it. Plus, I really wasn't wanting God at the time. A lot of history with church lead both me and my husband to have a bad attitude towards church and Christians. We thought they were hypocrites and we hated the atmosphere of church. So, basically our entire marriage we were ignoring God and not letting him into our relationship. We were doing things on our own for ourselves. That was not good and God needed us to wake up. Well God, I am awake now! And I pray that you would wake my husband up too and fast!
I have not had a spirit-filled marriage nor have I been married to a spirit-filled man and he hasn't been married to a spirit-filled woman. To think of how differently things are going to be once my husband comes back and is ready to work on our marriage, the possibilities are limitless. To have God back in our lives and in our marriage is going to be amazing. To pray with my husband and to read the Bible together is a very exciting thought. Our marriage is going to be different, but not because of what my husband has done, but because God is going to be back in the center where he should have always been.
Thinking of how my husband is going to be my new husband, I thought of 2 Corinthians 5:17 and it says "Anyone who believes in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone! The new has come!" Isn't that awesome? Even God says the my husband is going to be new. No more old, but new and better. I pray that my husband would begin to see and feel this. That with God, everything is new and that is what he wants!
Friday, June 27, 2008
My Hopes, My Dreams
I know I have been on here a lot today, but I just don't have much focus. I am getting a lot done though here at work so that is a good thing.
I think that my husband thinks that I don't have any aspirations in life. That he is my be all end all and he is in some ways. But it's not so in many other ways. So I thought I would start to write down what my hopes and my dreams are so that I can have another focus in my life other than him.
For instance, I would love, LOVE to write children's books. I took a children's lit class in college and I just loved it. I got to read some of my old favorite books from when I was little and it brought back so many memories. The small of the books, the pictures, the story line, the characters. It was so fun and it made me happy. It was an easy class, but I got a lot of enjoyment out of it. I have a few ideas rolling around in my head that I need to start brainstorming about. I thinking that becoming a children's author would be so fulfilling. To be able to make such an impact on a young life would be amazing. Now, I am not really that into kids, but the way I felt ready some of my old favorites in that class really made me happy and relaxed. I wasn't the stressed college student for a moment. I was a 4-year-old little girl who loved the brightly colored pictures and the trouble may favorite characters got in.
Another dream of mine is to travel. I would also love to travel around the US in an RV/camper and just go. Anywhere, doesn't matter. I was doing some research earlier on road trips and I think it would be great fun to travel the Coastal Highway in California and to drive Route 66. Those are 2 road trips that I would love to take even with the high cost of gas. On a road trip you can take your time, stop where you want to stop and meet some greet and interesting people. I had told my hubby that I wanted to do this, but he kind of blew it off like it wasn't good enough or something. That kind of hurt. Not every one's dreams are the same, but this one is mine.
Also here lately, I have been wanting to move to Paris. I think I mentioned that in an earlier blog, but it is still a dream. It would be a very bold move, but that is what life it about, right.
In the movie Hitch, there is a great quote: "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away." It's so true. Life can be so routine and soon enough you find yourself, married with kids, a mortgage and debt up to your eyeballs. And to some that is exactly what they want. But I have been realizing that there is more to life than just work, money and sleep. There are good times to be had with people you love. There should be many moments in your life that take your breath away - some good and some bad.
Another dream of mine would be to be an art photographer. Not to be limited by people or events, but to just take my camera and just and shoot and not to have to worry about aperture or shutter settings or lighting. You know? That is all too hard. I just want to look through my camera and see the world in a whole new way. No constraints, no limits. Just look, point and shoot. That's it. I guess I should pull out my camera and just walk around town some evening and catch some really great moments. It's inspiring to look through the lens and really frame things that without the camera, you wouldn't have seen it.
This one dream is kind of weird, but I think it would still be fun. I would like to be a tour guide in Charleston, South Carolina. I love Charleston and the history there. I don't think it would pay much, but it would still be fun to not be a tourist and to get to show people the city. It is a really beautiful place.
Hmm... that's it for now. I know I have more, but I haven't discovered them yet. :)
I think that my husband thinks that I don't have any aspirations in life. That he is my be all end all and he is in some ways. But it's not so in many other ways. So I thought I would start to write down what my hopes and my dreams are so that I can have another focus in my life other than him.
For instance, I would love, LOVE to write children's books. I took a children's lit class in college and I just loved it. I got to read some of my old favorite books from when I was little and it brought back so many memories. The small of the books, the pictures, the story line, the characters. It was so fun and it made me happy. It was an easy class, but I got a lot of enjoyment out of it. I have a few ideas rolling around in my head that I need to start brainstorming about. I thinking that becoming a children's author would be so fulfilling. To be able to make such an impact on a young life would be amazing. Now, I am not really that into kids, but the way I felt ready some of my old favorites in that class really made me happy and relaxed. I wasn't the stressed college student for a moment. I was a 4-year-old little girl who loved the brightly colored pictures and the trouble may favorite characters got in.
Another dream of mine is to travel. I would also love to travel around the US in an RV/camper and just go. Anywhere, doesn't matter. I was doing some research earlier on road trips and I think it would be great fun to travel the Coastal Highway in California and to drive Route 66. Those are 2 road trips that I would love to take even with the high cost of gas. On a road trip you can take your time, stop where you want to stop and meet some greet and interesting people. I had told my hubby that I wanted to do this, but he kind of blew it off like it wasn't good enough or something. That kind of hurt. Not every one's dreams are the same, but this one is mine.
Also here lately, I have been wanting to move to Paris. I think I mentioned that in an earlier blog, but it is still a dream. It would be a very bold move, but that is what life it about, right.
In the movie Hitch, there is a great quote: "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away." It's so true. Life can be so routine and soon enough you find yourself, married with kids, a mortgage and debt up to your eyeballs. And to some that is exactly what they want. But I have been realizing that there is more to life than just work, money and sleep. There are good times to be had with people you love. There should be many moments in your life that take your breath away - some good and some bad.
Another dream of mine would be to be an art photographer. Not to be limited by people or events, but to just take my camera and just and shoot and not to have to worry about aperture or shutter settings or lighting. You know? That is all too hard. I just want to look through my camera and see the world in a whole new way. No constraints, no limits. Just look, point and shoot. That's it. I guess I should pull out my camera and just walk around town some evening and catch some really great moments. It's inspiring to look through the lens and really frame things that without the camera, you wouldn't have seen it.
This one dream is kind of weird, but I think it would still be fun. I would like to be a tour guide in Charleston, South Carolina. I love Charleston and the history there. I don't think it would pay much, but it would still be fun to not be a tourist and to get to show people the city. It is a really beautiful place.
Hmm... that's it for now. I know I have more, but I haven't discovered them yet. :)
Urge to Travel
My husband will be the first to tell you that I do not like to travel. That was true a few months ago. After we went to Miami in March, I have gotten a desire to travel. We has such a good time and we saw and did so many fun things. Also, we flew and before that trip I had only flown once and was deathly afraid of flying. But it is such a big deal. The take off and landing are really fun. I surprised myself at how at ease I was. I did take some medication, but I think I really could have traveled without it.
Anyway, I have a huge desire to go to Paris. I know it's cliche, but I still want to go. I would love to even move there with my husband. He is a pastry chef and what pastry chef wouldn't want to move and live in Paris? I wonder if once we get back together if he would be open to transferring to his chain hotel in Belgium. Wouldn't that be too cool? What a life experience. To say that we lived in Europe for a few years. Wow. I mean it would be scary, but also very exciting. I would like to live anywhere in Europe I think. Maybe Australia? I would definitely move anywhere in the US. Miami, Charleston, Chicago, Dallas, Sacramento. I am just not sure about LA or NY. Maybe get my feet wet with a little travel around some other cities, then conquer those to giants.
We were planning on moving to Charleston and that is still my dream. I love Charleston and I can't wait to show my hubby around it. It's so rich in history and architecture. I love it! I also really liked Miami. It was a very easy city to navigate around. Getting out of debt is important to me, but that isn't the half of what life should be like. It's about going and doing and seeing. Not being so afraid of what's around every corner. The first step is that I am going camping tonight for the first time. I don't know what to expect, but I am sure it will be a blast even if we do get soaked with rain!
My husband also has a friend who lives in the Bahamas, I think. And she was working for a resort down there. We were hopeful that she was going to call him and give him a job. That would be great too. When we do get the opportunity to travel and move around, I would not hesitate to sell everything we own, pack out clothes and our doggie and jump on the plane. It would be overwhelming, but exciting at the same time.
I would also like to got hiking in the Rocky mountains or go through South Dakota.
This whole thing with my husband has really opened my eyes to a lot. He probably doesn't think so, but really I am seeing life with an entire new set of eyes. It's more about seizing the moment and not being so closed minded and sheltered and scared and in control. I just pray that he would give me the chance to show him what I now see and know verse what I thought I saw and knew 2 months ago.
I love my husband and I pray that he would give me the chance I know I deserve... I want to experience life with him and no one else.
Anyway, I have a huge desire to go to Paris. I know it's cliche, but I still want to go. I would love to even move there with my husband. He is a pastry chef and what pastry chef wouldn't want to move and live in Paris? I wonder if once we get back together if he would be open to transferring to his chain hotel in Belgium. Wouldn't that be too cool? What a life experience. To say that we lived in Europe for a few years. Wow. I mean it would be scary, but also very exciting. I would like to live anywhere in Europe I think. Maybe Australia? I would definitely move anywhere in the US. Miami, Charleston, Chicago, Dallas, Sacramento. I am just not sure about LA or NY. Maybe get my feet wet with a little travel around some other cities, then conquer those to giants.
We were planning on moving to Charleston and that is still my dream. I love Charleston and I can't wait to show my hubby around it. It's so rich in history and architecture. I love it! I also really liked Miami. It was a very easy city to navigate around. Getting out of debt is important to me, but that isn't the half of what life should be like. It's about going and doing and seeing. Not being so afraid of what's around every corner. The first step is that I am going camping tonight for the first time. I don't know what to expect, but I am sure it will be a blast even if we do get soaked with rain!
My husband also has a friend who lives in the Bahamas, I think. And she was working for a resort down there. We were hopeful that she was going to call him and give him a job. That would be great too. When we do get the opportunity to travel and move around, I would not hesitate to sell everything we own, pack out clothes and our doggie and jump on the plane. It would be overwhelming, but exciting at the same time.
I would also like to got hiking in the Rocky mountains or go through South Dakota.
This whole thing with my husband has really opened my eyes to a lot. He probably doesn't think so, but really I am seeing life with an entire new set of eyes. It's more about seizing the moment and not being so closed minded and sheltered and scared and in control. I just pray that he would give me the chance to show him what I now see and know verse what I thought I saw and knew 2 months ago.
I love my husband and I pray that he would give me the chance I know I deserve... I want to experience life with him and no one else.
Come to Me
I was again just praying and thinking about taking on Jesus' yoke and his load referring back to the scripture in Matthew. I was back in the copy room and walked back up to my desk and I have Jennifer Knapp playing and the very song that was playing was a song called "Come to Me" and it says:
Leaves A Mind Left To Wonder
Where In The World's She Gone
Once A Head Laced In Halos
How Could It Go Wrong?
Comes To Mind,
She Lays Her Head In Flowers And Wine
Maybe Next Time She Will Find
Come To Me, come to me
My Yoke Is Easy
I'll Give You Rest Under-Wing To Breast
Come To Me, Come To Me, Come To Me
My Yoke Is Easy
I'll Give You Rest Under-Wing To Breast
Come To Me The Great Beyond,
A Better Mystery
Than The Life At Hand
Search The Shadows Only To Find A Dry And Weary Land
All The While Oasis Lies Just One Breath Away
Only One Breath Away
It's these little things that give me great comfort and knowledge that God does hear me and he is listening to me. This little thing might not mean a lot to some people, but it mean so much to me and give me hope and faith in him. He reminds me that he is still in control and that I need to fully rely on him. Thank you God for speaking to me in ways that I can understand.
Leaves A Mind Left To Wonder
Where In The World's She Gone
Once A Head Laced In Halos
How Could It Go Wrong?
Comes To Mind,
She Lays Her Head In Flowers And Wine
Maybe Next Time She Will Find
Come To Me, come to me
My Yoke Is Easy
I'll Give You Rest Under-Wing To Breast
Come To Me, Come To Me, Come To Me
My Yoke Is Easy
I'll Give You Rest Under-Wing To Breast
Come To Me The Great Beyond,
A Better Mystery
Than The Life At Hand
Search The Shadows Only To Find A Dry And Weary Land
All The While Oasis Lies Just One Breath Away
Only One Breath Away
It's these little things that give me great comfort and knowledge that God does hear me and he is listening to me. This little thing might not mean a lot to some people, but it mean so much to me and give me hope and faith in him. He reminds me that he is still in control and that I need to fully rely on him. Thank you God for speaking to me in ways that I can understand.
Weary
In my earlier post today, I said that I was feeling very tired emotionally. I am just tired of it all. Weary. I just want to stop and throw this burden off of me and continue to walk with out this huge load on me. Last night I was praying and I was telling God that I was afraid that I was going to give up and just quit this whole thing before his timing was right. I am very afraid that I am going to just give up. I want to, but I don't want to. My flesh tells me to quit. That's the easy thing to do, but my soul says to hang on, hang in there. Trust God. I go in and out of my fleshly desires on a daily basis. I think today is a flesh day. I am just a mess. Crying and sad. Ugh... I hate it! I am so tired of this.
I love Biblegateway.com. I know how certain scriptures go, but I don't know where to find them in the Bible. All I have to do is type a word or phrase and there it is. Well, I knew I was looking for the scripture that talks about taking on Jesus's burden. His yoke is light and easy to carry and I found it! Matthew 11:28-30: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
My husband loves to write. A few years ago I bought him a journal and he would write short stories or thoughts in it. He took a lot of pride in his writing and now I know why. I feel so free after writing. I am tempted to let him read my writings. I think he would appreciate them.
I wonder...
I love Biblegateway.com. I know how certain scriptures go, but I don't know where to find them in the Bible. All I have to do is type a word or phrase and there it is. Well, I knew I was looking for the scripture that talks about taking on Jesus's burden. His yoke is light and easy to carry and I found it! Matthew 11:28-30: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
My husband loves to write. A few years ago I bought him a journal and he would write short stories or thoughts in it. He took a lot of pride in his writing and now I know why. I feel so free after writing. I am tempted to let him read my writings. I think he would appreciate them.
I wonder...
Why?
This was the question on my mind this morning when I woke up. Why? Why God? Why is this happening to me? I don't think I have really asked God this question yet. Or at least not with this mind set. Why? What is the purpose? What is the outcome? Why are you allowing me to go through this fire? My husband is the most dear person to me. I trusted him. I believed him. Was I wrong in placing so much faith in him? Was I wrong to love him as much as I did? Did I place him before God? I miss him so much that at times it is truly unbearable and I would rather be dead than to have to continue feeling this hurt.
I am so tired. I am so tired of thinking about him and the what ifs. This morning I got to the point where I was just tired of praying for him. I feel mentally exhausted. Like there is nothing else to pray. I feel like I have prayed everything there is to possibly pray and then repeated and repeated and repeated. I feel like I don't know what to do. That has been the game in my mind since this all started. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. That is all I say... I don't know what to do. I have has so many highs and lows and I am just tired. When will this all end?
When? Why? How? What? Who?
So many unanswered questions... And I am just really hurting right now. I am sitting at my desk at work and just crying. Why? Why now? Why always at work? At least it is only 7:30am and not many people are here. I got through yesterday really good, but now I am just so tired of trying to be strong and live each day for myself. I was born to support my husband. That is what brings me the most joy in life and now that joy is gone. What do I do?
Wait... that is all I can do. Wait...
I am so tired. I am so tired of thinking about him and the what ifs. This morning I got to the point where I was just tired of praying for him. I feel mentally exhausted. Like there is nothing else to pray. I feel like I have prayed everything there is to possibly pray and then repeated and repeated and repeated. I feel like I don't know what to do. That has been the game in my mind since this all started. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. That is all I say... I don't know what to do. I have has so many highs and lows and I am just tired. When will this all end?
When? Why? How? What? Who?
So many unanswered questions... And I am just really hurting right now. I am sitting at my desk at work and just crying. Why? Why now? Why always at work? At least it is only 7:30am and not many people are here. I got through yesterday really good, but now I am just so tired of trying to be strong and live each day for myself. I was born to support my husband. That is what brings me the most joy in life and now that joy is gone. What do I do?
Wait... that is all I can do. Wait...
Thursday, June 26, 2008
More Thoughts
I am missing him pretty hardcore right now. I wish things were better now. I wish I could be looking forward to a nice anniversary dinner tonight. I wish I could go home and he would be there waiting for me like usual.
But that isn't my life right now... My life right now is a praying wife, standing in the gap for my husband who is in a bad place right now. I claim my marriage and I claim my husband. I speak life, health, love, compassion, forgivness, joy, happiness and understanding into marriage. I claim a marriage that defies what the world has to say about a marriage. I pray a supernatural marriage between me and my husband. Romans 4: 17: "Speak those things that aren't as though they are."
Claim and speak of a restored marriage!
But that isn't my life right now... My life right now is a praying wife, standing in the gap for my husband who is in a bad place right now. I claim my marriage and I claim my husband. I speak life, health, love, compassion, forgivness, joy, happiness and understanding into marriage. I claim a marriage that defies what the world has to say about a marriage. I pray a supernatural marriage between me and my husband. Romans 4: 17: "Speak those things that aren't as though they are."
Claim and speak of a restored marriage!
For My Husband - When the Time is Right
2 Timothy 1:3-4
Every time I say your name in prayer—which is practically all the time—I thank God for you, the God I worship with my whole life in the tradition of my ancestors. I miss you a lot, especially when I remember that last tearful good-bye, and I look forward to a joy-packed reunion.
Every time I say your name in prayer—which is practically all the time—I thank God for you, the God I worship with my whole life in the tradition of my ancestors. I miss you a lot, especially when I remember that last tearful good-bye, and I look forward to a joy-packed reunion.
Amazing
God is so amazing. So, I have set my home page to use iGoogle and here you can change so many different features and display practically anything from games, to pictures, to jokes, to The White Pages. You chose what you want to see on your home page. Well, I have chosen to have a scripture a day displayed front and center and today's verse was 2 Timothy 3:14-17 which reads:
"But don't let it faze you. Stick with what you learned and believed, sure of the integrity of your teachers—why, you took in the sacred Scriptures with your mother's milk! There's nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God's way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us."
I have found myself questioning if the scripts brought to my heart mean what I interpret them to mean or am I just bending them to fit what I am going through and making them mean something what I want them to mean. God's word has life and the beauty of his words is that they are flexible to all situations that life throws at us. His word isn't so rigid that there is only one verse in the Bible for me. There are many, many verses that lead me to have hope and faith in my life.
It's like his word is the "one size fits all" t-shirt at the flea market. No matter how big or how small our situation is, his words fits perfectly into our lives and we couldn't ask for a more perfect fit.
He knows us. He made us. He knows where we are in life and what in his "one size fits all" words look best on us and work in our lives.
Like I said, amazing...
"But don't let it faze you. Stick with what you learned and believed, sure of the integrity of your teachers—why, you took in the sacred Scriptures with your mother's milk! There's nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God's way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us."
I have found myself questioning if the scripts brought to my heart mean what I interpret them to mean or am I just bending them to fit what I am going through and making them mean something what I want them to mean. God's word has life and the beauty of his words is that they are flexible to all situations that life throws at us. His word isn't so rigid that there is only one verse in the Bible for me. There are many, many verses that lead me to have hope and faith in my life.
It's like his word is the "one size fits all" t-shirt at the flea market. No matter how big or how small our situation is, his words fits perfectly into our lives and we couldn't ask for a more perfect fit.
He knows us. He made us. He knows where we are in life and what in his "one size fits all" words look best on us and work in our lives.
Like I said, amazing...
Fourth
Today is our fourth anniversary. It's a powerful day for many ways. I woke this morning remembering right away that today was June 26th. As I started praying still half asleep God reminded me of this: "This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."
After remembering this hymn, I went to Biblegateway.com and looked up that scripture and it comes from Psalm 118. It says:
1-4 Thank God because he's good, because his love never quits.
Tell the world, Israel,
"His love never quits."
And you, clan of Aaron, tell the world,
"His love never quits."
And you who fear God, join in,
"His love never quits."
5-16 Pushed to the wall, I called to God;
from the wide open spaces, he answered.
God's now at my side and I'm not afraid;
who would dare lay a hand on me?
God's my strong champion;
I flick off my enemies like flies.
Far better to take refuge in God
than trust in people;
Far better to take refuge in God
than trust in celebrities.
Hemmed in by barbarians,
in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt;
Hemmed in and with no way out,
in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt;
Like swarming bees, like wild prairie fire, they hemmed me in;
in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt.
I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall,
when God grabbed and held me.
God's my strength, he's also my song,
and now he's my salvation.
Hear the shouts, hear the triumph songs
in the camp of the saved?
The hand of God has turned the tide!
The hand of God is raised in victory!
The hand of God has turned the tide!"
17-20 I didn't die. I lived!
And now I'm telling the world what God did.
God tested me, he pushed me hard,
but he didn't hand me over to Death.
Swing wide the city gates—the righteous gates!
I'll walk right through and thank God!
This Temple Gate belongs to God,
so the victors can enter and praise.
21-25 Thank you for responding to me;
you've truly become my salvation!
The stone the masons discarded as flawed
is now the capstone!
This is God's work.
We rub our eyes—we can hardly believe it!
This is the very day God acted—
let's celebrate and be festive!
Salvation now, God. Salvation now!
Oh yes, God—a free and full life!
26-29 Blessed are you who enter in God's name—
from God's house we bless you!
God is God,
he has bathed us in light.
Festoon the shrine with garlands,
hang colored banners above the altar!
You're my God, and I thank you.
O my God, I lift high your praise.
Thank God—he's so good.
His love never quits!
Again, I am blown away but God's grace and touch. Today is a powerful day. It is the day four years ago that my husband and I were married in the sight of God and two flesh became one.
I was talking to God about if I should fast or not and what I should fast from. Yesterday I thought that maybe I should fast today and at the time I didn't think much of it. I just said "No, I can't do that. I am having dinner with friends tomorrow night." Then later in the evening it came to my mind again, but this time I was reminded that it was our anniversary and what better day to fast and pray than on our wedding anniversary. Ok God, you win. I get it. I am just trying to remember what this day stands for in my life and my husbands life and pray that he will remember it and feel it.
We had a great wedding day. It was perfect weather with perfect temperatures for a late June wedding. Everything went so smoothly. I can't remember one hicup in any of the days events. My husband was sick that day though. I didn't even realize it! He was getting a head cold and was pretty stuffy, but he didn't tell me that until we got into the car to drive to the reception. It was a great day.
I love my husband very much and through all of this that has been going on I feel that my love has only grown stronger, more determined. I keep saying that this current version of my husband isn't him. This isn't who I married four years ago. This is a facade that only looks like him, but his words and actions are not him what so ever. I have known him since he was young and the husband I know is very loving, sensitive and compassionate. This current form is hard, unloving and insensitive. Weird.
God has really been showing himself to me and again last night I was praying right before I feel asleep and it was impressed on me that we hadn't kept God in the middle of our marriage. He started their when we exchanged our marriage vows four years ago, but we didn't keep him there. We sort of got busy with life, jobs, finances, family and falling away from church. He started in the middle, but we didn't keep him in the middle. And for that I repent. I am sorry, that it took this horribly tragic turn of events in our marriage for me to realize this. But last night when that was brought to my mind, I immediately began to pray that God would lock himself back in the middle of our marriage and that we never forget that that is his rightful place. We need him to be the center, really holding things together.
The world may look at us and think that their is no hope. But God! But God is on my side and I am reminded of the verse Romans 8:31 "If God be for us, who can be against us?" The world will write off my marriage in a heartbeat, but God is for me and even if the entire world is against me they will not stand against God and his perfect will. My husband is my husband and no one else's. God wants us to be together. We are stronger together then separated and God will bring our marriage back from the dead, just like Jesus was risen from the dead. I have faith the size of a mustard seed....
After remembering this hymn, I went to Biblegateway.com and looked up that scripture and it comes from Psalm 118. It says:
1-4 Thank God because he's good, because his love never quits.
Tell the world, Israel,
"His love never quits."
And you, clan of Aaron, tell the world,
"His love never quits."
And you who fear God, join in,
"His love never quits."
5-16 Pushed to the wall, I called to God;
from the wide open spaces, he answered.
God's now at my side and I'm not afraid;
who would dare lay a hand on me?
God's my strong champion;
I flick off my enemies like flies.
Far better to take refuge in God
than trust in people;
Far better to take refuge in God
than trust in celebrities.
Hemmed in by barbarians,
in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt;
Hemmed in and with no way out,
in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt;
Like swarming bees, like wild prairie fire, they hemmed me in;
in God's name I rubbed their faces in the dirt.
I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall,
when God grabbed and held me.
God's my strength, he's also my song,
and now he's my salvation.
Hear the shouts, hear the triumph songs
in the camp of the saved?
The hand of God has turned the tide!
The hand of God is raised in victory!
The hand of God has turned the tide!"
17-20 I didn't die. I lived!
And now I'm telling the world what God did.
God tested me, he pushed me hard,
but he didn't hand me over to Death.
Swing wide the city gates—the righteous gates!
I'll walk right through and thank God!
This Temple Gate belongs to God,
so the victors can enter and praise.
21-25 Thank you for responding to me;
you've truly become my salvation!
The stone the masons discarded as flawed
is now the capstone!
This is God's work.
We rub our eyes—we can hardly believe it!
This is the very day God acted—
let's celebrate and be festive!
Salvation now, God. Salvation now!
Oh yes, God—a free and full life!
26-29 Blessed are you who enter in God's name—
from God's house we bless you!
God is God,
he has bathed us in light.
Festoon the shrine with garlands,
hang colored banners above the altar!
You're my God, and I thank you.
O my God, I lift high your praise.
Thank God—he's so good.
His love never quits!
Again, I am blown away but God's grace and touch. Today is a powerful day. It is the day four years ago that my husband and I were married in the sight of God and two flesh became one.
I was talking to God about if I should fast or not and what I should fast from. Yesterday I thought that maybe I should fast today and at the time I didn't think much of it. I just said "No, I can't do that. I am having dinner with friends tomorrow night." Then later in the evening it came to my mind again, but this time I was reminded that it was our anniversary and what better day to fast and pray than on our wedding anniversary. Ok God, you win. I get it. I am just trying to remember what this day stands for in my life and my husbands life and pray that he will remember it and feel it.
We had a great wedding day. It was perfect weather with perfect temperatures for a late June wedding. Everything went so smoothly. I can't remember one hicup in any of the days events. My husband was sick that day though. I didn't even realize it! He was getting a head cold and was pretty stuffy, but he didn't tell me that until we got into the car to drive to the reception. It was a great day.
I love my husband very much and through all of this that has been going on I feel that my love has only grown stronger, more determined. I keep saying that this current version of my husband isn't him. This isn't who I married four years ago. This is a facade that only looks like him, but his words and actions are not him what so ever. I have known him since he was young and the husband I know is very loving, sensitive and compassionate. This current form is hard, unloving and insensitive. Weird.
God has really been showing himself to me and again last night I was praying right before I feel asleep and it was impressed on me that we hadn't kept God in the middle of our marriage. He started their when we exchanged our marriage vows four years ago, but we didn't keep him there. We sort of got busy with life, jobs, finances, family and falling away from church. He started in the middle, but we didn't keep him in the middle. And for that I repent. I am sorry, that it took this horribly tragic turn of events in our marriage for me to realize this. But last night when that was brought to my mind, I immediately began to pray that God would lock himself back in the middle of our marriage and that we never forget that that is his rightful place. We need him to be the center, really holding things together.
The world may look at us and think that their is no hope. But God! But God is on my side and I am reminded of the verse Romans 8:31 "If God be for us, who can be against us?" The world will write off my marriage in a heartbeat, but God is for me and even if the entire world is against me they will not stand against God and his perfect will. My husband is my husband and no one else's. God wants us to be together. We are stronger together then separated and God will bring our marriage back from the dead, just like Jesus was risen from the dead. I have faith the size of a mustard seed....
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Answer to Prayer
I was just telling God that I was feeling sad and He answered me immediately with a script. It is Nehemiah 8:10 "So don't be sad. The joy of the Lord makes you strong."
Wow...
He really does hear me, doesn't he?
Wow...
He really does hear me, doesn't he?
Feeling a Little Sad
I don't know why, but at the moment I am feeling a little sad. Sort of down in the dumps a little. Each minute of each day brings a new emotional swing. Since I cut things off with my husband it has gotten better. I don't anticipate hearing from him or seeing him and so that has helped my emotions get back on track a little. I just miss him that's all...
It's been 8 days since I last saw or spoke to him. For the past 10 years I am used to seeing him on a very regular basis if not daily. And also talking with him numerous times a day. So going cold turkey hasn't been easy. I am amazed at how well I am doing considering everything that has happened over the past 2 months.
Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary and I just pray that I can get through the day without much emotional reaction. I am not counting on any interaction or communication from him. I don't know how he will feel or what he will think tomorrow, but I pray that his mind is filled with thoughts of me and our life together. That's all I can ask for right now...
It's been 8 days since I last saw or spoke to him. For the past 10 years I am used to seeing him on a very regular basis if not daily. And also talking with him numerous times a day. So going cold turkey hasn't been easy. I am amazed at how well I am doing considering everything that has happened over the past 2 months.
Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary and I just pray that I can get through the day without much emotional reaction. I am not counting on any interaction or communication from him. I don't know how he will feel or what he will think tomorrow, but I pray that his mind is filled with thoughts of me and our life together. That's all I can ask for right now...
Change Is Coming
Change...this thought has been going through my mind ever since the day my husband told me that he had cheated on me. He would say "I feel like I am changing" and that he felt like I would never change. True, I am not one to willingly volunteer to make any sort of change. I am steady, routine type person who cringes at the thought of change. But now that my life has completely shattered, change is inevitable. If I like it or not, my life has changed, my husband has changed, I have changed.
I bought that book "The Power of a Praying Wife" and the very first chapter was about change. Not changing my husband, but changing me. Changing my thought process, actions, words. Letting God in my life and humbling myself to him so that he can change me and then it will be like a domino effect. Give myself to him and be willing to see my short comings and my imperfections and then I will truly be able to pray for my husband and know and understand what to pray for him.
In the first chapter it talked about finding what is holding you back. What sins are in your life that might hinder God's movement. Selfishness? Anger? Unforgivness? As I was reading through their few examples of what could slow the movement of God, I searched my heart. I don't think I have hate or unforgivness toward my husband. I really, honestly don't. I want to love him and I want to forgive him. So, what then? What was holding me back from truly giving myself to God? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks... doubt, fear and worry. Those three concepts have totally wrecked me in the past. I am a worrier. Can't help it. I just worry and I know that that really bothered my husband. He hated it! And now I hate it too! I don't want to worry about what the next day is going to bring. I am tired of worrying and doubting if God can actually save my marriage. FAITH! Have faith the size of a mustard seed. Know that God wants my marriage to work more than I do. He brought us together for a reason and his way is perfect. I have given too much of my life to worry.
Matthew 6:30-33 says it like this: "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
I want to change. I am willing to change. Change me, Lord. Here I am. Change me. Change me so I fully trust you and your actions. Change me so I do not worry about what is to come. Change me so I can lay all of my worries at your feet and know that you will take care of them. Change me so that I can be a powerful wife in prayer for my husband so that nothing holds me back. Change me so that I can have the authority and strength to see him through this. Change me so that our marriage is better, more full than I ever thought possible. Change me so I can pray effectively, without any hindrances. Change me, Lord. I am now willing and I fully lay myself at your feet to be changed. It may be uncomfortable, but I know in the end the results will be worth it. Just like giving birth, it's labor pains for the moment only to have a beautifully made being at the end. Change me, Lord...
I bought that book "The Power of a Praying Wife" and the very first chapter was about change. Not changing my husband, but changing me. Changing my thought process, actions, words. Letting God in my life and humbling myself to him so that he can change me and then it will be like a domino effect. Give myself to him and be willing to see my short comings and my imperfections and then I will truly be able to pray for my husband and know and understand what to pray for him.
In the first chapter it talked about finding what is holding you back. What sins are in your life that might hinder God's movement. Selfishness? Anger? Unforgivness? As I was reading through their few examples of what could slow the movement of God, I searched my heart. I don't think I have hate or unforgivness toward my husband. I really, honestly don't. I want to love him and I want to forgive him. So, what then? What was holding me back from truly giving myself to God? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks... doubt, fear and worry. Those three concepts have totally wrecked me in the past. I am a worrier. Can't help it. I just worry and I know that that really bothered my husband. He hated it! And now I hate it too! I don't want to worry about what the next day is going to bring. I am tired of worrying and doubting if God can actually save my marriage. FAITH! Have faith the size of a mustard seed. Know that God wants my marriage to work more than I do. He brought us together for a reason and his way is perfect. I have given too much of my life to worry.
Matthew 6:30-33 says it like this: "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
I want to change. I am willing to change. Change me, Lord. Here I am. Change me. Change me so I fully trust you and your actions. Change me so I do not worry about what is to come. Change me so I can lay all of my worries at your feet and know that you will take care of them. Change me so that I can be a powerful wife in prayer for my husband so that nothing holds me back. Change me so that I can have the authority and strength to see him through this. Change me so that our marriage is better, more full than I ever thought possible. Change me so I can pray effectively, without any hindrances. Change me, Lord. I am now willing and I fully lay myself at your feet to be changed. It may be uncomfortable, but I know in the end the results will be worth it. Just like giving birth, it's labor pains for the moment only to have a beautifully made being at the end. Change me, Lord...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Strength Arising
Again this morning I woke with the thought that God's grace and mercy is renewed each day. What does that mean? I am not sure, but I'll take it. I was praying this morning and was reminded of this book I saw along time ago that caught my eye at the time. It is called "Power of a Praying Wife" and it's by Stormie Omartian. I haven't read it yet, but I went to her website and read an except and it feels very encouraging and directed right at me. I think I am going to try and find it on my lunch break at the Family Christian Bookstore.
Also this morning while I was driving to work, I was thinking and praying and a thought occurred to me. I feel like I have no chance at really winning my husband back. Like he is gone forever and I should just face it. But God told me that I should have hope and not dispair because I have him on my side and nothing can stand against him. Nothing! He sees and knows everything and is in control. I have the greatest strength and power in my court. God is in my corner and he doesn't want my husband out there wondering the streets and being with any girl. He wants me and him together. We are one and he made us for each other. I have never, ever doubted that my husband wasn't made for me. We are just one of the blessed ones that found each other when we did.
Each day I find new strength and take heart that God has a great plan for my life and an even greater calling that I hadn't even realized until all this has happened. I always thought that I would be a wife and mother with a good job, nice house and great husband. But now I feel that there is so much more that he wants out of me. Much, much more that I don't understand or know. But I do know that I want what God has for me. My mind is filled with thoughts of what is to come, but I need to take comfort that if I out myself into his hands then what is to come is his will, not mine. That is a scary thought at time, but also very exciting. God has a plan for, for my husband and for our marriage and our life together. There are so many pieces to his great puzzle, but put together, it makes a beautifully intricate puzzle that God has orchestrated from the beginning of time.
With each new day, comes new strength... maybe that's what "God's grace and mercy is renewed each day."
Also this morning while I was driving to work, I was thinking and praying and a thought occurred to me. I feel like I have no chance at really winning my husband back. Like he is gone forever and I should just face it. But God told me that I should have hope and not dispair because I have him on my side and nothing can stand against him. Nothing! He sees and knows everything and is in control. I have the greatest strength and power in my court. God is in my corner and he doesn't want my husband out there wondering the streets and being with any girl. He wants me and him together. We are one and he made us for each other. I have never, ever doubted that my husband wasn't made for me. We are just one of the blessed ones that found each other when we did.
Each day I find new strength and take heart that God has a great plan for my life and an even greater calling that I hadn't even realized until all this has happened. I always thought that I would be a wife and mother with a good job, nice house and great husband. But now I feel that there is so much more that he wants out of me. Much, much more that I don't understand or know. But I do know that I want what God has for me. My mind is filled with thoughts of what is to come, but I need to take comfort that if I out myself into his hands then what is to come is his will, not mine. That is a scary thought at time, but also very exciting. God has a plan for, for my husband and for our marriage and our life together. There are so many pieces to his great puzzle, but put together, it makes a beautifully intricate puzzle that God has orchestrated from the beginning of time.
With each new day, comes new strength... maybe that's what "God's grace and mercy is renewed each day."
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thoughts
Was I a good wife? Did I make my husband happy? Why did he ask me to marry him if he didn't mean forever? What did I do to make push him away? What do I do now? How do I breathe? How do I love? Can I really forgive him? Will I become a better person from this life changing experience? Will I ever stop thinking about him? Will he love me again? Will I love him again? Will I become bitter from this? Will I be able to make myself whole again? What will I look like once I am out of the fire? When will he come to reality? Will I gain my concentraion back? Will I be happy again? Will I be able to work on myself? Can I focus on my needs alone right now and not his? Will I feel important to him again? Will he make me feel beautiful? Will he make me feel wanted? Will he care about me again? Why is he doing this?...
Blindness
This morning I found it particularly hard to get out of bed this morning. I woke to this beautiful bird singing to the sunrise and the thought that God's mercy and grace renews everyday, but it was the thought of facing another day that was difficult. Anther day to think and think and think about my hsuband and my life now and what's to come. Very scary...
But I began to pray for him. Yesterday's church service was about having a renewed mind and seeing God for who he is and where he is. The Message Bible puts it this way:
"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."
This, I think, really speaks to me and where I am in life. My husbands mind needs to be renewed daily, but mine does too. He doesn't realize what is going on right now. He doesn't understand it and doesn't understand why he is feeling this way. I began to pray that his mind be renewed and that he would begin to see God all around him and feel him in everything he does. But I, too, need to see and feel God in my life. I need my mind renewed daily. I am human and I tend to focus on the world and what is going on around me in my daily life.
But this verse also ties into 2 Corinthians 4:18:
"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. "
I need to focus on what is happening behind the scenes. Whenever life feels like it is getting too out of control or unbearable, I need to take comfort that in the hardest times of life, that is where and when things begin to grow and change. That is when the best change of all comes from and it come straight from God. At that time, I need to bear down and just get through it and thank God for choosing me and my husband to got through this as a couple. Something great is going to come out of this whole ordeal. RESTORATION! Just like Job was restored, so will our marriage.
Focus on the unseen... It's what really matters. Look beyond today. See what tomorrow will bring...
My prayer today comes from a great song sang by Hillsong. It's called "From the Inside Out" and the lyrics are this:
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you controlConsume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside outChorus
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fadesNever ending, Your glory goes beyond all fameAnd the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
Lord, change me from the inside out. Even though I can't see the inside, change it. Make it yours to bring you glory and honor. I am willing to be made willing. Even though I can't see it, I trust you and your plan you have for my life.
But I began to pray for him. Yesterday's church service was about having a renewed mind and seeing God for who he is and where he is. The Message Bible puts it this way:
"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."
This, I think, really speaks to me and where I am in life. My husbands mind needs to be renewed daily, but mine does too. He doesn't realize what is going on right now. He doesn't understand it and doesn't understand why he is feeling this way. I began to pray that his mind be renewed and that he would begin to see God all around him and feel him in everything he does. But I, too, need to see and feel God in my life. I need my mind renewed daily. I am human and I tend to focus on the world and what is going on around me in my daily life.
But this verse also ties into 2 Corinthians 4:18:
"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. "
I need to focus on what is happening behind the scenes. Whenever life feels like it is getting too out of control or unbearable, I need to take comfort that in the hardest times of life, that is where and when things begin to grow and change. That is when the best change of all comes from and it come straight from God. At that time, I need to bear down and just get through it and thank God for choosing me and my husband to got through this as a couple. Something great is going to come out of this whole ordeal. RESTORATION! Just like Job was restored, so will our marriage.
Focus on the unseen... It's what really matters. Look beyond today. See what tomorrow will bring...
My prayer today comes from a great song sang by Hillsong. It's called "From the Inside Out" and the lyrics are this:
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you controlConsume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside outChorus
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fadesNever ending, Your glory goes beyond all fameAnd the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
Lord, change me from the inside out. Even though I can't see the inside, change it. Make it yours to bring you glory and honor. I am willing to be made willing. Even though I can't see it, I trust you and your plan you have for my life.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Can't Concentrate
I am starting to get sick with a head cold and so I am really not feeling well right now. Just weak and no energy and a runny nose... ugh!
Of course I am constantly thinking about my hubby and where he is and what he is thinking at this moment. Is he happy that I cut him off? Is he reflecting on his actions and what lead to this? Is he said? Depressed? Elated? Stressed? Angry? Indifferent? I wish I knew. I pray that his mind is filled with thoughts of me and our life together. I pray that he can't get comfortable in this new life he is leading. I pray for a clear mind and that God would reconnect his mind to his heart so that he can feel again.
Is this really the life he wants? To know that he cheated on his lovely wife? To know that he once was happy and now he is just numb? To know that he is letting the best wife, friends and family slip right through his fingers? To know that in one day he has lost so much? It this really what he wants out of life? Does he really think that he can take her home to meet his parents and his family? Does he really think that everyone is just going to accept her and his actions against me? I don't deserve this. I know I don't. I was good to him. I wasn't perfect. I have my own flaws, but overall, I know that I was a good wife to him and that he was happy with me and out marriage. It was only when she came into the picture did he completely flip-flop and begin to question everything that meant something to him. What kind of person is she for putting those thoughts into his head. But what kind of person is he if willing accepts it? Weak... a weak person who wants everyone to accept him and love him and be his friend. He wants to be where all of the fun and excitement is no matter what it looks like. Unfortunately, he is a follower. Wants to be liked by all will do crazy things to get them to like him. This was and has been apparent ever since he was a little boy. I feel sorry for him wanting to be accepted so badly that at the moment he has thrown everything away. That makes me sad...
Of course I am constantly thinking about my hubby and where he is and what he is thinking at this moment. Is he happy that I cut him off? Is he reflecting on his actions and what lead to this? Is he said? Depressed? Elated? Stressed? Angry? Indifferent? I wish I knew. I pray that his mind is filled with thoughts of me and our life together. I pray that he can't get comfortable in this new life he is leading. I pray for a clear mind and that God would reconnect his mind to his heart so that he can feel again.
Is this really the life he wants? To know that he cheated on his lovely wife? To know that he once was happy and now he is just numb? To know that he is letting the best wife, friends and family slip right through his fingers? To know that in one day he has lost so much? It this really what he wants out of life? Does he really think that he can take her home to meet his parents and his family? Does he really think that everyone is just going to accept her and his actions against me? I don't deserve this. I know I don't. I was good to him. I wasn't perfect. I have my own flaws, but overall, I know that I was a good wife to him and that he was happy with me and out marriage. It was only when she came into the picture did he completely flip-flop and begin to question everything that meant something to him. What kind of person is she for putting those thoughts into his head. But what kind of person is he if willing accepts it? Weak... a weak person who wants everyone to accept him and love him and be his friend. He wants to be where all of the fun and excitement is no matter what it looks like. Unfortunately, he is a follower. Wants to be liked by all will do crazy things to get them to like him. This was and has been apparent ever since he was a little boy. I feel sorry for him wanting to be accepted so badly that at the moment he has thrown everything away. That makes me sad...
Day Two
I know I shouldn't be counting the days, but right now that is all I can do. My sister said that each day that passes, it's one day closer to him coming home and us restoring our marriage. Tick... tick... tick... goes the second hand on the clock. Tick... tick... tick... three more seconds closer to him coming back home. Tick... tick... tick...
I miss him. I love him. *sigh*....
Anyway, I have decided to volunteer at the human society to help fill some of my free time and to actually feel like I am contributing to something, rather than just laying around all the time. I went to orientation last night and I wanted to cry seeing all of those unwanted animals there. But, I came to the conclusion that we are just alike. Loved and adored at one time in our life and then thrown away with a note stuck to us that reads "unwanted" written by the person they trusted the most. Their owner and companion. So, at least I can make them feel loved and wanted and they can make me feel loved and wanted. I am thankful for my little pound puppy. I got him at the humane society 2 years ago and he really is the greatest little guy. He makes me feel wanted and loved and that is exactly what I need when I come home at night.
I have been thinking a lot about my actions on Tuesday and Wednesday and can't help to wonder what was going through his mind. What did he think when he opened our apartment door and saw everything gone? What did he think when our puppy wasn't there to greet him? What did he think when I gave him all of the bills and his checking account? In one day, he truly lost nearly everything. His home, his stuff, his dog, his wife, his family. But not by my choice. It was his choice to have this affair. His choice to cheat on me. His choice to move out. His choice to not acknowledge me as his wife. His choice not to work things out when I gave him so many opportunities. His choice. Not mine. If I had my choice, we would be living together in our apartment with our stuff with our dog. Happy. Loving. Working things through. Seeing a counselor. But he didn't want that and I have to take care of myself and our puppy now. I am still very willing to work things out with him. I want to work things out with him. I love him. But I started to see myself as one of those abused wives. Their husband beat them and yell at them, but they keep going back for more. It's a horrible cycle and that was what I felt I had been doing with Ben. Ignore him, call him, talk to him, cry at him, yell at him, ignore him, call him, talk to him, cry at him, yell at him, ignore him... Over and over and over that last 7 weeks. I had to stop it. We weren't getting anywhere and I was just being abused by his careless words and actions each time I tried to get him to see what really was going on.
I don't know what the future holds, but I am hopeful. He is a great man and a great man of God. I know that we will have a great ministry come from our experiences that will help so many people in our exact situation. I tell God that I am expecting great things to come from this horrible time in our lives and I know he will deliver.
I miss him. I love him. *sigh*....
Anyway, I have decided to volunteer at the human society to help fill some of my free time and to actually feel like I am contributing to something, rather than just laying around all the time. I went to orientation last night and I wanted to cry seeing all of those unwanted animals there. But, I came to the conclusion that we are just alike. Loved and adored at one time in our life and then thrown away with a note stuck to us that reads "unwanted" written by the person they trusted the most. Their owner and companion. So, at least I can make them feel loved and wanted and they can make me feel loved and wanted. I am thankful for my little pound puppy. I got him at the humane society 2 years ago and he really is the greatest little guy. He makes me feel wanted and loved and that is exactly what I need when I come home at night.
I have been thinking a lot about my actions on Tuesday and Wednesday and can't help to wonder what was going through his mind. What did he think when he opened our apartment door and saw everything gone? What did he think when our puppy wasn't there to greet him? What did he think when I gave him all of the bills and his checking account? In one day, he truly lost nearly everything. His home, his stuff, his dog, his wife, his family. But not by my choice. It was his choice to have this affair. His choice to cheat on me. His choice to move out. His choice to not acknowledge me as his wife. His choice not to work things out when I gave him so many opportunities. His choice. Not mine. If I had my choice, we would be living together in our apartment with our stuff with our dog. Happy. Loving. Working things through. Seeing a counselor. But he didn't want that and I have to take care of myself and our puppy now. I am still very willing to work things out with him. I want to work things out with him. I love him. But I started to see myself as one of those abused wives. Their husband beat them and yell at them, but they keep going back for more. It's a horrible cycle and that was what I felt I had been doing with Ben. Ignore him, call him, talk to him, cry at him, yell at him, ignore him, call him, talk to him, cry at him, yell at him, ignore him... Over and over and over that last 7 weeks. I had to stop it. We weren't getting anywhere and I was just being abused by his careless words and actions each time I tried to get him to see what really was going on.
I don't know what the future holds, but I am hopeful. He is a great man and a great man of God. I know that we will have a great ministry come from our experiences that will help so many people in our exact situation. I tell God that I am expecting great things to come from this horrible time in our lives and I know he will deliver.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A New Day
Well, it's official. Hubby and I are separated, not legally. Just a self imposed separation. I split all of our money and bills and bank accounts. I even moved out of our apartment. I dumped all of this information on him yesterday afternoon and I think he was caught by surprise, which is a good thing. I didn't want him to expect anything. He thought that I would need his money until the end of July, but I had to cut ties with him for now. It was much too painful to continue talking to him through e-mails, text messages and phone conversations. He wasn't willing to give me a chance and I had to quit subjecting myself to his words and actions. It is what he ultimaetly wanted and so I gave it to him, but on my terms. When I met with him yesterday he just wept and didn't say much of anything. I was quite surprised by his reaction. Before he left I told him "Happy Anniversary." We were married on June 26 and our 4th anniversary is next week. Also before he left I prayed over him. I have really gotten a boldness to pray over him and I hope it shows him my faith and love that God and I have for him.
Last night I finished packing our apartment with my mom. I need to go back and paint and clean it, but I don't have to be out there until June 30 so I have a few days. Then my next apartment will be ready on July 25 and I am excited about it. I have never lived on my own, but I really think it will give me some confidence and encouragement.
After I got back to my sisters house I began to straigten my room and unpack my clothes and I just felt free. Weird. I felt relaxed and free. I guess it's the thought that my hubby really is in God's hands now. I am not going to talk to him and I am not going to continue to ask him to come back to me. I have tried. Lord knows I have tried so hard over the past 7 weeks, but maybe this is what God wanted me to do all along. To truly let go and let God. He is no longer any responsibility of mine. He has his own money and bills and he is a big boy so he can take care of himself. It's funny, but he is kind of homeless right now. He is living with her, but that isn't home. He doesn't go to see his parents much so that isn't home. And I just moved our home to make it my home (it will be our home when he returns, of course.) I pray that this move was truly a wake up call and reality check for him. I didn't know what else to do right now. I didn't kick him out. He left and took all of his sutff with him. I asked him mulitple times to come back, but he said that he wasn't going to leave her. So now what? I have to protect myself and my emotions and move on. That is all I can do right now. I will wait for him. I love him and I want to be his wife and I want to have our children and I want to grow old with him. I know he is a great man and that he is hurting so badly right now, but honestly his mind and his heart aren't connected.
A friend of ours called and talked with him and he told her that he wasn't cheating on me or having an affair. That this was supposed to happen and that he wasn't acutally cheating on me since I knew what was going on. What? What is he thinking? Just because I know what he is doing and where he is and who he is with, that makes it ok and justified? This statment really helps me to see where his mind is right now and anyone with half a brian would call this an affair. I am parying that that deception in his mind would break and that he would see the truth for what it is. He is still a married man and has a responsibility to me and our marriage. He just doesn't see it like that right now and that blows me away.
Last night I finished packing our apartment with my mom. I need to go back and paint and clean it, but I don't have to be out there until June 30 so I have a few days. Then my next apartment will be ready on July 25 and I am excited about it. I have never lived on my own, but I really think it will give me some confidence and encouragement.
After I got back to my sisters house I began to straigten my room and unpack my clothes and I just felt free. Weird. I felt relaxed and free. I guess it's the thought that my hubby really is in God's hands now. I am not going to talk to him and I am not going to continue to ask him to come back to me. I have tried. Lord knows I have tried so hard over the past 7 weeks, but maybe this is what God wanted me to do all along. To truly let go and let God. He is no longer any responsibility of mine. He has his own money and bills and he is a big boy so he can take care of himself. It's funny, but he is kind of homeless right now. He is living with her, but that isn't home. He doesn't go to see his parents much so that isn't home. And I just moved our home to make it my home (it will be our home when he returns, of course.) I pray that this move was truly a wake up call and reality check for him. I didn't know what else to do right now. I didn't kick him out. He left and took all of his sutff with him. I asked him mulitple times to come back, but he said that he wasn't going to leave her. So now what? I have to protect myself and my emotions and move on. That is all I can do right now. I will wait for him. I love him and I want to be his wife and I want to have our children and I want to grow old with him. I know he is a great man and that he is hurting so badly right now, but honestly his mind and his heart aren't connected.
A friend of ours called and talked with him and he told her that he wasn't cheating on me or having an affair. That this was supposed to happen and that he wasn't acutally cheating on me since I knew what was going on. What? What is he thinking? Just because I know what he is doing and where he is and who he is with, that makes it ok and justified? This statment really helps me to see where his mind is right now and anyone with half a brian would call this an affair. I am parying that that deception in his mind would break and that he would see the truth for what it is. He is still a married man and has a responsibility to me and our marriage. He just doesn't see it like that right now and that blows me away.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Day of Empowerment
I am officially moving on today. I have moved out of my apartment that my hubby and I shared over the last year. He keeps jumping in and out of my life and I have to completely cut any ties with him for now. That means all of our finances and our living arrangements. I have moved in with my sister and her husband for the moment. I have a new apartment lined up, but it won't be ready until July 25.
His actions have really began to take a toll on me. I have lost 17lbs. and my performance at work isn't where it should be and my job could be in jeopardy if I don't get things back on track and soon. I spoke with him briefly yesterday and I still can't get passed the fact that he doesn't hate me, he wants to be my friend and I was a good wife (all of this came directly from him) but he doesn't want to be married to me?
Ugh... I can't think about this right now! I have to work!
His actions have really began to take a toll on me. I have lost 17lbs. and my performance at work isn't where it should be and my job could be in jeopardy if I don't get things back on track and soon. I spoke with him briefly yesterday and I still can't get passed the fact that he doesn't hate me, he wants to be my friend and I was a good wife (all of this came directly from him) but he doesn't want to be married to me?
Ugh... I can't think about this right now! I have to work!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Starting Line
Well, here I am day 49 of living with the thought that my husband of nearly 4 years is having an affair. (We have actually been a couple for 10 years.) It seems like it has been ages and ages and ages since he broke that news to me. I have so many thoughts racing through my head... I have to get them out before I go insane. So many negative thoughts. So many hurtful thoughts. So many confusing thoughts. So many... so many. What? Why? How?... questions I may never get the answers to. All I do all day long is sit at work and think and think and think. My concentration is just shot. I finally had to put away the wedding photo I had of us on my desk. That was a happy day and each day since April 30 has been torturous. Sad, lonely, hurt, confused.
Just how do I deal with my hubby? How do I deal with the fact that I still love and care for him so deeply? I was finally able to get mad at him on Saturday and yell at him. His response? Nothing.
I feel like I am free falling. Just falling with no ground insight and not parachute to slow things down. Helpless. Worthless. Useless. And mad! I have written a few letters to try and express what he is making me go through and that was really very helpful in getting out some of my thoughts and frustrations. That is why I decieded to start a blog. If I couldn't concentrate for the moment at work, then I could at least write and get some sort of clarity.
But really this entire situation doesn't make any sense to me and I need to stop trying to make it make sense. Up until April 30, 2008, I thought I was happily married to the best husband anyone could ever ask for. He was patient, funny, loving, kind, warm, giving, thoughtful and just a really nice guy. From my view point in my head I was happy and he was happy. We didn't argue a lot, our finance were on track, we had a great apartment, good jobs and a great dog. We loved each other's families and had great friends. To me, everything was a-ok. Honestly. I have gone through those few days prior to the world shattering and I thought we were good. Making plans for the summer and going to Michigan and weddings and Memorial Day. Normal everyday life. Then.... BOOM!!! "I cheated on you. It wasn't empty. I love her"... wow. Wait, what? What did you say? What do you mean you cheated? Please, tell me what you mean. It felt like a dream. I wasn't in my body, in my living. I was standing outside looking in and trying to understand what he had just said to me. I collapsed... literally. Fetal position and just cried and cried. You see, with me and my husband we were each others firsts: first b/f g/f, first kiss, first dance, first prom. We even waited for each other until our wedding night. We had only been with each other and I thought that what we had was so special. Unique. And in one night he gave it away to a girl he works with and had only known for a few weeks prior to all of this happening. What in the world? Why would he do this to me? What did I do that was so horrible and worth all of this hurt? He has always told me that I was a wonderful wife and that he loved me and that he was so thankful for me and our marriage. We had just gotten back from a great vacation in Miami and everything was normal!! We had so much fun in Miami and now I can hardly look at the pictures and remember things without going completely insane with sadness.
Why?... that is what I am dealing with now. Why? He is now living with her and refuses to even give me a chance. He refuses to give our marraige a chance. In the 7 weeks since this all has come out we have talked 3 times and I have seen him in person twice. He always says he is too busy and he has completely cut-off all of our family and most of our friends. I am hurting now not only for what he is doing to me, but also for him. He seems so lost and out of touch with reality.
Just how do I deal with my hubby? How do I deal with the fact that I still love and care for him so deeply? I was finally able to get mad at him on Saturday and yell at him. His response? Nothing.
I feel like I am free falling. Just falling with no ground insight and not parachute to slow things down. Helpless. Worthless. Useless. And mad! I have written a few letters to try and express what he is making me go through and that was really very helpful in getting out some of my thoughts and frustrations. That is why I decieded to start a blog. If I couldn't concentrate for the moment at work, then I could at least write and get some sort of clarity.
But really this entire situation doesn't make any sense to me and I need to stop trying to make it make sense. Up until April 30, 2008, I thought I was happily married to the best husband anyone could ever ask for. He was patient, funny, loving, kind, warm, giving, thoughtful and just a really nice guy. From my view point in my head I was happy and he was happy. We didn't argue a lot, our finance were on track, we had a great apartment, good jobs and a great dog. We loved each other's families and had great friends. To me, everything was a-ok. Honestly. I have gone through those few days prior to the world shattering and I thought we were good. Making plans for the summer and going to Michigan and weddings and Memorial Day. Normal everyday life. Then.... BOOM!!! "I cheated on you. It wasn't empty. I love her"... wow. Wait, what? What did you say? What do you mean you cheated? Please, tell me what you mean. It felt like a dream. I wasn't in my body, in my living. I was standing outside looking in and trying to understand what he had just said to me. I collapsed... literally. Fetal position and just cried and cried. You see, with me and my husband we were each others firsts: first b/f g/f, first kiss, first dance, first prom. We even waited for each other until our wedding night. We had only been with each other and I thought that what we had was so special. Unique. And in one night he gave it away to a girl he works with and had only known for a few weeks prior to all of this happening. What in the world? Why would he do this to me? What did I do that was so horrible and worth all of this hurt? He has always told me that I was a wonderful wife and that he loved me and that he was so thankful for me and our marriage. We had just gotten back from a great vacation in Miami and everything was normal!! We had so much fun in Miami and now I can hardly look at the pictures and remember things without going completely insane with sadness.
Why?... that is what I am dealing with now. Why? He is now living with her and refuses to even give me a chance. He refuses to give our marraige a chance. In the 7 weeks since this all has come out we have talked 3 times and I have seen him in person twice. He always says he is too busy and he has completely cut-off all of our family and most of our friends. I am hurting now not only for what he is doing to me, but also for him. He seems so lost and out of touch with reality.
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