I believe I am addicted to journaling and just writing in general. Going through life right now could be so incredibly unbearable, but I have been able to turn to my blog to write. I also have written my husband several letters (he is probably tired of that!), but I really find i incredibly therapeutic. The cheapest therapy in town for me is a notebook, my thoughts and hours upon hours to write! I am not very elegant or graceful with my words. I am just open and honest and hopelessly flawed.
Over the weekend I wrote my husband two letters! Only one of them have I given to him. In that one I really tried to be as open an honest with him as ever. To show him my heart and my naiveness and all of my imperfections, as numberous as they are. I am truly an open book at this moment in time. I don't want to hide or disguise any of my words or emotions any longer. I have been leading a life under cover and now my marriage is suffering from it.
As I am growing and learning about myself through my journals, I have really been able to identify who I am and what makes me tick. I am so complicated and so simple at the same time. I want so much and to do so much, but at the same time I just want to sit back and watch life and the people who are playing through. It is amazing! I do not know every little detail about me and what each strand of my being represents or says about who I am, but I am learning, growing, observing and being rather amused at myself all at the same time. I am delicate as lace, but strong as on ox. I am free and fleeting as a dancing butterfly, but hard and steady as a ships anchor. I am so much and I have so many wonderful things to offer to this world and to my family and to my husband. I am a beautiful person that God so intricately sewed together. He knows who I am and he delights in my new explorations into myself and into him. He is happy when I look deep into who I am and discover him at the core of my being. My life, who I am is an amazing creation that only God could have breathed life into. I was a surprise for my parents, but I am a surprise to myself as well.
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