Coincidence?

Before I got out of bed this morning, I read Psalm 18:

1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.
4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5 The cords of the grave [b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded. [c]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
20 The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
21 For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I have not done evil by turning from my God.
22 All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.
23 I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.
24 The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.
25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
26 to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
27 You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop [d] ;
with my God I can scale a wall.
30 As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
31 For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?
32 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35 You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.
36 You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.
37 I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
38 I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.
39 You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
40 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.
41 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer.
42 I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
I poured them out like mud in the streets.
43 You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations;
people I did not know are subject to me.
44 As soon as they hear me, they obey me;
foreigners cringe before me.
45 They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.
46 The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!
47 He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,
48 who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.
49 Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.
50 He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

It didn't really speak to me that much at the moment. I read through it briefly and started my day and got ready for work. After I was ready and had walked my dog, I had a few more minutes to sit down and read some more in my Bible. I had a little devotional for the day and it was in 2 Samuel and I then remembered a chapter in 2 Samuel that my mom had said was so good and she really enjoyed it. It was 2 Samuel 22. I had tried to remember that chapter yesterday in my reading, but couldn't think of it. I ended up in Romans instead! And when I found it and began reading it this morning, I quickly discovered it is the same as Psalm 18 - what I had just read before getting out of bed this morning! But what the key to all of this is
2 Samuel 22:26:
"To the faithful you show yourself faithful"
and
Psalm 18:25
"To the faithful you show yourself faithful"

I have chanted that over and over. It's become a mantra of sorts for me. I not only have been faithful to my husband, but I have also shown myself faithful to God through all of this nightmare. I have been faithful to Him and not turned my back on Him. I have run towards Him, so hungry for what he wants for me!

Everything

Psalm 24:1
The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;

I came across this verse yesterday in my research and reading and it is so comforting in my life at this moment. It just shows me beyond a shadow of doubt that God is in control of my life and everyone else's for that matter. Everything is His and His alone. No one and nothing can escape the hand of God, not even my husband. He may think he is able to run and hide, but that is not so. I keep thinking to myself "God's got his number" and he really does. It's just a question of when. When? When? When? I don't know, but I do know the clock is tick, tick, ticking...

God is in control and his timing and his will is perfect.

A Love Letter

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you.

Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up.

Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways.

Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.

Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image.

Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being.

Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring.

Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived.

Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation.

Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.

Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live.

Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born.

Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.

John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love.

1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.

1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father.

1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.

Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father.

Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.

James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.

Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.

Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love.

Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.

Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you.

Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession.

Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish youwith all my heart and all my soul.

Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things.

Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.

Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires.

Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.

Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you.

Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.

Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.

Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.

Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.

John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.

John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being.

Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you.

Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.

1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I lovedthat I might gain your love.

Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me.

1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.

Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father.

Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child?

John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you.

Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your DadAlmighty God

Themes

Over the recent weeks, I have been crying out to the Lord and I did again last night and this morning. Lord, bring me justice! Why does it seem like I am the only one suffering? Why isn't there being justice served on my husband and his infidelity? And then I questioned if it was ok to ask for justice and if so where and when?!? This morning I was asking God to please show me something that I can take peace in. Something that tells me He is in control and to, for a moment, put my mind at ease. I had been reading Hebrews 11. It is a great chapter on faith and believing God, but earlier this week I read Hebrews 10 and totally missed this part until I saw it in a new light this morning as I am crying out for justice:


Hebrews 10:26-31
26If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"and again, "The Lord will judge his people."31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.



Others items in the Bible He has shown me related to this are:
Micha 2
The Book of Jeremiah
The Book of Habakkuk

God is in control and he sees everything. He sees my pain and suffering. He hears my cries and my hunger pangs for Him. He see my humble and honest heart laying everything in front of Him. He see my desire to what is right and stay in Him and rely on Him for everything. He also see what my husband is doing. My husband my think that he is running away from everyone and has been able to hid his actions and his heart and his thoughts, but that is not true. God sees. God sees through and through him and his actions and his heart. My husband can't run away from God. God is omni-present. He is all-knowing. If we have accepted Him as our savior is lives in us. We can't run away, even though it feels like we can. God will get us every time and I know He will get my husband. I don't know how or when, but He will. He has promised us that.

Praise

Psalm 34:1
1I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

At the beginning of this nightmare, praising God was the absolute last thing on my mind. I could feel Him nudging me to do so, but I just couldn't. What did I have to be thankful for? What could I possibly prasie God for and earnestly mean it? I felt like I had nothing to be grateful for. My life was falling apart and I was barely making it through the day. But my pitty party is now coming to an end and I now see that I have so much to be grateful for. I can praise Him for all He has done for me. I will praise Him now and forever. He has gotten me through this and I can still smile and be myself.

I praise you Lord for all of your blessings you are pouring out over me. I stand amazed in all that you are doing in my life. You are worthy to be praised and I will praise you! In the good times and in the bad, you are still the same. You are my rock. You are my refuge. I run to you and find shelter in your embrace. I trust you Lord and all your ways. I trust you to lead and guide me during this darkest time in my life. I look only to you for the answers to my many questions. Your praise will be forever on my lips. If you are for me, who can be against me? No one!

Free

Yesterday I had this sense of freedom that I hadn't felt before. The feeling was more of a freedom that is being physically free. I felt free and able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am an adult and at this moment I don't have anyone to answer to. No husband, no kids. It's just me and I can come and go as I please and watch what I want to watch on TV and go to bed when I want to go to bed and eat what I want to. For the first time in 10 years I really started to feel what it felt like to take of myself. In the past, I would say that 95% of the time I bent over backwards for my husband to ensure that he was getting what he needed and wanted. I know that I did whatever it took to support him and encourage him and to help him excel. I know I did. No one can tell me different. And during this time, people have advised me to just take care of myself and do what is best for me. Well, I think I finally know what that feels like and how to do it. I mean, sure this feeling comes and goes. But when it's here I have peace and calmness that is just remarkable. I feel free and that is a priceless feeling.

I am so grateful for everything the Lord has been showing me and waking me each morning and helping me get through each day. He is so worthy to be praised! I just stand in awe of His glory and it is so wonderful to be in His presence. I am so grateful...

Give Thanks

In the midst of my own personal life crisis, God is showing himself to me in ways I couldn't even imagine. There are two themes that continually return to my mind and those are:
1. Believe Him
2. Be thankful
Even though it feels as if I have nothing to live for and there will never come a day that I am truly happy again, I know that realistically that is not true - it just feels true. But I have so much to be thankful for that my current life status is small potatoes to the big picture of what life is and all it has to offer. I am so thankful for everything in my life - everything. I have a car, an apartment, a job, a family. But if I would just take a magnifying glass and look at things at an even smaller, simpler level I have so much more to be thankful for. I have a bed to sleep in. I have a microwave to heat up my food in. I have a DVD player to watch my movies on. I have a hair dryer to dry my hair with. I have a shower and towels to keep me clean. I have clothes to wear. I have glasses to to see with. I have a cell phone to call my loved ones with. I have so much to just sit back and truly thank God for. Sure, I may be in emotional pain right now, but does that really matter in the awesomeness of who God is and what he has blessed me with? It's petty. It's superficial. It isn't worth it. Only knowing and loving and following God is what makes my life worth while. If I am not listening to Him and seeking His will for my life, then what good am I? I am here for a reason and that reason is to be busy about His work. Shining His light into the dark places of peoples lives and giving them hope and peace.

At the moment I feel very content and excited about what my future holds. I am excited to see what God's plan is for me - what my "greater yes" is.

Hungry

I am so hungry for God's presence in my life. I missed my quiet time with Him this morning (I forgot to set alarm clock!) and I am missing it so much right now. At least I have my Bible study tonight. He is so amazing! Since my life has been turned upside down I have last over 20lbs and all of my cloths are just way too big. I look like a little girl playing dress up in my mommy's cloths! Anyway, this weekend I hit the Goodwill and hard! I needed cloths and I am not ashamed to shop at Goodwill. It's fun and there is so much variety! Anyway, I got two brand new purses, a pair of brand new shoes, 8 pairs of brand new socks, 8 pairs of pants and 19 shirts all for about $110! I practically have a "new to me" wardrobe on such a small budget. For the past few weeks I have been praying that I would be able to get some new clothes for winter since I was out of everything and I didn't know how he was going to provide it for me. I thought maybe a family member would donate me some money, but this is better because I did it with my money. He helped me find things that fit (and almost everything I tried on did!) and of course since it was Goodwill everything was super cheap! The thanksgiving in my heart just wants to gush forth and just everyone how He is blessing me! It's little things here and there, but if I just keep my eyes and heart open to see His hand move, I will every time.

I am so thankful and every time I begin drift into the world, I call out his name and just run back into his presence. He puts all of my fears and doubts to rest. He clams my spirit and brings my mind and thoughts back to Him. I am so grateful. I am so blessed in the midst of this storm.

Seeking His Face

What will You have me do, Lord? What is that You want me to see and act on? What is Your will for me and how do I walk in Your way? I am seeking Your face, Your will, Your way, Lord. Who do You want me to become? What is it that You want me to say? What direction do You want me to take? What, Lord? What? I don't know much about much. All I know is that I am desperate to hear Your voice. I am desperately hungry for You and Your word in my life. What is it that You want me to do? Seeking and searching...

Through Me

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, a thought occurred to me. Back in May when all of this unfolded, I came to the logical conclusion that even though my husband has done this massively horrible, life-altering thing I still loved him. Not only did I love him, but it's almost as close as you can get to unconditional love that any human could possibly experience. So, as I was drifting off to sleep and my mind was slowly winding down this occurred to me - It's not on my own will power and strength that I love my husband unconditionally, but it's through God that I love him in this way. And as I was his wish that a husband and wife would love each other just as He loves the church. I don't know why I feel like my love is unconditional. I am not special. I am human and I can hate just as easily as I can love. But there is something different about the love I feel for my husband. I can only explain it as God's love pushing through me to reach out to my husband. It's not by my own power and might, but by His power and might that I am able to see past all of the mess and filth that has been liter through our marriage over the recent months.

It's as if I am feeling these intense feelings for my husband so that I am able to experience just a fraction of what God's love and longing for us is. Maybe...???

The Greater "Yes"

What is the greater "yes" that will come out of my life situation? What is going to bring the most glory to God? That is what I long to do - bring glory to God and show his magnificent and humbling power through my life and my actions and my words.

2 Corinthians 1:20-22
Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete.

So In Love

I am so in love with My Lord. My life is falling completely apart right now, but I am so in love with My Lord who is getting me through each and every step on this rocky, dark, lonely road. I am so thankful that even though I may question Him and if He really is, He always calms my heart and brings an overwhelming since that he is right here, even while sitting at my desk at work. He is here with me. His sweet spirit flows through me and I feel calm and relaxed. I miss worshipping Him. At the church I used to attend, the Holy Spirit would just flow through the place and we would all just stand in reverence and awe. That place of worship is so sweet and peaceful. I miss true worship like that. I am hungry just to be in God's presence and to just rest in that place. In that place I don't have to worry or concern myself about anything. The music and lyrics say everything and you just thank Him for being Him and loving me even though I am hopelessly flawed.

It's not easy by any means to fully rely on Him when everything is so out of control. Life can be a scary, rough place, but it always seems better when I talk to Him and acknowledge His presence. He delights in me and when I say I trust Him. I do my very best to say it and to mean it. I believe you Lord. I believe Your word and all of Your promises.

It's just you and me, Lord. Thank you for pouring out your Holy Spirit and even meeting me here at work and calming my heart. You are so magnificent and worthy of my praise. I long to just stay in your presence because there I have peace and I don't have to worry about what is going on in the world. I can rest in you and know that you are my Lord and that you love me and will forever keep me in perfect peace. It's just you and me. No one else. You are all that truly matters. Nothing and no one in the entire world can compare to your majesty and your grace. Lord, I thank you. I praise you. You are my everything. I don't need anything or anyone else but you. You are my provider, my love, my life.

In Response...

To my last blog - God doesn't just want me to just trust Him. He wants me to believe Him.

To believe means: to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.

I believe that He is, was and always will be. But why then do I choose to question Him now? If I believe in Him, I have to believe in what He says. Believe that He exists means that I believe in what He says.

I believe that He is "I am the way, the truth and the light." So why don't I believe Him when He says "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." If I believe the latter, then I have to believe the former. There is no other way.

What does it mean to believe in someone of something? It means that you take what is said or done as the truth. It is honest - no lying or twisting of what is true. It is real, factual, certain, exact. You can't get any truer than the truth. Truth is truth is truth. There is nothing greater or more true than the exact truth. You can't make truth be even more true than it's current state. Totally, 100%, no doubt, true.

He is asking me to believe him. "Believe me, Bethany. Believe in me, but also believe me."

John20:29
"Jesus said to him, 'Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.'"

God with an Emergency Plan

What is trust? What does it look like? What does it feel like? How do you do it? I don't know... I want to trust God and believe Him and know that He is in control, but I feel that I am failing miserably at it. My mind is a just a race of mixed emotions and I can barely stop it! So many "what ifs." They practically run my life! How can I stop them? How can I say "Yes, I trust you." But in all reality, I don't? I am scared. I am scared to totally trust Him. I feel like I have to be on guard. "Well, okay Lord. I will trust you, but I am still going to prepare for the worst case scenario." Is that right? It's like I am ignoring this huge storm that is on the horizon, but I still have all of my emergency supplies in the closet. "What storm? I don't see any storm clouds. But if there were a storm coming, I am prepared." If that statement is true, then I really don't trust Him, do I? My human nature is on guard towards God and I don't know if I really believe in his promises. Sure, they all sound good and nice, secure. But what if things don't turn out the way I want them to, the way I have prayed so hard for. The way that I know should be right and bring justice. What then? What do I do when all that I have said I believe in, hoped for, fasted for, trusted in just falls flat on its face and I am left standing with nothing that I had been trusting God for. What do I do then? Do I stop trusting and believing in God? Do I turn from Him and say "Never again will I trust you and your ways? Never!" Do I continue to run towards Him and say "That's okay Lord. I am a crushed, slaughtered human being, but I still trust you even though my life is in total shambles." And do it with a smile on my face. NO! How can I do that and not question his ways? I don't know. I don't know how to trust Him and not have the emergency plan in place.

Sure I read this passage, but I am human! I don't know how to not rely on what I know and see. That's all I've got! What is in front of me is all I can see!

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Still

You know, I have so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my body that it is amazing that I am still standing and not in a psych ward somewhere wearing a white jacket. My nerves and emotions have been fairly steady over the past week and I am thankful for that. Being on the roller coaster of emotions that I have been on over the past months is so tiring, both mentally and physically. Up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right. STOP!

Now, I am here - at this point in time that is forever life-changing and I feel such an inner peace and calmness. Peace that passes all understanding. I have a stillness that is truly amazing. I am okay and I am going to be okay. I know there will be some bad days to come, but I will be okay. God is showing me so much and revealing himself to me each and everyday. I am so thankful and I just stand in awe of his powerful hand that is moving through my life.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I am so thankful for all you have done for me. I am so thankful for everything in my life and the path you are leading me on. I don't know what the future holds or what your plan for me and my life is, but I accept it. Your will is perfect and I accept your perfect will for me in my life. I am not worthy of your love and forgiveness, but you freely give it to me nonetheless. I continue to ask you to fill me with you unfailing love. Fill me from head to toe. Make my cup run over with your presence. Guide me in the upcoming days and weeks. Show yourself fully to me. Wrap your loving arms around me and never let me go. Be the lamp unto my feet, the light unto my path. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me and all of my imperfections. You are worthy to be praised.
Amen.

At Peace

At this very moment in time, I could be shrunk into a corner, crying my eyes out and contemplating my life and all of the events leading up to this moment. Surprisingly, I think I have made a decision of what to do next in this saga called my life and I feel rather peaceful about that choice. I don't feel overly depressed or anxiety ridden. I feel okay with myself and my thought process of what to do next. I have been praying for some sort of direction and I think back on little things that have lead me to this place and my decision. I am amazed that I am feeling so serene at this moment. I pray that my choice will continue to make me feel at peace. If this feeling continues, then I know it's the right choice.

Philippians 4:7
7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Watchful Eye

I am trying to keep a brave face on in the midst of all of this chaos and heartache. Sometimes I do good, others I really stink. Today, I am really working hard at keeping that bravery right out front of me and face the day with all the nerve I can muster. I know divorce papers are waiting for me at the post office and I have to go pick them up today. Breath deep and just rest in knowing that God knows what is going on. He is fully aware of the happenings over the past months. He is in control and loves me and is taking care of me today, tomorrow and forever.

Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Revelation

I love music!!!! Love it!!! I love how you can just be listening to a song and not really be paying much attention to it and then something said in the song that catches your attention. You start to really listen and it's like the song lyrics are speaking directly to you and what you maybe going through or being faced with.

Well, yesterday I was listening to my new Third Day CD and the song "Revelation" really caught my ear and it is exactly what my prayers have been recently. What do I do Lord? What do you want me to do in this situation? What is it? I don't want to make a move without knowing that it comes from you. I have made so many, many mistakes on my own will power and I am done with that. I want to know what you want me to do. What move do I make? Do I just wait here and continue in the path I am on? Do I make a move? If so, what move? What, Lord? What is it that you want me to do? I don't want to do anything without your guidance and hand directing me and my steps.

The lyrics go like this:
My life, Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way, Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem, To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
My life, Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without... I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation...
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Lord,
This is the cry of my heart, my prayer. Lord, I submit to your will for my life, but I know that there are things that I will have to do in order to follow your calling on my life. Show me what it is that you are calling me to do. Direct my steps, my path. I accept whatever you have for me. I need to know what it is that you want me to do. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear when the time comes for me to move or not to move. I want to do what you want me to do - whatever that my be. Your will be done in my life. You are the lamp at my feet, the light on my path. Prepare my heart, my spirit for your direction on my life. I am willing to be made willing.
Amen.

Enjoyment

Over the past few days I have really been enjoying God's presence in my life and the peace I am finding in him. Last night I was able to just stay at home and talk with him and feel at peace in being alone in my home. I am not used to that and I have been very intimidated by being alone at my apartment, but last night was nice. I felt relaxed, confident and I just enjoyed knowing that I really wasn't alone. God was there and I just talked with him on and off throughout the evening. I watched "Friends", ate dinner and colored my hair and I was okay with that. I didn't feel overwhelmed or too sad. I was content and happy to be doing my own thing. I played music and danced around my apartment and walked Enzo and went to the library. It was nice to just be there. I really feel like it is my refuge from the hustle of the work day. I am so thankful for my place and my puppy. Sure there are times when I feel overwhelmed and that's okay too. I need to allow myself to just feel those feelings and know that even though they come, they always go too.

Lord,
Thank you for my apartment and settling your sweet, loving spirit there. Thank you for the moments of peace that I do have through my days. You are in control and each day I learn to lean on you a little more. Thank you for loving me and caring about me and what I am faced with. I trust you and I know that you want nothing more for me than to be happy and to walk in your will. I will try daily to learn and grow in what you have for me rather than what the world would have for me. Fill me Lord with your Holy Spirit. Make my cup run over with your love and presence in my life. Fill me with your unfailing love. Fill me with your peace, strength and wisdom. Thank you for loving me in the midst of all of my imperfections. Thank you for the breath in my lungs. I praise your name. You are worthy to be praised.

Psalm 23
1The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

After God's Own Heart

As I am progressing through this stage of my life, actually in just the past week or so, I have felt a huge increase in my hunger for God. On Sunday night I was praying and just started to read my Bible in Jeremiah and God was really showing himself to me throughout that book and it was amazing! The book of Jeremiah is about him and his prophesies for Judah. Well, there is a ton in that book that I can just read and absorb and apply it to what I am going through right now. I am just so thankful to God for everything he is doing for me and in my life. It's not easy right now to even get out of bed in the morning, but I do it. And I thank him for getting me through another day. Sure, I have such high highs and low lows, but I am just clinging to the hem of his garment. I am not letting go of my God. He is my everything. He is my provider, healer, restorer, friend, peace, comforter, counselor and more. I don't really know what else I am supposed to do in this situation, but I am praying for direction. I don't want to take a step without knowing that it is what He wants me to do. So I wait...

Is It Possible?

Is it possible to rely too much on God? Can we be wrapped up to much in believing in Him and trusting Him and hoping in Him? Surely not, right? That is what he wants us to do, right? To hope when there can't possibly be any hope left. But when there is no hope left in the world, that is when I know He can do His most powerful work. So that when everyone else has given up and quit, anything that happens past that point can only be attributed to Him and His power. I can feel my own strength growing, slowly but surely, it's growing. If can just fix my eyes on him and his perfectness, I feel a great sense of peace begin to flow through my veins. My mind feels clear and my body feels relaxed and my heart feels happy. Even though there are those around me who are starting to feel like all is lost, I am only gaining hope in my Lord. I can't look or listen to what they are saying. I can not do that! I love them, but if they are only going to inflict doubt and unbelief on me, then I can't continue to let them into my life right now. I need God's presences in my life more no than ever. As this trial becomes tougher and tougher, I need his might hand more apparent than ever. My husband hasn't given me anything to hope for. As the world would see it, all is lost.

2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me, "My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak."
So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ's power can rest on me.

At this moment, I am at the bottom. I am at zero. I have can see no hope at all in the this world. But! But, my hope lies in someone other than what is in this world:
Psalm 31:24 Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD.

It's Me and You, God

Wednesday night, I truly saw that there is NOTHING I can do. Nothing. I guess I had always thought in the back of my mind that maybe, possibly there could be something I could do or show my husband. Maybe I could make him understand. Maybe I could. Just maybe... But no. There is absolutely nothing I can do, say, give or respond to make him look at things differently. So, now what? Do I just give up like he wants me to? No. I pray. I trust. I believe.

God,
It's you and me in this fight. You and me. You are the Almighty, powerful God who can do anything. You are on my side. I am on your side. God, I believe that my marriage is restored. I believe that my husband is running back to you. I believe. I can't see it right now, but I believe. I am walking by faith. I am believing that my marriage is healed, intact and whole. You have taken such good care of me through this nightmare and I know you are going to continue you showing yourself to me and showing me that your mighty hand is in control. You are amazing. I thank you for all you have done for me. I thank you for my puppy, my apartment, my job, my car, my family, my friends and my husband. I thank Lord for blessing my life and showing me that you care. I know you care about me and what I am feeling. I believe in you and I trust you. I have faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for. It is being certain of what we do not see.
Amen.

Wasn't Going To...

I wasn't going to write today. Now that I have let my husband read my blog, I am fearful that he is going to continue to read it and fight my every word and logical thought and opinion. Oh well, I have to get all of this junk that I am feeling inside of me out. My husband can fight me tooth and nail, not giving me a second look, not giving all of his promises to me a second thought. Go ahead, fight me! I have nothing left to prove to you! I have done and said everything that I know how to.

How can I be faulted and punished for something I wasn't aware of?
Why am I being martyred for his lack of communication and awareness of himself?
He isn't willing because he has her.
I am not going to give up on him even though he wants me to.
I am going to stop trying to make this make sense to him. He isn't willing to hear me. He isn't willing and I can't not do anything or make him willing. If I could, I would have done it already.
Does my newly strength faith intimidate him?

Lord Jesus,
Help me let him go and back into your hands. I think I picked him back up two weeks ago, but I don't want him in my hands anymore. That is not where he belongs. I give him back to you . I put him back into your strong, capable hands. You are in control. I can not do anything, but you can. I trust you Lord. But I will continue to stand and believe that your are a God of restoration and I believe you will restore my marriage in your timing. I wait on you, Lord. Have mercy on him and me and our marriage. I thank you for the strength and courage to face each day of my life. Even though it feels so out of control, you are firmly at the wheel guiding and directing my steps. I pray for Ben. He is in your hands. Amen.

I Don't Understand

Maybe I never will...

Scared, Again

My husband is coming over again tonight hopefully talk about us and some of the many questions we have for each other. I am fearful that he is going to bring over the divorce papers though and not want to talk at all. I wrote him an awesome letter that I e-mailed to him yesterday. Hopefully our conversaion can be geared towards that some. I am eager to hear what he has to say. I was praying to God and I was just telling him that I am scared and I felt him impress on my heart this scripture:

Isaiah 41:8-10
8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant.
You're Jacob, my first choice,
descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.I'll give you strength.
I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

Writing is Purging

I believe I am addicted to journaling and just writing in general. Going through life right now could be so incredibly unbearable, but I have been able to turn to my blog to write. I also have written my husband several letters (he is probably tired of that!), but I really find i incredibly therapeutic. The cheapest therapy in town for me is a notebook, my thoughts and hours upon hours to write! I am not very elegant or graceful with my words. I am just open and honest and hopelessly flawed.

Over the weekend I wrote my husband two letters! Only one of them have I given to him. In that one I really tried to be as open an honest with him as ever. To show him my heart and my naiveness and all of my imperfections, as numberous as they are. I am truly an open book at this moment in time. I don't want to hide or disguise any of my words or emotions any longer. I have been leading a life under cover and now my marriage is suffering from it.

As I am growing and learning about myself through my journals, I have really been able to identify who I am and what makes me tick. I am so complicated and so simple at the same time. I want so much and to do so much, but at the same time I just want to sit back and watch life and the people who are playing through. It is amazing! I do not know every little detail about me and what each strand of my being represents or says about who I am, but I am learning, growing, observing and being rather amused at myself all at the same time. I am delicate as lace, but strong as on ox. I am free and fleeting as a dancing butterfly, but hard and steady as a ships anchor. I am so much and I have so many wonderful things to offer to this world and to my family and to my husband. I am a beautiful person that God so intricately sewed together. He knows who I am and he delights in my new explorations into myself and into him. He is happy when I look deep into who I am and discover him at the core of my being. My life, who I am is an amazing creation that only God could have breathed life into. I was a surprise for my parents, but I am a surprise to myself as well.